I recently grieved the loss of a friendship I'd had for over twenty years. In discussing this amongst my intimate circle of confidants, I realized he may have thought I might publicly "out" him. It hurt to think he would have thought such a thing but I realize how I come across to most; my transparency and honesty can be easily misinterpreted as not knowing when or how to keep a secret. This couldn't be furthest from the truth especially in matters as sensitive as this. I know first-hand what it feels like to be mistreated and shunned because of ones sexuality. The rejection, real or imagined, can be worse than a thousand lashes on an already broken back. I'd gladly tie a millstone around my neck and be the first to dive into the deepest river.
American society and culture is rushing headlong into a free for all. In my opinion, there is no way to stop this. Personally, I view it as a fulfillment of Scripture. The Ancients were able, through divine inspiration of Holy Spirit, to foretell what life would be like in the here and now. I know, I know, people have been saying we are in the last days for over two millenia. But if you ask me, we have arrived. This is the final hour before the clock strikes midnight and a new day begins. This being the case, many things have to come to fruition. Not to sound depressing but 9/11 will look like a two year old's tantrum before it is all said and done. Don't take my word for it. Read up on it. Jesus himself spoke of these days in detail and one of his sayings is what I want to help bring to light here.
Jesus proclaimed: "As it was in the days of Noah, so it will be at the coming of the Son of Man. 38For in the days before the flood, people were eating and drinking, marrying and giving in marriage, up to the day Noah entered the ark; 39and they knew nothing about what would happen until the flood came and took them all away. That is how it will be at the coming of the Son of Man." (Matthew 24:37-39)
We live in a fast food generation. 24/7 if you want it, you got it. I did a quick search on the subject of food consumption and came up with the following statistics...In 2005 the United States spent $496 billion annually for out-of-home dining. I don't know about you but that sounds like a great deal of eating out! Wikipedia says: "Food is now traded and marketed on a global basis. The variety and availability of food is no longer restricted by the diversity of locally grown food or the limitations of the local growing season.[32] Between 1961 and 1999, there has been a 400% increase in worldwide food exports.[33] Some countries are now economically dependent on food exports, which in some cases account for over 80% of all exports.[34]
This is truly the age of consumption when you stop and think about it.
What about marriage? Seriously, do you honestly think Jesus made such a statement and only foresaw heterosexual marriages being performed at an increasing rate? I don't think so. Whether you want to accept or believe that Jesus was for or against same-sex marriage is between you and the company you keep. I myself travel and move among sincere and passionate individuals who would rather see men like me in prison or burning on a stake than be a witness to my union with another man. God bless them. I mean that. I need to bless those who curse me no matter how sincere they are in their approach and beliefs. I refuse to let anyone define me, especially another human who is just as imperfect as I am, but I also refuse to lower myself to their level and fight fire with fire. Far better to love our enemies and serve them than join in the present-day tug of war being waged around us. Not an easy thing to accomplish in light of the fact that so many feel they need to stand up for God.
We love God so much we become blinded to the fact that HE fights for us and not the other way around. When we do the latter we run into the error of hurting and alienating those He came for in the first place. We become stumbling blocks in our attempts to fight for God. Believe me people, God can fight His own battles way better than you or I will ever be able to.
So if you ask me, if I am for or against gay marriage, I will tell you it is none of my concern who you want to marry or go to bed with. I will have to answer to God for my actions and not of others. I aim to treat all men the same. I aim to view sin not as a hierarchy but as a condition of the heart; a heart which lives for its own gain and does not look for the good of others and is in need of loving redemption. So many of us forget who Jesus hung out with most...tax collectors, prostitutes, outcasts, broken vessels. Am I sermonizing? Sorry, don't mean to but I guess it hurts me to think if Jesus was here right now walking the streets of New York City, according to some, he would never venture into Chelsea or Greenwich Village. According to some, he would never walk into a bar and order a beer. Forget about attending a Lady GaGa concert or sitting down to watch a sitcom and laugh for half an hour.
I want to be where he is. I want to go to places He goes to. I don't want to hide behind my interpretation of the Bible and practice man-made and vain traditions and call it Christianity. If we could only see what a turn-off we become to many and how this grieves God's heart. We are so quick to judge others but forget that judgment begins at home, right here, inside you and me who call ourselves followers.
May we learn to carry small rulers in our dealing with others not like us and live lives rich and abounding in mercy. The mercy that triumphs over judgment when it counts, when it is most needed, and will one day be poured out over our lives in equal measure. How will He be able to show us mercy if we never showed it to others?
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, January 25, 2010
Forty-Nine Lashes of Failure
God forbid if I ever came home from the corner Bodega and presented my mother the wrong item or incorrect amount of change. She would slap me repeatedly over the head or face. I learned early on to make absolutely sure I was returning home with exact change and the specified item(s) requested. No room for mistakes. She had no patience for such errors; only swift and immediate retribution. I guess this was her way of trying to teach me to get things right the first time.
The same reaction can be said of such childhood experiences as learning to tie ones shoelaces. She would run out of patience rather quickly and beat me with the very shoe I was learning to tie knots with. By the grace of God I learned to tie those damn sneakers quickly! Wish the same could be said about learning my multiplication tables. I have always been weak in Math. It has never come easy to me. I dreaded numbers and the consequences they yielded. I still do. I thank God for calculators.
