Soon I may have plenty of time on my hands so I was wondering what could I dedicate myself to and finally accomplish. These are just some random thoughts and ideas floating in "mi cabeza":
1. Yup, you guessed it. Finally write this long awaited book bursting inside me wanting to see the light of day! This would be the perfect time to do so.
2. Go back to the gym and finally lose the thirty or so pounds I've accumulated. Haven't been to a gym or lifted a finger since Dcember 2008, when I was handed my cancer diagnosis. Now that I am in full recovery, it may be high time to get on that treadmill and run, Idilio, run.
3. Finally learn to type! This two finger business is a drag. Takes me forever to write a simple paragraph (not a good thing for someone who loves to write).
4. Spend the cold winter months somewhere warm and volunteer of my time (Haiti comes to mind).
5. Go to Hollywood and get discovered.
6. Run for Mayor of New York City.
7. Hang out in the subways and yell at the top of my lungs: "Repent! The end is near!" to people passing by.
8. Bring back the Squigee Man movement. Where did they go? Nobody tries to wash my windshield anymore for spare change. Thanks Bloomberg.
9. Run a campaign to keep Conan O' Brien as Late Night Show Host. Leno? Are you kidding me? Oh well, I'm sure there are plenty out there who prefer him over Conan. Now you know where I stand. Conan...Conan...Conan.
10. Start my own Organizing Business where I would go to people's houses and a fee help them organize clostes, drawers, piles of paper, etc. Love doing that kind of stuff.
And last but not least, show up every day to work and upon seeing those who fired me or maligned me, run up to them, give them a bear hug and kiss and offer them a cup of hot cocoa or cafe con leche and say a heartfelt "thank you!".
Saturday, January 16, 2010
As Donald Trump would say "You're Fired!"
What a difference a day makes. Approximately two weeks ago I was celebrating with my Prayer Circle at Church how I had been offered a promotion and a raise. You can imagine the joy I felt and how truly thankful I was for such a blessing. I was poised to move up the ladder of success and was more than ready for the advancement. Today I was given the heart-breaking news, my promotion has been rescinded and my present position lies perilously at stake.
I was grilled today concerning an oversight in some paperwork I submitted to my Supervisor a week ago. As a result of this blunder she was dismissed yesterday. It appears she approved something which was incomplete and should not have been approved to begin with. I can only surmise this was just one of several strings of errors that led to her sudden dismissal. In any case, today was my turn. To make the long story short I was found accountable and equally to blame for my Supervisor's lack of judgment in approving a foster home which now seems to have glaring deficiencies; placing young children in jeopardy. Instead of being fired right there and then, my Superiors felt I should go home and wait for their final decision on Tuesday.
The outcome does not look favorable. I don't want to read into the matter but it appears I may soon be out of gainful employment. I was informed even if I were to remain I would most probably be demoted. With that demotion may come a period of probation and even a pay cut. The same person who just two weeks ago sang my praises today stared at me with disdain and read me my final rites. Dead man walking.
But allow me to share with you great news in the midst of everything that transpired today. As painful as this experience has been and no doubt may become I found myself at peace. I'm not just saying this. I actually felt a calmness come over me during what seemed like a trial without jury. As she sat there and asked me the questions that would serve as the rope my neck would hang on, I found myself peacefully resigned to whatever the outcome. Don't get me wrong, my mind was working overtime trying desperately to find the right words and excuses but each and every time I summoned the strength and integrity to accept full responsibility for my mistake. My flesh wanted to take over and rush in with convincing words that would somehow get me off the hook. I wanted to give indignation freedom to speak up and make her see differently but each and every time this overwhelming peace won over allowing me to speak calmly, steadily, and submissively.
Some may look at this latter display as weakness on my part; an inability to defend myself and assert my right to explain away the incriminating evidence brought up against me. I choose to see it in a different light. I prefer to believe I was choosing to put my sole defense in God's hand. No matter what the enemy may have in store for me I truly believe God is able to turn it around and has greater blessings instead if I simply step back and allow him to fight on my behalf. I guess you can say, as I sat there and heard the accusations leveled against my work performance, which in the last three years had not once been questioned or brought under fire, I viewed it as a golden opportunity to allow God to come to my defense. Although in the natural it appeared as if I was being unfairly treated and I was doing nothing about it but I choose to believe instead my character was being further refined and I was being shown how much I have grown in the last year.
There are a million ways to look at this scenario. A million possibilities. I pray only one outcome. May I walk away from this experience further molded and shaped into the image of the one I long to be like. I have been accused and maligned so many times in my life. Misread. Misunderstood and mistreated. Today was the first time in my thirty-nine years of life where I consciously and willfully chose to lay down my sword and dared not lash out and take control. There was no joy in the act. Wish I could say it was the most emotionally rewarding experience today but I would be flat out lying to you. I also wish I could tell you in the midst of such peace I was spared pain and suffering. As soon as I left that meeting I cried a river and smoked three cigarettes in rapid succession in order to regain my composure. I walked into men's room and as I splashed cold water on my swollen eyes and face, I prayed:
" Lord, this year is turning out to be a Character building year of epic proportions, huh?...and later joked to someone how I might only be around for another two years since I could sense the accelerating work of God in my life thus making me complete and ready for eternity where I will look back at these momentary troubles and finally understand all the mysteries surrounding them.
