God, why, why so much pain in a life yielded to wanting to do things the right way? Why do I have to revisit these ruins in the broken walls of my life without any hope of ever seeing it rebuilt and fortified once and for all, never to be broken into. I feel like a man robbed of his peace and about to commit some heinous crime out of pure desperation. Help me not to despair. Help me to hold the line, stand my ground and continue to wave my flag of surrender. Surrender to your perfect will for my life.
And the cork is popped...
This overwhelming sense of loneliness is undoing my very being. It is not good for man to be alone. Didn't the Almighty himself utters these words at watching his creation wander in the garden alone? Or is my pain deluding me into thinking and believing things that are not so? God, how much longer must I walk this life in solitude? Why have I been condemned to such a severe life sentence? Why have I not been found worthy of intimacy and companionship with another human being? It makes me so angry to think of myself as nothing more than a Modern-day Eunuch who daily must endure the overwhelming call to stand alone in a world so full of injustice and coldness.
Help me to see my greater purpose. Speak to my anger and hopelessness. Soothe my inconsolable yearning to be held by the strong arms of another. To be kissed with passion and smell the breath of one whispering my name with desire and yearning. I'm not bad looking. I can still go out there and find me what I long to have. But what for? What's the use, if deep in my soul I know this will not satisfy me for too long.
God, right now, in the presence of all my readers, I confess I am so angry! This hunger deep inside me, right now, is blinding me. I'm losing sight of eternity. I don't want to forget your words to me but at the moment my loneliness is making it nearly impossible for me to focus on anything else at the moment. I am past the blame game so I won't even bother pointing an accusatory finger at you nor will I revert to the old ways of throwing a tantrum in the hopes you will come and pick me up off the floor and just hold me. I know you already are doing just that. Holding me. I know tomorrow will bring with it some form of relief and I will once again breathe in your serene peace deep inside me.
Every foundation must be tested with wind and fire. I know this but at the present moment I am hurting deeply. I really can't say what brought it on. Maybe the passing of the holidays or this constant talk in the media of same sex union and marriages I have been exposed to as of late...this may have stirred in me this present resentment at knowing this is not the covenant established between you and I, but I implore you, send some relief my way.
People mention my passion for you and how admirable it appears to them. Maybe so. At the moment, I'm feeling extremely cold and distant. My tears are only an indication of the deep gashes resident inside my weary soul. They are not marked with longing for you at the moment. I know you know this, and I believe it has not changed how you view me and what you think of me. I know your affections are forever turned towards me. You, in your omniscient power saw this moment in time and yet you call me lovely. Send some relief and more importantly, right now, help me to be like you and not take anything personal or to heart from the well-intentioned souls who will try and assuage my pain and cover me with their loving words and responses. I thank you in advance for them but no matter what they say or do to help me in my journey, it will not be enough for I long to be kissed (not with comforting words) in my loneliness.
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I'm glad you shared. First with Papa, and also with us. I am proud of who you are, and who you are becoming, which are one and the same. Way up Idilio!