I will never forget the time my mother stood over me with belt in hand and asked me: "What is seven times seven?" I didn't know the answer but like any child hoping for the right answer to come in a guess, I replied: "Forty-one" with a shudder. Her green eyes went dark and as she raised her hand over her head she let the belt crash down on me repeatedly as she bellowed with every blow: "forty-nine! forty-nine! forty-nine!..." each lash erupting on my flesh and forever cementing into my consciousness the right answer "Forty-Nine!"; not to mention the unhealthy fear of the consequences of failure.
All is forgiven. It truly is. I see now what was at work in the midst of that hellish and abusive upbringing. She meant well. She wanted me to grow up to be smart and to hold my own in the classroom. She wanted what was best for me and although, yes, she went about it the wrong way and instead of teaching me to be fearless in the face of uncertainty and difficulty, she instilled in me this present day fear and aversion of not getting it right. Her harsh treatment of my failures sent me the wrong message. A message I need to work hard to overcome and correct today.
For most of my life I was an "all or nothing" kind of guy. All or nothing because I could not allow myself the grace to fail. I say grace because I see now that without grace in the midst of failure and wrong-doing, condemnation and hopelessness will undoubtedly set in and enslave you. At least, this was my heart-wrenching experience which kept God's grace at bay and my need to perform and please others always in high demand. A no-win situation, which only led me to deeper and stronger levels of self-hatred and remorse.Thankfully those days are behind me now. Distant memories tinged in dark silhouettes of pain but no longer able to hold me captive in its stifling and iron-grip grasp.
My recent failure at work and my Director's estimation that I was not "thorough enough" have been a thorn in my mind. I have revisited the incident numerous times and gone through the motions of what I could have done to reach the desired result but each and every time I have come to the right conclusion that I am human, very much so, and therefore prone to making mistakes. With that reality before me I have learned each and every time, when the memories and self-analysis of my error begin to invade and eat away at my peace of mind, to do what I know to be the right thing. I bring my burden of failure and leave it at the feet of Jesus. At his feet I am met with a holy exchange; my failure for His grace. The river of fire that surrounds His throne overflows with grace and mercy. I have learned not to fear the flames but to draw near and jump in. I burn but am not consumed. Only my lack, only those things which keep me weighed down are eaten away by the flames. Each and every time I rise up again stronger, more confident, a step closer to freedom.
All this to say, I struggle like every one else around me, yet have tapped into what sets me free and keeps me rising up like the noonday sun. He covers and anoints me to go forward, not in my own strength but in the knowledge that I serve a God-Man who unlike my human counterparts is not phased one bit by my inability and failures but even in my weaknesses and lack He finds me desirable and worthy of love. True, it might come to the undesirable conclusion that like Mom, my Superiors at work may one day lose their patience and sent out the word; "You're fired!" along with the walk of shame as I am escorted out of the building (...Why do they escort you out? What could I possibly want to take with me but my dignity intact as I walk out the front door?). At least, I can breathe deeply and take in the knowledge that God will work it all out for my good since I have been called according to His (not mine and no one else) purposes.
Just do me the favor and point me to this blog if and when that day arrives because not only am I not perfect but I tend to forget all His benefits and need to be lovingly reminded.
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
The same reaction can be said of such childhood experiences as learning to tie ones shoelaces. She would run out of patience rather quickly and beat me with the very shoe I was learning to tie knots with. By the grace of God I learned to tie those damn sneakers quickly! Wish the same could be said about learning my multiplication tables. I have always been weak in Math. It has never come easy to me. I dreaded numbers and the consequences they yielded. I still do. I thank God for calculators.
I will never forget the time my mother stood over me with belt in hand and asked me: "What is seven times seven?" I didn't know the answer but like any child hoping for the right answer to come in a guess, I replied: "Forty-one" with a shudder. Her green eyes went dark and as she raised her hand over her head she let the belt crash down on me repeatedly as she bellowed with every blow: "forty-nine! forty-nine! forty-nine!..." each lash erupting on my flesh and forever cementing into my consciousness the right answer "Forty-Nine!"; not to mention the unhealthy fear of the consequences of failure.
All is forgiven. It truly is. I see now what was at work in the midst of that hellish and abusive upbringing. She meant well. She wanted me to grow up to be smart and to hold my own in the classroom. She wanted what was best for me and although, yes, she went about it the wrong way and instead of teaching me to be fearless in the face of uncertainty and difficulty, she instilled in me this present day fear and aversion of not getting it right. Her harsh treatment of my failures sent me the wrong message. A message I need to work hard to overcome and correct today.
For most of my life I was an "all or nothing" kind of guy. All or nothing because I could not allow myself the grace to fail. I say grace because I see now that without grace in the midst of failure and wrong-doing, condemnation and hopelessness will undoubtedly set in and enslave you. At least, this was my heart-wrenching experience which kept God's grace at bay and my need to perform and please others always in high demand. A no-win situation, which only led me to deeper and stronger levels of self-hatred and remorse.Thankfully those days are behind me now. Distant memories tinged in dark silhouettes of pain but no longer able to hold me captive in its stifling and iron-grip grasp.