Keep me in your prayers. The next few weeks and months may be intense as I submit myself to the work of Spirit and prepare myself further for a rendevouz with destiny. And as much I desire for it to be accomplished, I know I must be on guard against my mind and flesh which will undoubtedly attempt to rise up and rebel against the greater work being established and carried out in my being.
I was grilled today concerning an oversight in some paperwork I submitted to my Supervisor a week ago. As a result of this blunder she was dismissed yesterday. It appears she approved something which was incomplete and should not have been approved to begin with. I can only surmise this was just one of several strings of errors that led to her sudden dismissal. In any case, today was my turn. To make the long story short I was found accountable and equally to blame for my Supervisor's lack of judgment in approving a foster home which now seems to have glaring deficiencies; placing young children in jeopardy. Instead of being fired right there and then, my Superiors felt I should go home and wait for their final decision on Tuesday.
The outcome does not look favorable. I don't want to read into the matter but it appears I may soon be out of gainful employment. I was informed even if I were to remain I would most probably be demoted. With that demotion may come a period of probation and even a pay cut. The same person who just two weeks ago sang my praises today stared at me with disdain and read me my final rites. Dead man walking.
But allow me to share with you great news in the midst of everything that transpired today. As painful as this experience has been and no doubt may become I found myself at peace. I'm not just saying this. I actually felt a calmness come over me during what seemed like a trial without jury. As she sat there and asked me the questions that would serve as the rope my neck would hang on, I found myself peacefully resigned to whatever the outcome. Don't get me wrong, my mind was working overtime trying desperately to find the right words and excuses but each and every time I summoned the strength and integrity to accept full responsibility for my mistake. My flesh wanted to take over and rush in with convincing words that would somehow get me off the hook. I wanted to give indignation freedom to speak up and make her see differently but each and every time this overwhelming peace won over allowing me to speak calmly, steadily, and submissively.
Some may look at this latter display as weakness on my part; an inability to defend myself and assert my right to explain away the incriminating evidence brought up against me. I choose to see it in a different light. I prefer to believe I was choosing to put my sole defense in God's hand. No matter what the enemy may have in store for me I truly believe God is able to turn it around and has greater blessings instead if I simply step back and allow him to fight on my behalf. I guess you can say, as I sat there and heard the accusations leveled against my work performance, which in the last three years had not once been questioned or brought under fire, I viewed it as a golden opportunity to allow God to come to my defense. Although in the natural it appeared as if I was being unfairly treated and I was doing nothing about it but I choose to believe instead my character was being further refined and I was being shown how much I have grown in the last year.
There are a million ways to look at this scenario. A million possibilities. I pray only one outcome. May I walk away from this experience further molded and shaped into the image of the one I long to be like. I have been accused and maligned so many times in my life. Misread. Misunderstood and mistreated. Today was the first time in my thirty-nine years of life where I consciously and willfully chose to lay down my sword and dared not lash out and take control. There was no joy in the act. Wish I could say it was the most emotionally rewarding experience today but I would be flat out lying to you. I also wish I could tell you in the midst of such peace I was spared pain and suffering. As soon as I left that meeting I cried a river and smoked three cigarettes in rapid succession in order to regain my composure. I walked into men's room and as I splashed cold water on my swollen eyes and face, I prayed:
" Lord, this year is turning out to be a Character building year of epic proportions, huh?...and later joked to someone how I might only be around for another two years since I could sense the accelerating work of God in my life thus making me complete and ready for eternity where I will look back at these momentary troubles and finally understand all the mysteries surrounding them.
Keep me in your prayers. The next few weeks and months may be intense as I submit myself to the work of Spirit and prepare myself further for a rendevouz with destiny. And as much I desire for it to be accomplished, I know I must be on guard against my mind and flesh which will undoubtedly attempt to rise up and rebel against the greater work being established and carried out in my being.
Monday, January 11, 2010
Friday, January 8, 2010
KIss Me in My Loneliness
I've been sitting here, blankly staring at my laptop screen, afraid to write what I am feeling. Afraid because I don't want to be misunderstood and ultimately judged for how I am feeling. I feel like a Special Agent sent out into a mine field, the mine field of my emotions, to diffuse the land mines surrounding me at every turn. Yet, the anger is festering deep inside me, and first-hand experience tells me it is only a matter of time before it will rise to the surface and like a geyser explode into the frigid night air, falling on who knows who; most definitely an innocent by-stander. Or two. Or three. And so forth. Yet, I know for a fact if I don't get this out it will only end up imploding deep within and cause me greater pain.
