I had a melt down today at work. Not an old-fashioned, no-holds barred kind of melt down, thankfully, but a sobbing, hyperventilating public display of snot drenched emotion. What a show. You should have been there to witness this thirty-nine year old grown man revert to being five years old all over again.
Due to the nature of my job and the confidentiality required in what I do I cannot give you the gory details that led up to my breakdown but I will share with you what I was feeling leading up to it.
I arrived at the office this morning already feeling the stress and the tension of what lay ahead. Without going into the specifics of the case, I can tell you this; I was headed to my Director's office full of apprehension and dread. I knocked on the door and immediately made it known that the children placed in a particular home needed to be removed immediately. I had visited the home yesterday afternoon and upon inspecting the premises found the situation to be bordering on hazardous. In my field of work, hazardous translates into prompt removal of children. This is exactly what I was prepared to do. What I was not prepared for was what followed.
As has been the case in the last few weeks I was immediately held accountable for work I had not done but unfortunately had signed off on. Somehow, somewhere along the line, the home I had visited yesterday had been approved and licensed with some glaring deficiencies present in the home. I had never visited this home, which was why I decided that after placing children in the home the day before, I should ensure the home was safe. It wasn't. After pulling the file and reviewing its contents I immediately sprung into action. These kids needed to be removed immediately. Long story short, I was able to secure placement for the children and I am confident they are sleeping safe and sound tonight.
Did I get a pat on the back or a hearty "job well done" for springing into action and correcting someone else's mistake? Oh no, that would have been too hard a thing to do. Instead, I was given the customary stare of disappointment and disapproval followed by a peppering of questions as to why I allowed the children to be placed in this home to begin with. And this is when it happened. It started with the customary flush of heat rushing to my ears at being accusingly questioned, followed by the knot in my throat, precursor to the tears working their way through my system. I hate tears yet this is the one manifestation of emotion I do most easily. I can cry at the slightest provocation. Whenever I am able to suppress tears I consider it a monumental feat, to say the least. The only problem with holding back the floodgates is that more often than not, the gates come crashing down at the most inopportune times. Today was a classic example.
I sobbed uncontrollably and the harder I tried to suppress it the more pronounced the heaving and shaking that accompanied my out of control lachrymal display became. By the time I was able to stop and bring myself under restraint I had several co-workers huddled around me rubbing my back, hugging me, affirming me, and bringing me water to drink. Why do people get offered water when they cry is beyond me but I obliged my comforters and drank. Looking back, the spectacle of it all must have been a sight to behold...five adults huddled around me, crowded in a cubicle made for only two people to be in at best. God bless my co-workers. I love them all. Everyone is always so supporting and caring, truly. If it weren't for this simple fact, I would never make it where I work and would have succumbed to the pressures of my job a long time ago. Sadly, I don't feel this way about my superiors. They all have one thing in mind and that is to meet their quotas. I guess this is the one thing that separates management from the frontline workers.
In the end, I made it home and made a bee line for the bed. I slept for three hours uninterrupted. I was emotionally exhausted and am extremely grateful the weekend is finally here. I got a feeling I'm going to do a lot more sleeping and crying. I'm extremely unhappy with my job. Thankful to have one but unsure as to how much I can handle. With the many changes going on as of late and the uncertainty hanging in the air I just don't know what will be the final outcome. I am walking on eggshells and the mood hanging over my workplace is definitely adding to the tension I have been feeling lately. There are other reasons but I can't get into it. I need to be careful with what and how I write since anyone can read this and the last thing I need is to create even more tension between me and my workplace masters. White -Collar slavery is alive and well. Oops! I think I've said too much.
I want to end this on an upbeat note but right now I'm feeling extremely hopeless and worn out. I do believe everything will work out for the best in the end, I truly do. I just pray God will not only see me through this rough season at work but also help me to grow in those areas I need positive change and freedom in. So my simple heartfelt prayer is this: help me not to run away from those things God is using to mold me and make me into all He has planned and prepared in advance for me to do!
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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