My recent failure at work and my Director's estimation that I was not "thorough enough" have been a thorn in my mind. I have revisited the incident numerous times and gone through the motions of what I could have done to reach the desired result but each and every time I have come to the right conclusion that I am human, very much so, and therefore prone to making mistakes. With that reality before me I have learned each and every time, when the memories and self-analysis of my error begin to invade and eat away at my peace of mind, to do what I know to be the right thing. I bring my burden of failure and leave it at the feet of Jesus. At his feet I am met with a holy exchange; my failure for His grace. The river of fire that surrounds His throne overflows with grace and mercy. I have learned not to fear the flames but to draw near and jump in. I burn but am not consumed. Only my lack, only those things which keep me weighed down are eaten away by the flames. Each and every time I rise up again stronger, more confident, a step closer to freedom.
All this to say, I struggle like every one else around me, yet have tapped into what sets me free and keeps me rising up like the noonday sun. He covers and anoints me to go forward, not in my own strength but in the knowledge that I serve a God-Man who unlike my human counterparts is not phased one bit by my inability and failures but even in my weaknesses and lack He finds me desirable and worthy of love. True, it might come to the undesirable conclusion that like Mom, my Superiors at work may one day lose their patience and sent out the word; "You're fired!" along with the walk of shame as I am escorted out of the building (...Why do they escort you out? What could I possibly want to take with me but my dignity intact as I walk out the front door?). At least, I can breathe deeply and take in the knowledge that God will work it all out for my good since I have been called according to His (not mine and no one else) purposes.
Just do me the favor and point me to this blog if and when that day arrives because not only am I not perfect but I tend to forget all His benefits and need to be lovingly reminded.
Friday, January 22, 2010
Look into My Eyes
One of my all-time favorite scenes on "Good Times" is when Florida finally reacts to the death of her husband James. She shatters a glass bowl and yells: "Damn! Damn! Damn!" as a flood of pent up emotions finally rush to the surface and spill out of her. Classic TV moment forever imprinted in my childhood memories and one I can absolutely relate to at the moment. Something deep inside me wants to shatter the biggest, heaviest jar of pickles (like the ones I buy at Western Beef) and as I break it over someone's head also yell at the top of my lungs more x-rated words that would make some old-fashioned Pentecostal gray haired lady break into tongues as she rebukes the devil.
I don't want to give in to the lies of my emotions. I am well aware how once they get going the louder they become. I am familiar with the deafening sounds of negativity and frustration so I keep them at bay and do my best to maintain an optimistic attitude. It's very important to keep reminding myself the mantra I use to breathe and center myself..."This too shall pass...this too shall pass". And thank God it always does, which is why I have learned not to give into the persistent voices in my head. I just gotta keep working at it. Cannot give an inch to these feelings because they will drag me down and do their best to keep me down. Been there, done that and it only made my condition worse. I can hear some people reading this and saying to me: "Hold every thought captive Idilio..." and with God before me I will do just that.
It has been a struggle but one I am ready to take on. You see, I really, really, truly get it now when I tell myself: "God loves me and is on my side". No longer words floating in my mind but holy seeds which have taken root in my heart and spirit and are finally bearing fruit. I am learning patience like never before. I am learning to just let it roll off my shoulders. I refuse to take any burden not designed for me. He means it when He says: "My burden is easy and my yoke is light". I am not dealing with just any man who is prone to making promises or declaring empty words. No, the god-man I am walking this out with is wholly perfect and absolutely reliable. Can I just tell you, He has proven himself worthy in every way to me. But what really draws me to Him is His amazing ability to love me in the good times as well as the bad times. His love does not diminish or is it measured by my performance. Whether I do or I don't, his affections burn brightly for me and towards me. Don't know about you but it creates in me a deep desire to do what I can to know Him better.
Pastor Pete led us in an imaginary journey this past Sunday. He asked the congregation to close our eyes and envision Jesus. I love these types of exercises since it allows for my pent-up creativity to be unloosed and spill out into the unseen world around me. I'm the kind of guy who sees angels and demons and everything in between. I don't do it much but when I get into that place of seeing with the eyes of my spirit man, I see unimaginable things and believe it or not, human words fail me in the effort to describe what I am experiencing. So you can imagine how I jumped at the chance to close my eyes and picture in my mind what this Jesus looks like. He tends to look different a lot of times. Sometimes I envision Him as dark and imposing with eyes that almost threaten to scorch my heart when I look into them. Other times, He is completely covered in brilliant light which fills me with an unexplainable sense of reverence and awe I completely lack at other times. I know, I know, I should always be in awe of Him but the truth is His appearance varies and my response to him accordingly.
My favorite image of Him is when I see Him sitting on His throne and He is overcome with laughter! The kind of laughter that is infectious and just wants to make you want to fall on the floor and roll around in uproarious fits of uncontrollable hysterics. I guess you can say I serve a Hilarious God. He laughs at my enemies and welcomes me to draw close to Him and join in. I am learning to do so more and more often.