God, why, why so much pain in a life yielded to wanting to do things the right way? Why do I have to revisit these ruins in the broken walls of my life without any hope of ever seeing it rebuilt and fortified once and for all, never to be broken into. I feel like a man robbed of his peace and about to commit some heinous crime out of pure desperation. Help me not to despair. Help me to hold the line, stand my ground and continue to wave my flag of surrender. Surrender to your perfect will for my life.
And the cork is popped...
This overwhelming sense of loneliness is undoing my very being. It is not good for man to be alone. Didn't the Almighty himself utters these words at watching his creation wander in the garden alone? Or is my pain deluding me into thinking and believing things that are not so? God, how much longer must I walk this life in solitude? Why have I been condemned to such a severe life sentence? Why have I not been found worthy of intimacy and companionship with another human being? It makes me so angry to think of myself as nothing more than a Modern-day Eunuch who daily must endure the overwhelming call to stand alone in a world so full of injustice and coldness.
Help me to see my greater purpose. Speak to my anger and hopelessness. Soothe my inconsolable yearning to be held by the strong arms of another. To be kissed with passion and smell the breath of one whispering my name with desire and yearning. I'm not bad looking. I can still go out there and find me what I long to have. But what for? What's the use, if deep in my soul I know this will not satisfy me for too long.
God, right now, in the presence of all my readers, I confess I am so angry! This hunger deep inside me, right now, is blinding me. I'm losing sight of eternity. I don't want to forget your words to me but at the moment my loneliness is making it nearly impossible for me to focus on anything else at the moment. I am past the blame game so I won't even bother pointing an accusatory finger at you nor will I revert to the old ways of throwing a tantrum in the hopes you will come and pick me up off the floor and just hold me. I know you already are doing just that. Holding me. I know tomorrow will bring with it some form of relief and I will once again breathe in your serene peace deep inside me.
Every foundation must be tested with wind and fire. I know this but at the present moment I am hurting deeply. I really can't say what brought it on. Maybe the passing of the holidays or this constant talk in the media of same sex union and marriages I have been exposed to as of late...this may have stirred in me this present resentment at knowing this is not the covenant established between you and I, but I implore you, send some relief my way.
People mention my passion for you and how admirable it appears to them. Maybe so. At the moment, I'm feeling extremely cold and distant. My tears are only an indication of the deep gashes resident inside my weary soul. They are not marked with longing for you at the moment. I know you know this, and I believe it has not changed how you view me and what you think of me. I know your affections are forever turned towards me. You, in your omniscient power saw this moment in time and yet you call me lovely. Send some relief and more importantly, right now, help me to be like you and not take anything personal or to heart from the well-intentioned souls who will try and assuage my pain and cover me with their loving words and responses. I thank you in advance for them but no matter what they say or do to help me in my journey, it will not be enough for I long to be kissed (not with comforting words) in my loneliness.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
God, why, why so much pain in a life yielded to wanting to do things the right way? Why do I have to revisit these ruins in the broken walls of my life without any hope of ever seeing it rebuilt and fortified once and for all, never to be broken into. I feel like a man robbed of his peace and about to commit some heinous crime out of pure desperation. Help me not to despair. Help me to hold the line, stand my ground and continue to wave my flag of surrender. Surrender to your perfect will for my life.
And the cork is popped...
This overwhelming sense of loneliness is undoing my very being. It is not good for man to be alone. Didn't the Almighty himself utters these words at watching his creation wander in the garden alone? Or is my pain deluding me into thinking and believing things that are not so? God, how much longer must I walk this life in solitude? Why have I been condemned to such a severe life sentence? Why have I not been found worthy of intimacy and companionship with another human being? It makes me so angry to think of myself as nothing more than a Modern-day Eunuch who daily must endure the overwhelming call to stand alone in a world so full of injustice and coldness.
Help me to see my greater purpose. Speak to my anger and hopelessness. Soothe my inconsolable yearning to be held by the strong arms of another. To be kissed with passion and smell the breath of one whispering my name with desire and yearning. I'm not bad looking. I can still go out there and find me what I long to have. But what for? What's the use, if deep in my soul I know this will not satisfy me for too long.
God, right now, in the presence of all my readers, I confess I am so angry! This hunger deep inside me, right now, is blinding me. I'm losing sight of eternity. I don't want to forget your words to me but at the moment my loneliness is making it nearly impossible for me to focus on anything else at the moment. I am past the blame game so I won't even bother pointing an accusatory finger at you nor will I revert to the old ways of throwing a tantrum in the hopes you will come and pick me up off the floor and just hold me. I know you already are doing just that. Holding me. I know tomorrow will bring with it some form of relief and I will once again breathe in your serene peace deep inside me.
Every foundation must be tested with wind and fire. I know this but at the present moment I am hurting deeply. I really can't say what brought it on. Maybe the passing of the holidays or this constant talk in the media of same sex union and marriages I have been exposed to as of late...this may have stirred in me this present resentment at knowing this is not the covenant established between you and I, but I implore you, send some relief my way.
