"You are so loved, Idilio" has been told to me a great deal lately. I couldn't agree more. This illness has brought out the best in people. Everyone wants to do something, anything, to help ease my pain. This includes my own biological family.
My parents, thus far, have been here for me as I battle this cancer. They have put aside their own marital problems and presented themselves as a united front (or at least they are trying to do so). My father seems to have put his short fused temper and explosive anger under tight control so as not to cause me any stress or anxiety, For the time being, he has even put aside his now publicly known affair with my uncle's wife. It almost makes me want to believe he is actually capable of changing his womanizing ways. He just might be successful at fidelity in his senior years is what I'd like to leave this world believing but I'm quickly reminded by all my friends and acquaintance who lay eyes on him for the first time that he is much too handsome for that to be the case. El mundo esta lleno de tentaciones. The world is full of temptation. And he simply has no self-control. Never has and sadly I have lost any hope he ever will.
Women find my father very attractive and handsome at first sight. I can't even begin to tell you how it makes me feel inside when I hear my many women friends immediately comment on his good looks. What used to be a source of great pride has given way to downright disgust and aversion. I cringe when people mention how good looking my father is. I've even had some friends say to my face "He looks better than you!" The comment is usually followed by laughter which I have learned to accept as their cue that the comment was said in jest. Yet when it is said enough times it no longer produces the pride I once felt at hearing such a nice compliment paid to the old man. "Thanks. Should I hook up a date or quickie while we are on the subject?" is what I sometimes wish I was able to sarcastically respond. But conventional wisdom and proper etiquette in a given situation wins the day and I too laugh it off. I'm not sure why it bothers me so much nowadays. It is no exaggeration that if as the saying goes: "If I had a dollar" for every female or gay friend who has ever made mention of Dad's good looks I might just have enough to pay off one of my credit cards.
I lied. I do know why it bothers me so much. Such commentary only reminds me of the fact that my Father has lived his whole life using his good looks to get what he wants from the women who will give it to him. As long as I have known my father, the scarlet letter "A" has been a part of his identity. I have never known him not to be an Adulterer. I grew up with it. I heard about it constantly from my betrayed and devastated mother. She herself would volunteer the sordid details no child should ever have to hear about his own father. But that's a whole other story in itself and I don't have the emotional energy to get into that right now. Somehow, without even realizing it, I have allowed bitterness and an unforgiving attitude to put a wedge between my once healed and restored relationship with the man I once wished dead because of all the emotional pain and turmoil he singlehandedly had put me through. I am relieving my childhood, it seems, yet again.
As I fight for my life and not allow this cancer to consume me, I am faced with another battle - the battle to forgive and let go. I am failing miserably on both fronts. The cancer has not only reappeared but now threatens to do it's worst. At least this is the constant threat and fear I seem to be under ever since Dr. Nash announced to me how he wanted to rip out more than just my colon. There is no use in denying what I daily dread. And as the pain intensifies in my body, now I must deal with the emotional pain and trauma my father has brought about by taking on his brother-in-law's wife as his mistress.
I keep hoping and praying he will come to his senses and turn from his wicked ways. Instead, he continues to perpetuate lies of betrayal and denial, never stopping to realize how much he is affecting his whole family. As the "head" of this family he is dragging us all into a pit along with him and he doesn't seem to care or think his shameful actions matter or have any bearing on us as a family.
As for my mother, she continues to deceive herself and believe the affair is over and done with. That is until Dad gets sloppy in covering his tracks and mom finds out he wasn't where he said he was. Forty years she has put up with this. Forty years she has somehow managed to do what I am desperately trying to do now: forgive and forget. She must have her reasons for staying in such a dishonorable marriage (deep down I do believe she genuinely loves him) but it is taking its toll on me and my siblings. I can't speak for my sisters and tell you how they are coping but I can only say that "me" the only professing "born-again christian" en la familia, it is not fairing so well. My sisters can hate if they want and harbor unforgiveness if they so chose to but I on the other hand am strictly governed by the principle that in order to be forgiven I too must forgive. Fair enough, right? Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and I want to honor them, not to mention enjoy a stable, loving, and intimate relationship with them. I want to look in my father's eyes and not be ashamed or disgusted but he is not making it easy for me. I want to wake up and know without a doubt this charade is finally over. But it seems far from over, leaving me in the predicament I find myself in.