But getting back to this past Sunday, as Pastor Pete asked to picture Jesus and to look into His eyes, he asked us what did we see in his gaze saying to us. Well, get out the kleenex box and start wiping because there he stood before me looking very much like the image hanging in the church's lobby mural and as I looked into His eyes I was overwhelmed with a deep sense of His longing for me. Honestly, I can't remember what he spoke to me. He whispered intimate words into my ear, that much I can recall but what stands out till now, as I write this, were his hands and how he placed them on my head, like a lover about to reveal a secret. His hot breath in my ear, He held me close, closer than a friend and whispered words pregnant with love and longing. These are the moments that give me the resolve to hold on during these unsure times I am walking in. One thing is certain, He loves me and I believe wholeheartedly His love will see me through whatever it is I have to face.
Its true when it is said We become like whatever we set our affections on and the longer we gaze into that object, the more we are transformed and made like it. So be encouraged. If you are struggling right now (and who isn't) don't give up now because we are so close to receiving our great reward. But to receive what is coming to you, you have to believe He is for you and not against you. Don't let your circumstances dictate the outcome of things. We owe it to ourselves and if we do not faint we will reap a rich harvest that will overflow into the deepest confines of eternity. This is my hope and I'm sticking to it, come hell or high water and this hope does not disappoint. He will not let us down!
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
I don't want to give in to the lies of my emotions. I am well aware how once they get going the louder they become. I am familiar with the deafening sounds of negativity and frustration so I keep them at bay and do my best to maintain an optimistic attitude. It's very important to keep reminding myself the mantra I use to breathe and center myself..."This too shall pass...this too shall pass". And thank God it always does, which is why I have learned not to give into the persistent voices in my head. I just gotta keep working at it. Cannot give an inch to these feelings because they will drag me down and do their best to keep me down. Been there, done that and it only made my condition worse. I can hear some people reading this and saying to me: "Hold every thought captive Idilio..." and with God before me I will do just that.
It has been a struggle but one I am ready to take on. You see, I really, really, truly get it now when I tell myself: "God loves me and is on my side". No longer words floating in my mind but holy seeds which have taken root in my heart and spirit and are finally bearing fruit. I am learning patience like never before. I am learning to just let it roll off my shoulders. I refuse to take any burden not designed for me. He means it when He says: "My burden is easy and my yoke is light". I am not dealing with just any man who is prone to making promises or declaring empty words. No, the god-man I am walking this out with is wholly perfect and absolutely reliable. Can I just tell you, He has proven himself worthy in every way to me. But what really draws me to Him is His amazing ability to love me in the good times as well as the bad times. His love does not diminish or is it measured by my performance. Whether I do or I don't, his affections burn brightly for me and towards me. Don't know about you but it creates in me a deep desire to do what I can to know Him better.
Pastor Pete led us in an imaginary journey this past Sunday. He asked the congregation to close our eyes and envision Jesus. I love these types of exercises since it allows for my pent-up creativity to be unloosed and spill out into the unseen world around me. I'm the kind of guy who sees angels and demons and everything in between. I don't do it much but when I get into that place of seeing with the eyes of my spirit man, I see unimaginable things and believe it or not, human words fail me in the effort to describe what I am experiencing. So you can imagine how I jumped at the chance to close my eyes and picture in my mind what this Jesus looks like. He tends to look different a lot of times. Sometimes I envision Him as dark and imposing with eyes that almost threaten to scorch my heart when I look into them. Other times, He is completely covered in brilliant light which fills me with an unexplainable sense of reverence and awe I completely lack at other times. I know, I know, I should always be in awe of Him but the truth is His appearance varies and my response to him accordingly.
My favorite image of Him is when I see Him sitting on His throne and He is overcome with laughter! The kind of laughter that is infectious and just wants to make you want to fall on the floor and roll around in uproarious fits of uncontrollable hysterics. I guess you can say I serve a Hilarious God. He laughs at my enemies and welcomes me to draw close to Him and join in. I am learning to do so more and more often.
But getting back to this past Sunday, as Pastor Pete asked to picture Jesus and to look into His eyes, he asked us what did we see in his gaze saying to us. Well, get out the kleenex box and start wiping because there he stood before me looking very much like the image hanging in the church's lobby mural and as I looked into His eyes I was overwhelmed with a deep sense of His longing for me. Honestly, I can't remember what he spoke to me. He whispered intimate words into my ear, that much I can recall but what stands out till now, as I write this, were his hands and how he placed them on my head, like a lover about to reveal a secret. His hot breath in my ear, He held me close, closer than a friend and whispered words pregnant with love and longing. These are the moments that give me the resolve to hold on during these unsure times I am walking in. One thing is certain, He loves me and I believe wholeheartedly His love will see me through whatever it is I have to face.
Its true when it is said We become like whatever we set our affections on and the longer we gaze into that object, the more we are transformed and made like it. So be encouraged. If you are struggling right now (and who isn't) don't give up now because we are so close to receiving our great reward. But to receive what is coming to you, you have to believe He is for you and not against you. Don't let your circumstances dictate the outcome of things. We owe it to ourselves and if we do not faint we will reap a rich harvest that will overflow into the deepest confines of eternity. This is my hope and I'm sticking to it, come hell or high water and this hope does not disappoint. He will not let us down!