People mention my passion for you and how admirable it appears to them. Maybe so. At the moment, I'm feeling extremely cold and distant. My tears are only an indication of the deep gashes resident inside my weary soul. They are not marked with longing for you at the moment. I know you know this, and I believe it has not changed how you view me and what you think of me. I know your affections are forever turned towards me. You, in your omniscient power saw this moment in time and yet you call me lovely. Send some relief and more importantly, right now, help me to be like you and not take anything personal or to heart from the well-intentioned souls who will try and assuage my pain and cover me with their loving words and responses. I thank you in advance for them but no matter what they say or do to help me in my journey, it will not be enough for I long to be kissed (not with comforting words) in my loneliness.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Goya Beans, Plantains, and Puerto Rican-East Coast Pride
Getting ready to head back home. This past weekend was, to say the least, lazy and low-key. I'm not complaining. I am sort of glad it ended up being a laid-back weekend. I rested. I reflected. I took the time to be alone and just be. Felt good. These are some of the observations or conclusions I've come upon during these past three days away from home:
I am a NEW YORKER to the core. A Puerto Rican New Yorker at that. I noticed during my trip to the Supermarket how everything in these parts caters to my Mexican brothers and Sisters. They definitely rule out here. Not sure if I was too thrilled at realizing this. If you're not Mexican, it seems you are Central American. Spanish may be spoken but not with the accent and flair I am used and accustomed to. Even the names of things are changed and seem foreign to me. For exmaple, Andre loves to eat "tostones" (fried Plaintains) so I decide to hop in the car (you have to drive everywhere in this town) and headed out to VONS Supermarket. Typical American venue with the aisles in the middle and the deli and meats on one side, Dairy products in the back against the wall, and Produce on the other end of the huge Temple of Nutrition and Consumption we are so used to and thankful for. The difference to me, as a Hispanic, was the complete absence of my GOYA products. Couldn't find a can of Goya Beans even if my life depended on it. Sure, their was plenty of canned beans but to me, since it did not say Goya, well I swear to you I felt I was buying generic or bootleg. I half expected to crack open a can and find something else inside. Disturbing. I wanted to see the familiar blue and yellow cans with the bold white letters! Nowhere to be found. Oh well, I thought to myself, this was just a fluke. I was sure I'd find them at the next Mega foodplex. Hopped in the car again and headed out to what Andre called the "hood". Yes, if anything, I would definitely find Goya beans in the "hood". I mean, I grew up in the ghettos of Brooklyn, NY and this is where I was introduced to the Goya products with the catchy Spanish slogan: " Si es Goya, tiene que ser bueno!" which was later translated to English when beans became mainstream..."If It's Good, It's Gotta be Goya". Way before "gringos" were mixing beans into their salads and making three bean chili, I was cleaning them off my plate with rice and whatever meat was made available to me. Rice and Beans- every Puerto Rican's staple; at least those of my generation.
So as I was saying, we drove to the "hood" which looked just like any suburban town with vast expanses of parking lots in front of countless shopping mall strips extending the length of six to eight lane roads. As a New Yorker, I love and appreciate sidewalks. I take them for granted. And I'm not talking about asphalt pathways with grass on either side of them. No. I'm talking about those huge gray cement blocks with blackened gum imbedded into them and pieces of paper and wrappers floating about like modern -day dust balls of the ghost towns portrayed in Old Westerns. No one walks in the Suburbs. No need for sidewalks. This goes against my Native New York City mindset and upbringing.
We finally get to the TAPATITO Supermarket and once again I am thrown into a state of mental confusion. Once inside, I head for the fresh Produce section, which was as traditionally expected, off to the left side and start searching for plantains. Finally spotted them piled up next to the bananas and realize they are called "Bananos" here in the West Coast. Bananos? WTF? You gotta be kidding. No matter, I grab a plastic bag and start filling it with my "bananos" from Guatemala. They look the same as the plaintains from the Dominica Republic I am used to purchasing at home so I think nothing of the fact that unlike back at home, you buy them by the pound here. Back home, I get my "platanos" for as much as ten for a buck! Here, sixty-nine cents a pound. Not sure what that translates to, but I figure, it must be cheap, or close to what I would get at home. Wrong! When the Cashier girl rings 'em up I play it off when I see that my five small "bananos" cost over five dollars. S.H.I.T.!
Well folks, not only am I in a different time zone which becomes annoying when at night I reach for my cell phone to make my customary calls and have to stop as I realize it may be ten o' clock here but its one o' clock back home and very few of my contacts will be up or happy to hear from me at that hour. I realize I need more West Coast friends.
All in all, thankfully, I get back to Andre's place and was relieved to find that those expensive "bananos" fry up just like back home and taste just as divine dipped in garlic butter. Same for the beans. I opened the can to find that the only thing different was the label. Same beans wit that nasty liquid I always gladly drain out of the can and same gassy effect after I'm done consuming them. Thank God my butt is all better now and passing gas is just like any other nocturnal and private activity. Thankful, I don't see stars anymore when I have to let one rip (I curse you Booty Cancer!).