I need to overcome. I need to forgive. I need to move on but the dysfunctions of the family I was born into are proving to be as tenacious and as unyielding as the physical cancer I am currently faced with.I keep crying out to God for mercy over judgment. I do not want to judge the old man or anyone else for that matter because I want to have ample mercy granted to me. I cannot receive mercy if I cannot give mercy.
..."Father, forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."
Plain and simple, I must forgive in order to be forgiven. Yet I am finding it hard to do every time I think of the hurt and pain I see in my mother's hazel eyes. My heart breaks for her and I wish to God I could carry her pain and take it all away. But I am not a savior and I cannot do what I was never intended to do. I can't save anyone. Can't even save myself which is why I am in need of a constant and faithful Savior outside of myself. Yes, I need Jesus more now than ever. I need to have him carry this shame I feel weighing me down. I need him to set me free from unforgiveness. I need him to come and redeem me as I lay here and cry out. I need to focus on taking care of myself and beating this cancer.
Lord Jesus, I know you are able to do more than I can possibly ask or imagine according to the power that is at work within me. Holy Spirit come and shield me and release your power. I need you now more than ever. I have always needed you. I will always need you. Now more than ever! Give me faith to believe it will all work out for my good. Amen.
My parents, thus far, have been here for me as I battle this cancer. They have put aside their own marital problems and presented themselves as a united front (or at least they are trying to do so). My father seems to have put his short fused temper and explosive anger under tight control so as not to cause me any stress or anxiety, For the time being, he has even put aside his now publicly known affair with my uncle's wife. It almost makes me want to believe he is actually capable of changing his womanizing ways. He just might be successful at fidelity in his senior years is what I'd like to leave this world believing but I'm quickly reminded by all my friends and acquaintance who lay eyes on him for the first time that he is much too handsome for that to be the case. El mundo esta lleno de tentaciones. The world is full of temptation. And he simply has no self-control. Never has and sadly I have lost any hope he ever will.
Women find my father very attractive and handsome at first sight. I can't even begin to tell you how it makes me feel inside when I hear my many women friends immediately comment on his good looks. What used to be a source of great pride has given way to downright disgust and aversion. I cringe when people mention how good looking my father is. I've even had some friends say to my face "He looks better than you!" The comment is usually followed by laughter which I have learned to accept as their cue that the comment was said in jest. Yet when it is said enough times it no longer produces the pride I once felt at hearing such a nice compliment paid to the old man. "Thanks. Should I hook up a date or quickie while we are on the subject?" is what I sometimes wish I was able to sarcastically respond. But conventional wisdom and proper etiquette in a given situation wins the day and I too laugh it off. I'm not sure why it bothers me so much nowadays. It is no exaggeration that if as the saying goes: "If I had a dollar" for every female or gay friend who has ever made mention of Dad's good looks I might just have enough to pay off one of my credit cards.
I lied. I do know why it bothers me so much. Such commentary only reminds me of the fact that my Father has lived his whole life using his good looks to get what he wants from the women who will give it to him. As long as I have known my father, the scarlet letter "A" has been a part of his identity. I have never known him not to be an Adulterer. I grew up with it. I heard about it constantly from my betrayed and devastated mother. She herself would volunteer the sordid details no child should ever have to hear about his own father. But that's a whole other story in itself and I don't have the emotional energy to get into that right now. Somehow, without even realizing it, I have allowed bitterness and an unforgiving attitude to put a wedge between my once healed and restored relationship with the man I once wished dead because of all the emotional pain and turmoil he singlehandedly had put me through. I am relieving my childhood, it seems, yet again.