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Song in the Ruins
I have been following the news coverage concerning Haiti like so many others. The stories coming forth out of this catastrophe have been heart-wrenching and sobering to watch. Thousands have lost their lives. Thousands more lie wounded and destitute. Yet, I am noticing a pattern in all the suffering and devastation. Just finished watching a story about a woman trapped under the rubble of her house, injured but alive. Six days later and she is still alive...I simply can't fathom what she has had to endure in the dark, with no food or water, and bones crushed. She was finally set free and as she is being taken out on a stretcher her first words ring out amid the ruins; "Thank you, God!" and immediately goes into song. "Do not fear Death..." her anthem declares and as I hear the reporter share this story of survival I am once again humbled and inspired. Humbled to witness such strength, thanksgiving, and heartfelt praise being lived out in the here and now. Humbled also at realizing I have so much, yet in my prosperity and abundance, which I take for granted every day, I forget to give thanks. I forget how truly fortunate I am in my New York state of mind. The poorest among us here live like royalty in comparison to others elsewhere.
What am I doing to help those in need? What blessings have I forgotten about that I should give thanks for? How can I serve right now and do my part to contribute to the relief efforts going on? What changes can I incorporate into my life to maintain a lifestyle of thanksgiving and service and what will be my song in my midst?
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
What am I doing to help those in need? What blessings have I forgotten about that I should give thanks for? How can I serve right now and do my part to contribute to the relief efforts going on? What changes can I incorporate into my life to maintain a lifestyle of thanksgiving and service and what will be my song in my midst?
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Honoring the Way of Civil Disobedience
What makes this day so special to me is not the simple fact of remembering Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. but what he stood for. I only have articles, news and video footage to remind me what life was like decades ago. I don't know what it feels like to have to sit in the back of a bus. I hope I never have to be directed to a "Colored Only" venue and denied service because of the beautiful color of my skin. May I never be denied for any reason whatsoever is my prayer.
It all seems like a far off dream when I sit and watch Dr. King footage. Living in a world where, for the most part, I do not have to confront blatant racism (keyword "blatant"...if you know what I mean) and endure the type of unjust treatment others lived through but I do take a moment to seriously wonder what if...
What if men and women like Dr. King, Malcolm X, Rosa Parks, Shirley Chisolm, Toussaint L'Ouverture, Abraham Lincoln, Medgar Evers, Jackie Robinson, Marcus Garvey, Harriet Tubman, Emmett Till, the four black students who began a sit-in at a Woolworth's lunch counter, Stokely Carmichael, and every marcher to Washington D.C, never rose to the occasion and in their own significant way protested and did their part to help eradicate hate and ignorance? LIFE as I know it would be drastically different.
I say "Thank You!" to those who went before me and pray in my own life, I will also rise to the occasion and do my part to make this world a better place for all men to live in.
His Dream is My Dream also.
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
It all seems like a far off dream when I sit and watch Dr. King footage. Living in a world where, for the most part, I do not have to confront blatant racism (keyword "blatant"...if you know what I mean) and endure the type of unjust treatment others lived through but I do take a moment to seriously wonder what if...
What if men and women like Dr. King, Malcolm X, Rosa Parks, Shirley Chisolm, Toussaint L'Ouverture, Abraham Lincoln, Medgar Evers, Jackie Robinson, Marcus Garvey, Harriet Tubman, Emmett Till, the four black students who began a sit-in at a Woolworth's lunch counter, Stokely Carmichael, and every marcher to Washington D.C, never rose to the occasion and in their own significant way protested and did their part to help eradicate hate and ignorance? LIFE as I know it would be drastically different.
I say "Thank You!" to those who went before me and pray in my own life, I will also rise to the occasion and do my part to make this world a better place for all men to live in.
His Dream is My Dream also.
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Time on My Hands
Soon I may have plenty of time on my hands so I was wondering what could I dedicate myself to and finally accomplish. These are just some random thoughts and ideas floating in "mi cabeza":
1. Yup, you guessed it. Finally write this long awaited book bursting inside me wanting to see the light of day! This would be the perfect time to do so.
2. Go back to the gym and finally lose the thirty or so pounds I've accumulated. Haven't been to a gym or lifted a finger since Dcember 2008, when I was handed my cancer diagnosis. Now that I am in full recovery, it may be high time to get on that treadmill and run, Idilio, run.
3. Finally learn to type! This two finger business is a drag. Takes me forever to write a simple paragraph (not a good thing for someone who loves to write).
4. Spend the cold winter months somewhere warm and volunteer of my time (Haiti comes to mind).
5. Go to Hollywood and get discovered.
6. Run for Mayor of New York City.
7. Hang out in the subways and yell at the top of my lungs: "Repent! The end is near!" to people passing by.
8. Bring back the Squigee Man movement. Where did they go? Nobody tries to wash my windshield anymore for spare change. Thanks Bloomberg.
9. Run a campaign to keep Conan O' Brien as Late Night Show Host. Leno? Are you kidding me? Oh well, I'm sure there are plenty out there who prefer him over Conan. Now you know where I stand. Conan...Conan...Conan.
10. Start my own Organizing Business where I would go to people's houses and a fee help them organize clostes, drawers, piles of paper, etc. Love doing that kind of stuff.