Looking forward to getting back to familiarity; to the City that although "Disneyfied" and gentrified still is home to me. Where plantains are just that and can still be had for cheap. Where Goya still fills the aisles of most supermarkets and bodegas. Where Puerto Ricans are still the majority amongst Spanish-speaking folk, even if we are rapidly mainstreaming and migrating to the burbs. Where I can choose to walk anywhere if I so please and do so without feeling confined by the narrow pathways of the suburbs; finding plenty of other people walking on them also, adding to the hectic energy of what I identify with as home sweet home. And where last but not least, everyone is governed by the same time zone. Can't wait to be back where I belong. New York. Home Sweet Home.
I am a NEW YORKER to the core. A Puerto Rican New Yorker at that. I noticed during my trip to the Supermarket how everything in these parts caters to my Mexican brothers and Sisters. They definitely rule out here. Not sure if I was too thrilled at realizing this. If you're not Mexican, it seems you are Central American. Spanish may be spoken but not with the accent and flair I am used and accustomed to. Even the names of things are changed and seem foreign to me. For exmaple, Andre loves to eat "tostones" (fried Plaintains) so I decide to hop in the car (you have to drive everywhere in this town) and headed out to VONS Supermarket. Typical American venue with the aisles in the middle and the deli and meats on one side, Dairy products in the back against the wall, and Produce on the other end of the huge Temple of Nutrition and Consumption we are so used to and thankful for. The difference to me, as a Hispanic, was the complete absence of my GOYA products. Couldn't find a can of Goya Beans even if my life depended on it. Sure, their was plenty of canned beans but to me, since it did not say Goya, well I swear to you I felt I was buying generic or bootleg. I half expected to crack open a can and find something else inside. Disturbing. I wanted to see the familiar blue and yellow cans with the bold white letters! Nowhere to be found. Oh well, I thought to myself, this was just a fluke. I was sure I'd find them at the next Mega foodplex. Hopped in the car again and headed out to what Andre called the "hood". Yes, if anything, I would definitely find Goya beans in the "hood". I mean, I grew up in the ghettos of Brooklyn, NY and this is where I was introduced to the Goya products with the catchy Spanish slogan: " Si es Goya, tiene que ser bueno!" which was later translated to English when beans became mainstream..."If It's Good, It's Gotta be Goya". Way before "gringos" were mixing beans into their salads and making three bean chili, I was cleaning them off my plate with rice and whatever meat was made available to me. Rice and Beans- every Puerto Rican's staple; at least those of my generation.
So as I was saying, we drove to the "hood" which looked just like any suburban town with vast expanses of parking lots in front of countless shopping mall strips extending the length of six to eight lane roads. As a New Yorker, I love and appreciate sidewalks. I take them for granted. And I'm not talking about asphalt pathways with grass on either side of them. No. I'm talking about those huge gray cement blocks with blackened gum imbedded into them and pieces of paper and wrappers floating about like modern -day dust balls of the ghost towns portrayed in Old Westerns. No one walks in the Suburbs. No need for sidewalks. This goes against my Native New York City mindset and upbringing.
We finally get to the TAPATITO Supermarket and once again I am thrown into a state of mental confusion. Once inside, I head for the fresh Produce section, which was as traditionally expected, off to the left side and start searching for plantains. Finally spotted them piled up next to the bananas and realize they are called "Bananos" here in the West Coast. Bananos? WTF? You gotta be kidding. No matter, I grab a plastic bag and start filling it with my "bananos" from Guatemala. They look the same as the plaintains from the Dominica Republic I am used to purchasing at home so I think nothing of the fact that unlike back at home, you buy them by the pound here. Back home, I get my "platanos" for as much as ten for a buck! Here, sixty-nine cents a pound. Not sure what that translates to, but I figure, it must be cheap, or close to what I would get at home. Wrong! When the Cashier girl rings 'em up I play it off when I see that my five small "bananos" cost over five dollars. S.H.I.T.!
Well folks, not only am I in a different time zone which becomes annoying when at night I reach for my cell phone to make my customary calls and have to stop as I realize it may be ten o' clock here but its one o' clock back home and very few of my contacts will be up or happy to hear from me at that hour. I realize I need more West Coast friends.
All in all, thankfully, I get back to Andre's place and was relieved to find that those expensive "bananos" fry up just like back home and taste just as divine dipped in garlic butter. Same for the beans. I opened the can to find that the only thing different was the label. Same beans wit that nasty liquid I always gladly drain out of the can and same gassy effect after I'm done consuming them. Thank God my butt is all better now and passing gas is just like any other nocturnal and private activity. Thankful, I don't see stars anymore when I have to let one rip (I curse you Booty Cancer!).