As I fight for my life and not allow this cancer to consume me, I am faced with another battle - the battle to forgive and let go. I am failing miserably on both fronts. The cancer has not only reappeared but now threatens to do it's worst. At least this is the constant threat and fear I seem to be under ever since Dr. Nash announced to me how he wanted to rip out more than just my colon. There is no use in denying what I daily dread. And as the pain intensifies in my body, now I must deal with the emotional pain and trauma my father has brought about by taking on his brother-in-law's wife as his mistress.
I keep hoping and praying he will come to his senses and turn from his wicked ways. Instead, he continues to perpetuate lies of betrayal and denial, never stopping to realize how much he is affecting his whole family. As the "head" of this family he is dragging us all into a pit along with him and he doesn't seem to care or think his shameful actions matter or have any bearing on us as a family.
As for my mother, she continues to deceive herself and believe the affair is over and done with. That is until Dad gets sloppy in covering his tracks and mom finds out he wasn't where he said he was. Forty years she has put up with this. Forty years she has somehow managed to do what I am desperately trying to do now: forgive and forget. She must have her reasons for staying in such a dishonorable marriage (deep down I do believe she genuinely loves him) but it is taking its toll on me and my siblings. I can't speak for my sisters and tell you how they are coping but I can only say that "me" the only professing "born-again christian" en la familia, it is not fairing so well. My sisters can hate if they want and harbor unforgiveness if they so chose to but I on the other hand am strictly governed by the principle that in order to be forgiven I too must forgive. Fair enough, right? Don't get me wrong, I love my parents and I want to honor them, not to mention enjoy a stable, loving, and intimate relationship with them. I want to look in my father's eyes and not be ashamed or disgusted but he is not making it easy for me. I want to wake up and know without a doubt this charade is finally over. But it seems far from over, leaving me in the predicament I find myself in.
I need to overcome. I need to forgive. I need to move on but the dysfunctions of the family I was born into are proving to be as tenacious and as unyielding as the physical cancer I am currently faced with.I keep crying out to God for mercy over judgment. I do not want to judge the old man or anyone else for that matter because I want to have ample mercy granted to me. I cannot receive mercy if I cannot give mercy.
..."Father, forgive our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."
Plain and simple, I must forgive in order to be forgiven. Yet I am finding it hard to do every time I think of the hurt and pain I see in my mother's hazel eyes. My heart breaks for her and I wish to God I could carry her pain and take it all away. But I am not a savior and I cannot do what I was never intended to do. I can't save anyone. Can't even save myself which is why I am in need of a constant and faithful Savior outside of myself. Yes, I need Jesus more now than ever. I need to have him carry this shame I feel weighing me down. I need him to set me free from unforgiveness. I need him to come and redeem me as I lay here and cry out. I need to focus on taking care of myself and beating this cancer.
Lord Jesus, I know you are able to do more than I can possibly ask or imagine according to the power that is at work within me. Holy Spirit come and shield me and release your power. I need you now more than ever. I have always needed you. I will always need you. Now more than ever! Give me faith to believe it will all work out for my good. Amen.
Dear Lord,
ReplyDeletePlease manifest Yourself strongly in Idilio's life. You know he is able to do and not do in this situation but You Lord, are willing and able to do all things in and through Idilio. Bless his life, his body, his emotions, his very being. You made him to be an overcomer, and though his emotions are on a rampage (and for good reason), Your emotions are not Lord. And you dwell MIGHTLY in Idilio, in spite of what He feels. I call forth Your might Lord, and Your strength, and Your LOVE, to Him even now, in his room where he lays. Bless Him with everything YOU KNOW he needs dear Saviour, Lover, and Lord. In the name of Jesus. Amen
Oh Dear Lord showers of your mercy and grace for my brother, Idilio. Such an outpouring of love has been bestowed upon him. Lord you are the great Physician and we ask for complete healing. In your precious and glorious name do I pray knowing that with you ALL things are possible. Amen!
ReplyDeleteMy dear Idilio, I am so sorry you are suffering with the pain of your father's choices. I wonder if any of us would do any better outside of Christ and unfortunely your papi is outside of Christ. I ask that God will bring more healing to your soul and that your father will find his fulfillment in God rather than from illicit relationships. I love you. Karyl
ReplyDelete