And last but not least, show up every day to work and upon seeing those who fired me or maligned me, run up to them, give them a bear hug and kiss and offer them a cup of hot cocoa or cafe con leche and say a heartfelt "thank you!".
1. Yup, you guessed it. Finally write this long awaited book bursting inside me wanting to see the light of day! This would be the perfect time to do so.
2. Go back to the gym and finally lose the thirty or so pounds I've accumulated. Haven't been to a gym or lifted a finger since Dcember 2008, when I was handed my cancer diagnosis. Now that I am in full recovery, it may be high time to get on that treadmill and run, Idilio, run.
3. Finally learn to type! This two finger business is a drag. Takes me forever to write a simple paragraph (not a good thing for someone who loves to write).
4. Spend the cold winter months somewhere warm and volunteer of my time (Haiti comes to mind).
5. Go to Hollywood and get discovered.
6. Run for Mayor of New York City.
7. Hang out in the subways and yell at the top of my lungs: "Repent! The end is near!" to people passing by.
8. Bring back the Squigee Man movement. Where did they go? Nobody tries to wash my windshield anymore for spare change. Thanks Bloomberg.
9. Run a campaign to keep Conan O' Brien as Late Night Show Host. Leno? Are you kidding me? Oh well, I'm sure there are plenty out there who prefer him over Conan. Now you know where I stand. Conan...Conan...Conan.
10. Start my own Organizing Business where I would go to people's houses and a fee help them organize clostes, drawers, piles of paper, etc. Love doing that kind of stuff.
And last but not least, show up every day to work and upon seeing those who fired me or maligned me, run up to them, give them a bear hug and kiss and offer them a cup of hot cocoa or cafe con leche and say a heartfelt "thank you!".
As Donald Trump would say "You're Fired!"
What a difference a day makes. Approximately two weeks ago I was celebrating with my Prayer Circle at Church how I had been offered a promotion and a raise. You can imagine the joy I felt and how truly thankful I was for such a blessing. I was poised to move up the ladder of success and was more than ready for the advancement. Today I was given the heart-breaking news, my promotion has been rescinded and my present position lies perilously at stake.
I was grilled today concerning an oversight in some paperwork I submitted to my Supervisor a week ago. As a result of this blunder she was dismissed yesterday. It appears she approved something which was incomplete and should not have been approved to begin with. I can only surmise this was just one of several strings of errors that led to her sudden dismissal. In any case, today was my turn. To make the long story short I was found accountable and equally to blame for my Supervisor's lack of judgment in approving a foster home which now seems to have glaring deficiencies; placing young children in jeopardy. Instead of being fired right there and then, my Superiors felt I should go home and wait for their final decision on Tuesday.
The outcome does not look favorable. I don't want to read into the matter but it appears I may soon be out of gainful employment. I was informed even if I were to remain I would most probably be demoted. With that demotion may come a period of probation and even a pay cut. The same person who just two weeks ago sang my praises today stared at me with disdain and read me my final rites. Dead man walking.
But allow me to share with you great news in the midst of everything that transpired today. As painful as this experience has been and no doubt may become I found myself at peace. I'm not just saying this. I actually felt a calmness come over me during what seemed like a trial without jury. As she sat there and asked me the questions that would serve as the rope my neck would hang on, I found myself peacefully resigned to whatever the outcome. Don't get me wrong, my mind was working overtime trying desperately to find the right words and excuses but each and every time I summoned the strength and integrity to accept full responsibility for my mistake. My flesh wanted to take over and rush in with convincing words that would somehow get me off the hook. I wanted to give indignation freedom to speak up and make her see differently but each and every time this overwhelming peace won over allowing me to speak calmly, steadily, and submissively.
Some may look at this latter display as weakness on my part; an inability to defend myself and assert my right to explain away the incriminating evidence brought up against me. I choose to see it in a different light. I prefer to believe I was choosing to put my sole defense in God's hand. No matter what the enemy may have in store for me I truly believe God is able to turn it around and has greater blessings instead if I simply step back and allow him to fight on my behalf. I guess you can say, as I sat there and heard the accusations leveled against my work performance, which in the last three years had not once been questioned or brought under fire, I viewed it as a golden opportunity to allow God to come to my defense. Although in the natural it appeared as if I was being unfairly treated and I was doing nothing about it but I choose to believe instead my character was being further refined and I was being shown how much I have grown in the last year.
There are a million ways to look at this scenario. A million possibilities. I pray only one outcome. May I walk away from this experience further molded and shaped into the image of the one I long to be like. I have been accused and maligned so many times in my life. Misread. Misunderstood and mistreated. Today was the first time in my thirty-nine years of life where I consciously and willfully chose to lay down my sword and dared not lash out and take control. There was no joy in the act. Wish I could say it was the most emotionally rewarding experience today but I would be flat out lying to you. I also wish I could tell you in the midst of such peace I was spared pain and suffering. As soon as I left that meeting I cried a river and smoked three cigarettes in rapid succession in order to regain my composure. I walked into men's room and as I splashed cold water on my swollen eyes and face, I prayed:
" Lord, this year is turning out to be a Character building year of epic proportions, huh?...and later joked to someone how I might only be around for another two years since I could sense the accelerating work of God in my life thus making me complete and ready for eternity where I will look back at these momentary troubles and finally understand all the mysteries surrounding them.