Looking forward to getting back to familiarity; to the City that although "Disneyfied" and gentrified still is home to me. Where plantains are just that and can still be had for cheap. Where Goya still fills the aisles of most supermarkets and bodegas. Where Puerto Ricans are still the majority amongst Spanish-speaking folk, even if we are rapidly mainstreaming and migrating to the burbs. Where I can choose to walk anywhere if I so please and do so without feeling confined by the narrow pathways of the suburbs; finding plenty of other people walking on them also, adding to the hectic energy of what I identify with as home sweet home. And where last but not least, everyone is governed by the same time zone. Can't wait to be back where I belong. New York. Home Sweet Home.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
When Eunuchs Fall in Love
Sometimes you just have to stop and ask yourself: "Is it all worth it? Why am I doing what I am doing?" Questions which deserve serious contemplation and truthful answers that can only come from periods of honest and brutal self-reflection.
I understand, and agree wholeheartedly, that if this self-analysis is not guided and led by Holy Spirit, it most likely will lead to greater guilt and shame, at beholding the darkness in ones heart. Those created to walk in light, at seeing the opposite lurking within, if they are not careful, will stumble and fall into the pit filled with well-intentioned human strength and deeds. Going at it in the darkness, on your own merits and strength, will only serve to drag you deeper into the mire. I've fallen and gotten stuck in this pit one too many times and can give you a play by play of what goes on there. But I won't, simply because It won't do you any good. Talking about the dark and what goes on inside it is futile; it brings no good result, in my opinion. I will only speak of the darkness if it will help shed greater revelation of God's love. In every dark place I have found myself in, I have encountered the same thing time and time again; men and women yearning and dying to be love. Sadly, love that is not sacrificial tends to be the wrong kind of love. A love that cannot and will not set you free and propel you into greater depths freedom is no love worth falling into.
For years, I opened myself up unabashedly to the celebration of sexual expression. As a young gay man, I gave myself wholeheartedly to the pursuit of physical pleasure believing that somehow, during one of those lascivious sessions where sweat coupled with body fluids intermingled with my voracious thirst as my mouth and body fed on whatever was before me, I would at last find my own personal nirvana. So I thought. Each and every time, no matter how good the momentary sensations may have been, I always walked away just as empty if not all the more void of my quest for love. Eventually, I ended confusing love with lust. Whatever my eyes looked at and feasted on, it wanted all the more deeply inside me. All this only compounded my desperate need to be loved unconditionally.
Aprendi...I learned that such love, for me, will never be found in the arms of just any man. This, added to the physical consequences of my past promiscuity has brought me to the sincere personal conviction and present life vocation. I embrace singleness as the standard to uphold. Celibacy has become to me the discipline of a man who accepts the call to set himself apart. Celibacy has become my daily undergarment. I will no longer unite this body to another until it is at last made one with the head of the household I have been called, chosen, and adopted to belong forever to.
I only regret it took this long to finally find the willingness and determination to adhere to my life calling. Please understand me, when I embrace the role of a Modern Day Eunuch described in Matthew 19:12, I am neither one born that way but one made this way by the defilement of men upon my body. I have spoken about this in the past and will continue to elaborate upon it in the future since I believe others like me may benefit from my transparent and at times brutal confessions.
For the sake of the One who called me, went all out to go find me, and snatch me out of the burning fire, I now dedicate my life to getting to know and be known by. It will take a lifetime to do so and even then I will require all of eternity to fully grasp and comprehend. This brightest of stars, who gave up his position of omnipresence, by taking on the form of man, is forever worthy to be followed. When I think of how Jesus did this for me, I can't help but want to live in return and get to know Him in all His fullness.
Which answers the question deep inside begging to be looked at and answered. Yes, it is well worth it because HE is WORTHY. My relationship with Him up till now attests to it. He was the only man who has and continues to love me with such sacrificial and undying love which leads me to understand in part why their was no one else in all of creation who was worthy to take the scroll in Heaven and open it. Such magnificence I long to come closer to and look upon with unshielded gaze.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
I understand, and agree wholeheartedly, that if this self-analysis is not guided and led by Holy Spirit, it most likely will lead to greater guilt and shame, at beholding the darkness in ones heart. Those created to walk in light, at seeing the opposite lurking within, if they are not careful, will stumble and fall into the pit filled with well-intentioned human strength and deeds. Going at it in the darkness, on your own merits and strength, will only serve to drag you deeper into the mire. I've fallen and gotten stuck in this pit one too many times and can give you a play by play of what goes on there. But I won't, simply because It won't do you any good. Talking about the dark and what goes on inside it is futile; it brings no good result, in my opinion. I will only speak of the darkness if it will help shed greater revelation of God's love. In every dark place I have found myself in, I have encountered the same thing time and time again; men and women yearning and dying to be love. Sadly, love that is not sacrificial tends to be the wrong kind of love. A love that cannot and will not set you free and propel you into greater depths freedom is no love worth falling into.
