When Eunuchs Fall in Love

Sometimes you just have to stop and ask yourself: "Is it all worth it? Why am I doing what I am doing?" Questions which deserve serious contemplation and truthful answers that can only come from periods of honest and brutal self-reflection.

I understand, and agree wholeheartedly, that if this self-analysis is not guided and led by Holy Spirit, it most likely will lead to greater guilt and shame, at beholding the darkness in ones heart. Those created to walk in light, at seeing the opposite lurking within, if they are not careful, will stumble and fall into the pit filled with well-intentioned human strength and deeds. Going at it in the darkness, on your own merits and strength, will only serve to drag you deeper into the mire.  I've fallen and gotten stuck in this pit one too many times and can give you a play by play of what goes on there. But I won't, simply because It won't do you any good. Talking about the dark and what goes on inside it is futile; it brings no good result, in my opinion. I will only speak of the darkness if it will help shed greater revelation of God's love. In every dark place I have found myself in, I have encountered the same thing time and time again; men and women yearning and dying to be love. Sadly, love that is not sacrificial tends to be the wrong kind of love. A love that cannot and will not set you free and propel you into greater depths freedom is no love worth falling into.

For years, I opened myself up unabashedly to the celebration of sexual expression.  As a young gay man, I gave myself wholeheartedly to the pursuit of physical pleasure believing that somehow, during one of those lascivious sessions where sweat coupled with body fluids intermingled with my voracious thirst as my mouth and body fed on whatever was before me, I would at last find my own personal nirvana. So I thought. Each and every time, no matter how good the momentary sensations may have been, I always walked away just as empty if not all the more void of my quest for love. Eventually, I ended confusing love with lust. Whatever my eyes looked at and feasted on, it wanted all the more deeply inside me. All this only compounded my desperate need to be loved unconditionally.

Aprendi...I learned that such love, for me, will never be found in the arms of just any man. This, added to the physical consequences of my past promiscuity has brought me to the sincere personal conviction  and present life vocation. I embrace singleness as the standard to uphold. Celibacy has become to me the discipline of a man who accepts the call to set himself apart. Celibacy has become my daily undergarment. I will no longer unite this body to another until it is at last made one with the head of the household I have been called, chosen, and adopted to belong forever to.

I only regret it took this long to finally find the willingness and determination to adhere to my life calling. Please understand me, when I embrace the role of a Modern Day Eunuch described in Matthew 19:12, I am neither one born that way but one made this way by the defilement of men upon my body. I have spoken about this in the past and will continue to elaborate upon it in the future since I believe others like me may benefit from my transparent and at times brutal confessions.

For the sake of the One who called me, went all out to go find me, and snatch me out of the burning fire, I now dedicate my life to getting to know and be known by. It will take a lifetime to do so and even then I will require all of eternity to fully grasp and comprehend. This brightest of stars, who gave up his position of omnipresence, by taking on the form of man, is forever worthy to be followed. When I think of how Jesus did this for me, I can't help but want to live in return and get to know Him in all His fullness.

Which answers the question deep inside begging to be looked at and answered. Yes, it is well worth it because HE is WORTHY.  My relationship with Him up till now attests to it. He was the only man who has and continues to love me with such sacrificial and undying love which leads me to understand in part why their was no one else in all of creation who was worthy to take the scroll in Heaven and open it. Such magnificence I long to come closer to and look upon with unshielded gaze.


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