Keep me in your prayers. The next few weeks and months may be intense as I submit myself to the work of Spirit and prepare myself further for a rendevouz with destiny. And as much I desire for it to be accomplished, I know I must be on guard against my mind and flesh which will undoubtedly attempt to rise up and rebel against the greater work being established and carried out in my being.
I was grilled today concerning an oversight in some paperwork I submitted to my Supervisor a week ago. As a result of this blunder she was dismissed yesterday. It appears she approved something which was incomplete and should not have been approved to begin with. I can only surmise this was just one of several strings of errors that led to her sudden dismissal. In any case, today was my turn. To make the long story short I was found accountable and equally to blame for my Supervisor's lack of judgment in approving a foster home which now seems to have glaring deficiencies; placing young children in jeopardy. Instead of being fired right there and then, my Superiors felt I should go home and wait for their final decision on Tuesday.
The outcome does not look favorable. I don't want to read into the matter but it appears I may soon be out of gainful employment. I was informed even if I were to remain I would most probably be demoted. With that demotion may come a period of probation and even a pay cut. The same person who just two weeks ago sang my praises today stared at me with disdain and read me my final rites. Dead man walking.
But allow me to share with you great news in the midst of everything that transpired today. As painful as this experience has been and no doubt may become I found myself at peace. I'm not just saying this. I actually felt a calmness come over me during what seemed like a trial without jury. As she sat there and asked me the questions that would serve as the rope my neck would hang on, I found myself peacefully resigned to whatever the outcome. Don't get me wrong, my mind was working overtime trying desperately to find the right words and excuses but each and every time I summoned the strength and integrity to accept full responsibility for my mistake. My flesh wanted to take over and rush in with convincing words that would somehow get me off the hook. I wanted to give indignation freedom to speak up and make her see differently but each and every time this overwhelming peace won over allowing me to speak calmly, steadily, and submissively.
Some may look at this latter display as weakness on my part; an inability to defend myself and assert my right to explain away the incriminating evidence brought up against me. I choose to see it in a different light. I prefer to believe I was choosing to put my sole defense in God's hand. No matter what the enemy may have in store for me I truly believe God is able to turn it around and has greater blessings instead if I simply step back and allow him to fight on my behalf. I guess you can say, as I sat there and heard the accusations leveled against my work performance, which in the last three years had not once been questioned or brought under fire, I viewed it as a golden opportunity to allow God to come to my defense. Although in the natural it appeared as if I was being unfairly treated and I was doing nothing about it but I choose to believe instead my character was being further refined and I was being shown how much I have grown in the last year.
There are a million ways to look at this scenario. A million possibilities. I pray only one outcome. May I walk away from this experience further molded and shaped into the image of the one I long to be like. I have been accused and maligned so many times in my life. Misread. Misunderstood and mistreated. Today was the first time in my thirty-nine years of life where I consciously and willfully chose to lay down my sword and dared not lash out and take control. There was no joy in the act. Wish I could say it was the most emotionally rewarding experience today but I would be flat out lying to you. I also wish I could tell you in the midst of such peace I was spared pain and suffering. As soon as I left that meeting I cried a river and smoked three cigarettes in rapid succession in order to regain my composure. I walked into men's room and as I splashed cold water on my swollen eyes and face, I prayed:
" Lord, this year is turning out to be a Character building year of epic proportions, huh?...and later joked to someone how I might only be around for another two years since I could sense the accelerating work of God in my life thus making me complete and ready for eternity where I will look back at these momentary troubles and finally understand all the mysteries surrounding them.
Keep me in your prayers. The next few weeks and months may be intense as I submit myself to the work of Spirit and prepare myself further for a rendevouz with destiny. And as much I desire for it to be accomplished, I know I must be on guard against my mind and flesh which will undoubtedly attempt to rise up and rebel against the greater work being established and carried out in my being.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
KIss Me in My Loneliness
I've been sitting here, blankly staring at my laptop screen, afraid to write what I am feeling. Afraid because I don't want to be misunderstood and ultimately judged for how I am feeling. I feel like a Special Agent sent out into a mine field, the mine field of my emotions, to diffuse the land mines surrounding me at every turn. Yet, the anger is festering deep inside me, and first-hand experience tells me it is only a matter of time before it will rise to the surface and like a geyser explode into the frigid night air, falling on who knows who; most definitely an innocent by-stander. Or two. Or three. And so forth. Yet, I know for a fact if I don't get this out it will only end up imploding deep within and cause me greater pain.
God, why, why so much pain in a life yielded to wanting to do things the right way? Why do I have to revisit these ruins in the broken walls of my life without any hope of ever seeing it rebuilt and fortified once and for all, never to be broken into. I feel like a man robbed of his peace and about to commit some heinous crime out of pure desperation. Help me not to despair. Help me to hold the line, stand my ground and continue to wave my flag of surrender. Surrender to your perfect will for my life.
And the cork is popped...
