Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Solitary Confinement or Quarantine???



By writing this, I may be opening up a can of worms I may not be able to close or dispel once it is written but writing helps me process emotions and reign in runaway emotions and feelings. Right now I am on the verge of despair and anger. Lean too much one way or the other and you will find me an emotional wreck either direction. At moments these last 48 hours I have found myself a man condemned to Solitary Confinement and at times put into quarantine for the sake of myself and others. Both states of being have left me feeling the loneliest I think I have ever felt yet in my lifetime. Add to all this how I can hardly move from my bed due to the horrendous physical pain I am in right now, I confess to you I am tempted to take an overdose of pills and call it a day. The only reason I have not given into those tendencies is thankfully due to my belief that those who commit suicide may not be guaranteed eternal rest. I say may because in my world there are no absolutes and I try to always leave plenty of gray areas open because I have found it to be more suitable and fertile ground for grace to abide and ultimately conquer.





I don't want to go into details because I'm afraid of further rejection. Let it suffice to say, I am having a hard time accepting and adjusting to being left alone. if it were not for the Home Attendant assigned to me I might literally be alone twenty fours of the day. A drastic change in my living situation. Once five o' clock arrives and Martha says good night I am condemned for the remainder of the night to fend for myself. Not even a text to check in and find out how I'm doing. Since Dinner is now provided by Martha before she leaves for the day, I have not heard or seen a soul knock on my door to inquire if I ate or need anything. All communication has ceased. Just like that I have been forgotten and relegated to my little corner of the world where I lay on my hospital bed and count the hours until daybreak.





I am trying my hardest to be mature about all this and take it all in stride. Forgotten. Left alone to think what it would look like if one morning I was finally looked into simply because I ceased breathing and my spirit was finally set free from this torture chamber it now must abide in.





This is all I am going to say and pray to God for his Holy protection from any jezebel spirits that may rise up against me. For I know this battle is not between flesh and blood but against spiritual strongholds that come and possess bodies. I know all too well about this since I am currently fighting against spirits of rage and offense that are trying to infiltrate my mind and soul. I will not let them in but expose them into the light where they will no longer have a place to hide and fester. I will also remind myself that I am not responsible for the action of others but only my own. I wish to Heaven I had the money to pay my debts but I will lose no sleep or allow myself to feel guilty for an action I did not purposely put into effect. I have more pressing matters to tend to. This physical pain is trying to undo me and I must remain strong in the face of this onslaught. I must confess though that the pain is so brutal I do hope it ends one way or another. Be it through healing or physical death, I welcome them both just the same.





Father, have mercy upon me.





Jesus, breathe on me afresh.





Spirit grant me your power to overcome.





Amen.



Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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2 comments:

  1. Idilio, my heart aches so deeply reading this. I wish I could give you the biggest hug, cry with you and somehow take away this pain...physical and emotionally. Saying I'm sorry that you're going through this comes up way short of how I'm feeling right now. But truly....I am just so so sorry. Many many prayers being said for you, dear brother.

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  2. Rachel and I are praying for you. I will try to call, please feel free to call anytime. Words cannot express how I feel. we love you very much.

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