For years, I opened myself up unabashedly to the celebration of sexual expression. As a young gay man, I gave myself wholeheartedly to the pursuit of physical pleasure believing that somehow, during one of those lascivious sessions where sweat coupled with body fluids intermingled with my voracious thirst as my mouth and body fed on whatever was before me, I would at last find my own personal nirvana. So I thought. Each and every time, no matter how good the momentary sensations may have been, I always walked away just as empty if not all the more void of my quest for love. Eventually, I ended confusing love with lust. Whatever my eyes looked at and feasted on, it wanted all the more deeply inside me. All this only compounded my desperate need to be loved unconditionally.
Aprendi...I learned that such love, for me, will never be found in the arms of just any man. This, added to the physical consequences of my past promiscuity has brought me to the sincere personal conviction and present life vocation. I embrace singleness as the standard to uphold. Celibacy has become to me the discipline of a man who accepts the call to set himself apart. Celibacy has become my daily undergarment. I will no longer unite this body to another until it is at last made one with the head of the household I have been called, chosen, and adopted to belong forever to.
I only regret it took this long to finally find the willingness and determination to adhere to my life calling. Please understand me, when I embrace the role of a Modern Day Eunuch described in Matthew 19:12, I am neither one born that way but one made this way by the defilement of men upon my body. I have spoken about this in the past and will continue to elaborate upon it in the future since I believe others like me may benefit from my transparent and at times brutal confessions.
For the sake of the One who called me, went all out to go find me, and snatch me out of the burning fire, I now dedicate my life to getting to know and be known by. It will take a lifetime to do so and even then I will require all of eternity to fully grasp and comprehend. This brightest of stars, who gave up his position of omnipresence, by taking on the form of man, is forever worthy to be followed. When I think of how Jesus did this for me, I can't help but want to live in return and get to know Him in all His fullness.
Which answers the question deep inside begging to be looked at and answered. Yes, it is well worth it because HE is WORTHY. My relationship with Him up till now attests to it. He was the only man who has and continues to love me with such sacrificial and undying love which leads me to understand in part why their was no one else in all of creation who was worthy to take the scroll in Heaven and open it. Such magnificence I long to come closer to and look upon with unshielded gaze.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Momentary Afflictions
I reconnected with someone I haven't seen or heard from in years and in the exchange of the customary "How have you been?" question the million dollar question came up: "Are you Happy?"
Yes I am. I have come to the point in my life where I can truthfully say that in any situation I may find myself in, I choose to be happy and truly content. Truly.
This past year alone my eyes have opened to the reality that happiness is but a state of mind. It is an emotion coveted by the human race and one of the few pursuits built into and advocated for in our Bill of Rights as Americans. I find that to be interesting and completely understandable. Who in this life, in this world full of strife and pain, does not want to attain to the full measure of happiness? I sure do. I was created to be happy. Unfortunately, in a broken world where human nature is altered and crippled by the effects of original sin, humanity must have to endure at times periods of unhappiness. Don't know a soul who hasn't had to wrestle with this fact and found themselves many times chasing it down. Happiness can be elusive at most. Some days, I have been known to be caught up in the vicious cycle desperately trying to be happy. Yes, even when I have felt that I had done everything in my power and followed the established protocols and expectations in order to reach that state of being, well, it was not to be had. It can make a man downright depressed!
My personal battle with anger and bitterness, served as a means of ensuring my happiness was short lived or circumvented. I could laugh and celebrate life like the best of people but at the end of the day, I found myself empty-handed and void of whatever semblance of happiness I thought I possessed. At the core, I was deeply unsatisfied with my life. I was not content with the work of my hands. I suffered from a condition known to many of never measuring up to the expectations of others and allowing that to affect and alter how I viewed and felt about myself. I based my happiness on this and it only served to make feel incomplete and unsatisfied. It wasn't until I finally reached the end of myself, and more importantly, my vain striving, that I was finally able to turn the corner. And in turning that corner I came to the following personal truths, truths which have set me free.
First and foremost, I realized I wasn't created to go at this alone. I really do need a personal God to see me through and help me maneuver the choppy waters of life. Yes, a faithful navigator. But in order to allow him to take over the reins I had to acknowledge how much He truly cares and loves me...even if life is not going my way. Too many times when things were going wrong I'd tend to blame God since He was all-powerful and could easily make my life easy and blessed if He truly loved me. I finally came to the realization that even though He does love and care for me I need to understand that it is through the hard times that I come closer to experiencing His touch in my life. Those momentary troubles and afflictions that come in with the ebbs and flows of life are the very things that allow us to see His hand at work in us. Hands working towards shaping and molding us into His perfect image. But this is a process, a painful one at that, which requires patience and time; the two components we lack the most, at times.
