The source of my troubles has been the persistent physical pain I find myself in. It simply refuses to go away. I've used every weapon in my arsenal to keep this pain at bay and to undo but it is stronger than anything I presently know or have in my possession to vanquish it with. Positive thoughts have not been enough. Prayer, even as ardent and commanding as I know how employ have not been enough. I am starting to doubt this pain will ever go away. Worst still, the dreadful thought that maybe this is what my life will be like for the remainder of my days seems to have burrowed its way into my mind and I am afraid has become very much at home within me.
The doctors says the pain may be due to the radiation treatment I underwent over a year ago. I honestly thought it would have been taken care of by now but the doctor says each body reacts differently to treatment. He can't give me a definite time frame but he assures me the pain will eventually subside and leave my body. I truly hope so. I'm not sure how much more I can handle before I fall into despair. Test results came back and I was told the radiation burned my urethra passage, which is why I am in such excruciating and constant pain. I went in for corrective surgery but a lump was discovered which resulted in a biopsy. The biopsy came back "atypical" and now I am scheduled for a CT Scan tomorrow.
I am battling fear and dread. The cancer may be back. I may have to undergo more treatment and surgery. This only equals more pain.
I honestly feel like I have failed in some way. My faith in God's healing touch appears to not have been enough. I can say I am healed all I want but this pain tells me differently; it mocks me and makes me question God's ability to heal me. I know I shouldn't feel this way but after so much praying, waiting, believing, trusting, and expecting the to be healed, I am left with days and nights full of throbbing pain. I suck at proclaiming " I am healed" when the pain becomes unbearable. I have never possessed the gift others have of pretending something is not there.
I am doing what I can to cope: taking pain killers, pushing myself to get up and function, putting on a brave smile and going about my day as if everything was normal, but it is far from that. Most days, I literally come home from a day at the office and throw myself on the bed exhausted and feeling every bit defeated by the pain.
People tell me to wait for it that complete healing will surely come but I have slowly given way to a spirit of unbelief and doubt. I've even stopped praying for my healing to be brutally honest and begun to ask that if this is going to be permanent, I'd rather go home sooner than later and be free of this pain. But of course we all know I have no say in the matter and I must continue to live with the pain or whatever life puts in my path, come what may.
God, is there any way out of this? Why are you testing me beyond what I feel I can endure? What are you looking for me to do or give that I haven't already? I guess these are questions I will have to sit with and ponder.
Help me to pass this test and overcome my pain. And through it all help me to keep my joy and peace of mind intact.
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