This overwhelming sense of loneliness is undoing my very being. It is not good for man to be alone. Didn't the Almighty himself utters these words at watching his creation wander in the garden alone? Or is my pain deluding me into thinking and believing things that are not so? God, how much longer must I walk this life in solitude? Why have I been condemned to such a severe life sentence? Why have I not been found worthy of intimacy and companionship with another human being? It makes me so angry to think of myself as nothing more than a Modern-day Eunuch who daily must endure the overwhelming call to stand alone in a world so full of injustice and coldness.
Help me to see my greater purpose. Speak to my anger and hopelessness. Soothe my inconsolable yearning to be held by the strong arms of another. To be kissed with passion and smell the breath of one whispering my name with desire and yearning. I'm not bad looking. I can still go out there and find me what I long to have. But what for? What's the use, if deep in my soul I know this will not satisfy me for too long.
God, right now, in the presence of all my readers, I confess I am so angry! This hunger deep inside me, right now, is blinding me. I'm losing sight of eternity. I don't want to forget your words to me but at the moment my loneliness is making it nearly impossible for me to focus on anything else at the moment. I am past the blame game so I won't even bother pointing an accusatory finger at you nor will I revert to the old ways of throwing a tantrum in the hopes you will come and pick me up off the floor and just hold me. I know you already are doing just that. Holding me. I know tomorrow will bring with it some form of relief and I will once again breathe in your serene peace deep inside me.
Every foundation must be tested with wind and fire. I know this but at the present moment I am hurting deeply. I really can't say what brought it on. Maybe the passing of the holidays or this constant talk in the media of same sex union and marriages I have been exposed to as of late...this may have stirred in me this present resentment at knowing this is not the covenant established between you and I, but I implore you, send some relief my way.
People mention my passion for you and how admirable it appears to them. Maybe so. At the moment, I'm feeling extremely cold and distant. My tears are only an indication of the deep gashes resident inside my weary soul. They are not marked with longing for you at the moment. I know you know this, and I believe it has not changed how you view me and what you think of me. I know your affections are forever turned towards me. You, in your omniscient power saw this moment in time and yet you call me lovely. Send some relief and more importantly, right now, help me to be like you and not take anything personal or to heart from the well-intentioned souls who will try and assuage my pain and cover me with their loving words and responses. I thank you in advance for them but no matter what they say or do to help me in my journey, it will not be enough for I long to be kissed (not with comforting words) in my loneliness.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
God, why, why so much pain in a life yielded to wanting to do things the right way? Why do I have to revisit these ruins in the broken walls of my life without any hope of ever seeing it rebuilt and fortified once and for all, never to be broken into. I feel like a man robbed of his peace and about to commit some heinous crime out of pure desperation. Help me not to despair. Help me to hold the line, stand my ground and continue to wave my flag of surrender. Surrender to your perfect will for my life.
And the cork is popped...
This overwhelming sense of loneliness is undoing my very being. It is not good for man to be alone. Didn't the Almighty himself utters these words at watching his creation wander in the garden alone? Or is my pain deluding me into thinking and believing things that are not so? God, how much longer must I walk this life in solitude? Why have I been condemned to such a severe life sentence? Why have I not been found worthy of intimacy and companionship with another human being? It makes me so angry to think of myself as nothing more than a Modern-day Eunuch who daily must endure the overwhelming call to stand alone in a world so full of injustice and coldness.
Help me to see my greater purpose. Speak to my anger and hopelessness. Soothe my inconsolable yearning to be held by the strong arms of another. To be kissed with passion and smell the breath of one whispering my name with desire and yearning. I'm not bad looking. I can still go out there and find me what I long to have. But what for? What's the use, if deep in my soul I know this will not satisfy me for too long.
God, right now, in the presence of all my readers, I confess I am so angry! This hunger deep inside me, right now, is blinding me. I'm losing sight of eternity. I don't want to forget your words to me but at the moment my loneliness is making it nearly impossible for me to focus on anything else at the moment. I am past the blame game so I won't even bother pointing an accusatory finger at you nor will I revert to the old ways of throwing a tantrum in the hopes you will come and pick me up off the floor and just hold me. I know you already are doing just that. Holding me. I know tomorrow will bring with it some form of relief and I will once again breathe in your serene peace deep inside me.
Every foundation must be tested with wind and fire. I know this but at the present moment I am hurting deeply. I really can't say what brought it on. Maybe the passing of the holidays or this constant talk in the media of same sex union and marriages I have been exposed to as of late...this may have stirred in me this present resentment at knowing this is not the covenant established between you and I, but I implore you, send some relief my way.
People mention my passion for you and how admirable it appears to them. Maybe so. At the moment, I'm feeling extremely cold and distant. My tears are only an indication of the deep gashes resident inside my weary soul. They are not marked with longing for you at the moment. I know you know this, and I believe it has not changed how you view me and what you think of me. I know your affections are forever turned towards me. You, in your omniscient power saw this moment in time and yet you call me lovely. Send some relief and more importantly, right now, help me to be like you and not take anything personal or to heart from the well-intentioned souls who will try and assuage my pain and cover me with their loving words and responses. I thank you in advance for them but no matter what they say or do to help me in my journey, it will not be enough for I long to be kissed (not with comforting words) in my loneliness.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)