I've always hated how people at seeing my brokenness have tried to fix me. Deep down I resented it. I viewed it as a confirmation of how I perceived and viewed myself; unworthy and unfit to be loved. In part, I know now I gave people too much power and control over my life and my crippling issues. It wasn't until I finally found myself at the end once again considering suicide that this truth became clear to me- Brokenness is good. It is in this state that I'm able to best reflect the treasures hidden deep inside me. It is through brokenness that I am able to demonstrate faithfully that my life and the measure of the happiness I have attained or have yet to attain is not dependent on what I can or cannot do for myself but on the level of trust and faith I place on the One who loves every part of me in my brokenness. He cherishes me in my brokenness. He designed me to be whole but in the meantime, He is able to use the cracks in my foundation, as well as the gaping holes still under construction, to demonstrate His surpassing glory to others. We are all works in progress who are destined to be heirs with God and co-heirs with Christ. I believe this with all my heart and once a truth makes it down from the realm of the mind and penetrates the heart, it begins to manifest in what we do, say, and how we feel.
All this to say that I am happy now, even if I am incomplete or broken and still struggling to define my path in the journey set before me. As I shared with a co-worker this past week and encouraged her to do in her brokenness..."just accept it and let the goodness spill out and bless others". I endeavor to do this very thing which I believe will bring glory and honor to the One who I embrace with all my heart and emotions, the One I kneel before and confess as my Faithful Friend, Brother, Husband, and King. How can I not be happy with someone so great by my side?
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Yes I am. I have come to the point in my life where I can truthfully say that in any situation I may find myself in, I choose to be happy and truly content. Truly.
This past year alone my eyes have opened to the reality that happiness is but a state of mind. It is an emotion coveted by the human race and one of the few pursuits built into and advocated for in our Bill of Rights as Americans. I find that to be interesting and completely understandable. Who in this life, in this world full of strife and pain, does not want to attain to the full measure of happiness? I sure do. I was created to be happy. Unfortunately, in a broken world where human nature is altered and crippled by the effects of original sin, humanity must have to endure at times periods of unhappiness. Don't know a soul who hasn't had to wrestle with this fact and found themselves many times chasing it down. Happiness can be elusive at most. Some days, I have been known to be caught up in the vicious cycle desperately trying to be happy. Yes, even when I have felt that I had done everything in my power and followed the established protocols and expectations in order to reach that state of being, well, it was not to be had. It can make a man downright depressed!
My personal battle with anger and bitterness, served as a means of ensuring my happiness was short lived or circumvented. I could laugh and celebrate life like the best of people but at the end of the day, I found myself empty-handed and void of whatever semblance of happiness I thought I possessed. At the core, I was deeply unsatisfied with my life. I was not content with the work of my hands. I suffered from a condition known to many of never measuring up to the expectations of others and allowing that to affect and alter how I viewed and felt about myself. I based my happiness on this and it only served to make feel incomplete and unsatisfied. It wasn't until I finally reached the end of myself, and more importantly, my vain striving, that I was finally able to turn the corner. And in turning that corner I came to the following personal truths, truths which have set me free.
First and foremost, I realized I wasn't created to go at this alone. I really do need a personal God to see me through and help me maneuver the choppy waters of life. Yes, a faithful navigator. But in order to allow him to take over the reins I had to acknowledge how much He truly cares and loves me...even if life is not going my way. Too many times when things were going wrong I'd tend to blame God since He was all-powerful and could easily make my life easy and blessed if He truly loved me. I finally came to the realization that even though He does love and care for me I need to understand that it is through the hard times that I come closer to experiencing His touch in my life. Those momentary troubles and afflictions that come in with the ebbs and flows of life are the very things that allow us to see His hand at work in us. Hands working towards shaping and molding us into His perfect image. But this is a process, a painful one at that, which requires patience and time; the two components we lack the most, at times.
I've always hated how people at seeing my brokenness have tried to fix me. Deep down I resented it. I viewed it as a confirmation of how I perceived and viewed myself; unworthy and unfit to be loved. In part, I know now I gave people too much power and control over my life and my crippling issues. It wasn't until I finally found myself at the end once again considering suicide that this truth became clear to me- Brokenness is good. It is in this state that I'm able to best reflect the treasures hidden deep inside me. It is through brokenness that I am able to demonstrate faithfully that my life and the measure of the happiness I have attained or have yet to attain is not dependent on what I can or cannot do for myself but on the level of trust and faith I place on the One who loves every part of me in my brokenness. He cherishes me in my brokenness. He designed me to be whole but in the meantime, He is able to use the cracks in my foundation, as well as the gaping holes still under construction, to demonstrate His surpassing glory to others. We are all works in progress who are destined to be heirs with God and co-heirs with Christ. I believe this with all my heart and once a truth makes it down from the realm of the mind and penetrates the heart, it begins to manifest in what we do, say, and how we feel.
All this to say that I am happy now, even if I am incomplete or broken and still struggling to define my path in the journey set before me. As I shared with a co-worker this past week and encouraged her to do in her brokenness..."just accept it and let the goodness spill out and bless others". I endeavor to do this very thing which I believe will bring glory and honor to the One who I embrace with all my heart and emotions, the One I kneel before and confess as my Faithful Friend, Brother, Husband, and King. How can I not be happy with someone so great by my side?
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)