You will forgive me from this point forward if my spelling and grammar fail me but my mind and body tire quickly and leave me with no desire to commit to the important task of editing. I do pray my message will not suffer greatly and that you, my dear reader, will take into consideration how I have been reduced to typing with one finger while laid out practically immobile on what has become my deathbed.
Since receiving the news that not much more can be done, I feel like I am in a race against time. So much more I want to say. So much more I want to grapple with. Time has always been an enemy, never slowing down enough to allow me to accomplish everything on my pregnant bucket list. What can I do? The faster I try to put down for posterity sake what is in my heart, the faster it seems the cancer spreads and slows me down. Rather than throw my hands up in utter frustration I choose to do what I can with the time allotted to me.
Such a dreadful shame I never developed the discipline I so desperately needed to commit to writing. Being ever the Renassaince kind of a guy I filled my plate with way too many aspirations. I wanted to be a published author for one. A painter and artiste'. A Poet, an Actor, a musician, a Singer, a Preacher, etc...etc...etc... In the end I fear I accomplished none of these to perfection and leave behind a blueprint never materialized. Not even a firm foundation or legacy for others to be able to build upon. Or maybe, I'm being too hard on myself as always. Only God will know and very soon I'll have the opportunity to hear it for myself first-hand.
For whatever the reason, I am not afraid of what is soon to come - sweet death. I am in such peace that it is almost scary. I hope and pray I am not being overly confident in myself but instead putting my hope in Christ alone. When the moment comes and I take my last breath, I am assured I will no longer see things with my earthly eyes but with my spiritual eyes as I see angels entering my room in all their other-worldly brilliance and each one fill the room with such glorious and infinite light. Finally one will reach out to me, inviting me to take his or her hand as I step out of this mortal body and finally cross over the veil. Gladly I will reach out for that welcoming ethereal hand and in an instant find myself transformed and finally forever free of this pain I have carried within my bones for the last four years.
The only thought that does try and creep in every so often is the "what if"...what if having been so foolish and fearful like the parable Jesus spoke of, I took my talents and buried them. Oh the horror! This would be truly a travesty and a tragedy to have nothing to show my Lord when I finally come before Him. Please, please, please God, I hope I had enough common sense to put those talents to work and will have something to show for it. This is why I need to keep reminding myself that in God's kingdom things are completely the opposite of how the world measures success and achievement. I may have never perfected the multitude of talents I was blessed with, but I pray I did put them to good use for the honor and pleasure of my king and those around me. I know some of you must be reading this and muttering under your breath how absurd I am being but one can never be so sure. With all this said, I choose to fall at the feet of Jesus and rest in His lovingkindness and mercy. Grace. Grace. Grace and more grace in these last days and hours I have left.
One thing is for sure and with this I end this post, I believe with all my heart that the One called Jesus the Christ awaits me with open arms. If I did not have this blessed hope I would not have been able to endure this brutal onslaught upon my body. I know he weeps for me much more than I or anyone else has wept or will ever weep. He is moved by my slow suffering and although He died for my sins and carried my sins on the cross, I am no fool in realizing that what I am currently experiencing in my mortal flesh has been plain and simple due to my poor choices. Although my sins are forgiven, those sins I speak of that I now ashamed to even mention have dreadful consequences which I am now paying dearly for. He never intended for me to suffer so but I alone took this temple of His Holy Spirit and gave it over to the temporary sexual pleasures of the flesh. I am in this bed and in this predicament due to my own rebellion and with each wave of agonizing pain I am serving as a visual and physical display of what the consequences are for those who take God's holy things and trample it underfoot. Thankfully, this suffering will end soon and God will set me free. How I wish others could open their eyes and see the snares being set before them by the enemy of their soul and by the power and grace of their Savior escape the horrible and dreadful consequences that await those who continue to flaunt their sin and folly.
Well I've said enough but not as clearly as I would have liked. I pray the spirit of God will illuminate your minds and help you understand what it is He desires for you to comprehend.
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.