Here I let Doves Fly and Dare to Bless

I have been consciously avoiding writing these last few days. A battle of wills has been raging deep inside me and time after time I have had to simply walk away from my fleshly desire to vent and rage against the injustice I feel is being perpetrated against me. I want desperately to rise up in my own strength like I know I am able to and blast a hole through the roof. But I won't. I choose not to even if it kills me. Funny how emotions the stronger they become tend to escalate with negative energy the more one attempts to suppress them. Deep down a voice continues to try and convince me I would be justified in speaking against those who are at present mistreating me. 


I can only look back at the wreckage of past events in my life and quickly realize the lie and deception inherent in this line of thinking. I cannot recall one time in all my life when I have given in and let loose my rage where I have in the end walked away unscathed. When fire falls it lands on the just as well as the unjust. No one is safe, not even those I may consider innocent by-standers. So I fight the good fight within and without and say no to my burning desire to retaliate. 


It may all sound great that I am opting to sit this battle out and let my trust and faith in God lead the way but I must confess it is taking a toll on me. Physically, I am drained. I want to run to all my old comforts and imbibe in their short-term ability to numb my feelings and emotions. Thankfully, I am a man hedged in on every side. The leash around my neck has been drastically shortened and try as I will, I cannot go or stray too far. So what do I do? I sleep a great deal. I count the hours when I can finally make it home after a stressful day at work, kick off my shoes and jump on the sofa and hide under the covers. When I'm not in a R.E.M. state you will find me in the kitchen rummaging through the fridge and cupboards. I want to eat my way through this season of discouragement and injustice. And when I'm done with stuffing my face, you will find me planting crops or building imaginary SIMcities. 


It is during my bathroom breaks when I am unable to take all of the above with me that I finally allow myself to cry out for help to my Maker. How ironic...as I sit on the throne and do my business, I approach The Throne of Grace and make myself heard. I've even taped the Song "Wrap me in Your Arms" by Michael Gungor to the bathroom mirror and sing the lyrics soulfully whenever I am locked in this most holy room in my apartment. Here I let doves fly and dare to bless. I wrestle with my Angel and hold on till daybreak. For I know the sun will soon break forth and my weeping turn to joy. This is the cycle of things to those who put their hope in God.  If I stay the course I will reap the faithful reward and cause the song in my heart to be made manifest...to be wrapped in the arms of love and become more like Him through the painful process.



Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.