When Cancer Overstays it Welcome

The mother of a young brother at my church was laid to rest yesterday. Cancer claimed her body but thankfully not her soul. Someone I deeply admire and marvel at seeing her amazing talents and gifting wrote about it today. I just happened to run into it and now here I sit in a puddle of hot tears. Anything cancer related nowadays has a way of grabbing my attention and makes me sit up and take notice. All for selfish reasons, mind you. I am not weeping because Mike's mom passed away but I am shedding tears at the thought of what it will be like when my turn comes up. "How long do I have left?" is the question I find marching in syncopated precision. Every time I wake up from one of my Morphine induced comatose naps I can't help but want to kick myself at having wasted precious time sleeping.  More than ever, I feel like I am in a race against time. Time may be running out for me and I'm spending most of it sleeping! Honest to God, how I wish someone, anyone would give me an exact, or at least an accurate prediction of how much time I have left before the lights of this world fade and I am enticed by the far more brilliant light of my Savior; the only literal light source on the other side where sickness and disease will never again harm anything or anyone!



I am not upset in the least "if" cancer is the chosen vessel to ferry me over to the other side. Not in the least. I can honestly bear the pain and ravages of this monstrous disease. The benefits and blessings coming from this experience are far outweighing the negative things afflicting me temporarily. Besides, I have, thus far, strong allies on my side and at my disposal.  I have a worldwide army praying for me (literally). I have amazing friends surrounding me, believing and agreeing with me that this cancer must shrivel up and die without taking me with it. I even have the support of my parents who have practically moved in with me in order to look after my daily personal needs. Yes, my friend, I am covered on all sides and feel completely loved and treasured. Yet, I have this present love-hate relationship with Morphine. I love how it keeps pain at bay. What I hate is how it causes me to sleep for an inordinate amount of time, which to me translates into a waste of precious time. Not much is accomplished while asleep (at least not what I feel needs to get done). Sadly, when it comes to my bodies response to sleep,  l lose each and every time. This morphine will sucker punch me every two hours as I ingest it into my body. I know, I know, I need to focus on the positive aspects. And I will....I'm just letting off some steam so it doesn't build up and cause me or some innocent by-stander unnecessary grief along the way.

I have clearly stipulated in my last will and testament my wishes to be cremated. I'm hoping and praying my family honors my request. I've asked for half of my remains to be disposed off of the Brooklyn Bridge since it symbolizes where I was born and raised. The remainder of my ashes are to be scattered over in Puerto Rico since this is where my ancestors and heritage derives from. I have yet to bring it to my parents attention but  I need to do so, sooner than later. I pray things go much more smoothly this time around. The last time I brought it up (a few years ago) my mother vehemently protested the whole cremation idea, which is why it prompted me to get it in writing. 

I will be the first among my family to be cremated...ever.  The reason why my mother is against cremation is not so much that my corpse will be burned but she will not have a physical place to go and visit such as like a traditional grave site. I've explained to her she can purchase a plot or space in a mausoleum where she can visit. She doesn't seem to think this is good enough of a solution. I've explained to her and gone into the whole "I won't be there anymore" speech but she refuses to reason with me. This has always been my problem with my mother; her obsessive idolatry of me as her "baby boy". This has caused my sisters a great deal of resentment and emotional grief. My sister Cindy has been known to throw it squarely in my face how I am "el favorito de mami" (mom's favorite) and how she worships the ground I walk on. I've done my part in apologizing and trying to help her see how I detest this about my mother since I believe it only brings God's displeasure when we put anything above him as number one. Yet this is another matter mom doesn't seem to want to recognize or acknowledge. The woman lives enshrouded by a thick and heavy layer of denial. I feel sorry for her but realize I can't do a thing to change her. I only have the power to change myself. Loving and accepting people where they are in life is easier said than done. I guess this is why we don't get to choose the families we are born into since they are given to us for a reason and purpose. Our family members are not coincidental but divinely orchestrated and put in place for that very reason. Iron sharpen iron and so forth. 


In the event that the executor of my will is not able to see my wishes for cremation granted, I have added a stipulation that any and all funeral viewings be carried out with a closed casket. I just don' t want anyone's lasting or final memory of me to be that of my lifeless body laid out with my make-up all wrong. I guess even in death I will be vain (lol). In the end, of course none of this will matter to anyone. This corruptible and decaying flesh will be no more! I will be free at last to live all of eternity in a glorified and transformed body. No more pain. No more deformities. No more prosthetic body parts. Can't wait! Then again, yes I can since I want to stick around and see God's promises to me fulfilled. All the more reason and witnessing proof to my spirit that this cancer is not mine to keep for much longer. Yes, I have a destiny I know I must fulfill. I have a name I have yet to bring more glory and honor to so that when I finally am called home I will hear loud and clear: "Well done good and faithful servant!"

Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.