ReplyDeleteHi sweetheart, just want you to know I am proud of you sharing and thank you,because when you run from something,it only stay with you longer, but when you fight it makes you stronger.and that you are.you know I remember the first time I fell in love with my Jesus He fed my every need through worship and in many ways,I was in love with the trees and the birds and nothing seem to bother me because I was filled with Him and in thinking that I am strong enough to get out of that place He had me secure in and not needing anything but Him I became lonely and thought WOW I met the love of my life and yes He could have been ,but I never gave myself a chance to heal no matter what my leaders were telling me,we married and my husband is a wonderful man,but in my desperation to have what I thought was going to fill my every need, my marriage fail and it was not because of my husband or me it was because my Jesus has not finish the healing in me and Him that he started,I went ahead of him and as we all know that is a wrong turn.and I was still lonely and wondering why He dont love me or treat me like I want to be treated and He was loving me in the only way He knew how ,I thought I knew how for him. good that did me,I wondered why? we like the same music and the same things ,we laugh and everyone thought we were perfect together and so did we, but yet we both were still lonely,why? we needed to be stronger in Jesus and in our healing process, before getting in another relationship,God had to remove all the pain from the pass and raise us up again,because the people we trusted to do that were broken to,Sweetheart I would give up holding someone and doing the right thing, then holding someone and feeling crappy and still lonely.I wanted so much to just give up ,but I know that if I only could allow my Jesus to heal that empty feeling inside me that even when i am laughing or being held or even doing something that may seem to me as good.that I feel,I would be ok and I will be strong enough.Baby I know my Jesus is looking down at you and saying He is well pleased with you and with all you do.and He is saying why did you have to be so cute your impossible to ignore.lol Medically speaking your adorable. well had to put a little humor since I know who I am speaking to, Sweetheart I love you and I write these words even if it sound at times that I went everywhere I just wanted to share what may seem like fulfillment is still empty till He heals the broken heart. I love you MADELINE as MONROE lol
ReplyDeleteIdilio, thank you for always sharing your heart with the people who love you very dearly. I understand exactly how you feel. Believe me, I understand the pain of loneliness, and some of us have it too, even with opposite sex marriage. You know about my history because I have shared it with you. You are a strong and mighty warrior, made even stronger by your weakness. Thank you for being the vulnerable, beautiful, man of God that you are. God will prevail and give you strength.
ReplyDeleteFirst, I empathize with you, Idilio. I have been single and celibate for over seven years -- only a couple kisses and no more with one woman in all that time. I'll remain silent about the years before that. I likely feel the same chronic and acute loneliness you feel, the fact that my natural sexual orientation is different than yours notwithstanding. I say this as no comfort to you but only so you know that what follows is spoken out of a shared, nearly "same shoes" experience, and not primarily from a position of relationship satisfaction and satiation coupled with an inexperienced exegesis. Though you likely know of my fondness for good exegesis.
ReplyDeleteSecond, you are absolutely correct that God declared -- in the midst of perfect, sinless, and sole intelligent fellowship with Adam -- that it was "NOT good for man to be alone." I was curious why Noel did not Tag you in her Note about this issue, but I commend it and the comments to you, with a link on your Facebook page.
Third, good science has shown that there are many, many receptors in the mouth and especially on the tongue that respond magnificently to kissing and trigger numerous pleasure receptors in the brain. If the brain has become accustomed to this kind of pleasure stimulation it will revolt -- much like a drug withdrawal -- at the cessation of this stimulation. Pleasure is called pleasure for a good neuroscientific reason.
What would relief look like for you? A miraculous silencing of the pleasure centers in your brain? A boyfriend? A girlfriend? A move to a state where same-sex marriage is allowed? A relationship with a man which entails regular kissing but develops no further? The parousia? Something else? What is the relief you pray for?
Does your personal belief system permit you the ingestion of legal drugs? Has your longing progressed to chronic depression and or anxiety? If so, what responses, if any, do you permit yourself?
Why do you believe you've been found unworthy of intimacy and companionship? Is this an oblique reference to your sexual preference with a firmly held belief that while you hold your belief you will be continually denied of intimacy and companionship? Or something else? I am a heterosexual who is permitted and even encouraged to be intimate and in companionship with a woman but to no avail. To what extent, if any, might I be, like you, found unworthy of intimacy and companionship? Is unworthiness confined to believing homosexuals or does it extend also to believing heterosexuals? I truly do not know myself, and I don't have a strong belief at present either way. What do you believe, think, and hope for?
May God strengten you, grant you grace, add many jewels to your crown, bless you with "shalom," and prepare an eternity for you that so fills you with joy and so meets your every eternal need that after only the first moment there you forget the pain of this four-score life and you instead enjoy eons and eons of infinite, uninterrupted pleasure, intimacy, and companionship.
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