Facebook and the Rivera Family Curse

It all started with the idea of how cool it would be for dad to have access to the world wide web. I was in the process of purchasing a new Macintosh laptop and thought to myself who else but my dad would benefit from inheriting my slow as molasses ibook4. He wouldn't need it for much anyway. My sister Cindy and I knew already how much he enjoyed playing games on the desktop computer we had jointly purchased for the family a few Christmas' ago. Out of the three: my Dad, mom, and younger sister Erika, it seemed Dad was the only one who would even bother to tinker with the clunky emachine . Or so we thought. This was not completely true since it was Erika who after going into enough porn sites allowed for a virus to infect the computer and render it useless. That's right, your eyes are not deceiving you when you read the word "porn" here. My sister who is developmentally delayed and mentally challenged since birth appears to have been cursed right along with the rest of us in that she was addicted to pornography. She had somehow learned to google words which led her to XXX sites. Cindy told me one day how she had turned on the computer and was assaulted by graphic sexual images and advertisements. We immediately thought it was dear old Dad but since the images that were left behind were of naked men, it was quickly figured out that our dear "innocent" sister Erika was busy feasting her eyes on the images of naked men.  Either that or Dad had turned gay on us. Not!


Erika was confronted with this embarrassing revelation and she denied it, putting the blame on my niece. Little did Erika know that we were able to look into the computer's history and pinpoint what sites had been visited and when. Erika is not savvy enough to cover her tracks since as I mentioned to you earlier she is slow and does not function at the level of her peers. Cindy and I found it quite interesting how someone with developmental delays and challenges was still able to indulge in what we considered "adult" type activities. This just went to prove in my mind that Erika had also been sexually abused as a child. None of us had escaped the clutches of child molesters; not even the youngest of the three who had grown up with such mental challenges. I could go on and on here about this sensitive subject matter since it has touched every one in my household and caused lifelong damage and trauma. Some day I will talk about generational curses in more detail but right now I need to get back on track with what I am purposely writing about.


Looking back, I regret a thousand times over ever having passed on the ibook to my Dad. Even more so, I wish I had never opened a Facebook account for him. I should have just left him in the dark ages. I blame myself for what has transpired and I continually struggle with forgiving myself on the matter. I only wanted my father and I to enjoy more forms of communication with each other. I had imagined how fun it would be to chat and leave messages for my Dad on Facebook and vice versa. I remember being super excited about opening the account for him and introducing him to the world I had myself become engrossed in. Facebook revolutionized my life. It has single-handedly impacted my day-to-day activities and how I choose to communicate with people. Now I see how Facebook has also cursed my family and become a tool of destruction. Allow me to explain...


It started innocently enough. Little by little my Dad found others on Facebook he had not been in contact with for years. This is one of the awesome things about Facebook, how it keeps you connected with people  who otherwise you might never be in touch with ever again. He found childhood acquaintances through facebook. He was able to befriend old neighbors from his hometown, as well as long lost relatives in Puerto Rico. He had his close family too (Cindy and I) in his growing list of friends. I was so proud of the old man for taking this medium and running with it. 

Tragically, Dad also gained knowledge and access to individuals who like himself  found Facebook useful for flirting. My dad being the quintessential flirt that he has always been immediately fell into looking for friendships that would feed that part of him which needed to sexually express itself. IN enters Ms. Wanda Torres. What a dreadful day that was for all of us! Wanda Torres, or "Titi" (Auntie) Wanda as I have always known and called her by was also on Facebook. Innocently enough, my dad and Wanda began to chat with one another whenever they had the chance. I didn't think much of it until I started receiving messages from Wanda. We'd been friends on Facebook for quite some time but we never bothered to exchange words with one another. You know how you just have certain people on your list but never ever have the urge or need to reach out to? Well, Titi Wanda was one of them. She was the wife of my maternal uncle who lives in the neighboring town of Massachusetts where everyone in my family has over the last two decades migrated to. My parents, siblings, cousins, Aunts, Uncles, and the last remaining grandparent all live in the State of Massachusetts. They have made the western part of the state their home and everyone seems happy to live there. I was the only hold out. I tried it for a couple of months years ago and literally found myself on the verge of suicide. I kid you not. I attempted to live there yet again last year when I was undergoing my cancer recovery but that also fell through once I was healthy enough to pick up where I had left off. 


So as I was saying, Wanda starts sending me these mushy sentimental messages about how much she loves me and wants to be there for me, blah, blah, blah. And then one day she sens the message which gave her and my dad away..."I love you like a mother loves her son". Huh? Mother? Loves a son? Um, thanks but I already have a mother. Anyway, this one little message coupled with other signs I was observing told me something was not quite kosher between her and my Dad. I would visit her page, as well as my Dad's page and started to find lots of messages and interactions between the two. So much so, that I remember mentioning to Cindy that I was starting to suspect there was more than just a friendship between the two. It was around this time when it was undeniably confirmed to me through some explicit correspondence between she and my Dad which I had access to. It was official: My Father was having an affair with his brother-in-law's wife!!!


As all things which are hidden in the dark, eventually become exposed to the light. The whole affair was discovered by my Uncle who had begun to have his own suspicions and started to follow my Aunt around. Sure enough Wanda and my Dad had agreed to rendezvous at the Mall and then head over to the motel. My uncle followed them and my Aunt realizing she was being followed and by whom made a quick detour to her nearby Pentecostal Church. When approached by my uncle, Wanda used the alibi that she was counseling and comforting (for sure) my poor Dad who was going through emotional distress at my recent hospitalization and recurrence of cancer. She wanted my uncle to believe she was driving my dad to see the Pastor for prayer and counseling. Yeah right!


After months of secrecy and meeting up for sexual romps at the Super 8 Motel, the truth had been discovered. My uncle immediately called my mother to tell her and my sister Cindy who had just hours before caught wind of the affair and was now on a rampage to publicly expose Wanda to her church and to the facebook community. Of course, my Dad, as is his typical approach to such matters, denied the affair from beginning to end. To this day he still denies it which comes as no surprise to me since this is the same man who took me aside one day during my youth and gave me the worst advice ever, advice he obviously lives by and gives to other men..." Never, ever, admit to sexual indiscretions or extramarital affairs, even if caught red-handed". 


I was sick and hospitalized when all this imploded and blew up. I have kept silent about it until now. I have suffered alone. I have watched my mother well up with tears as she tells of the latest drama or incident relating to the affair. I have heard her say countless times how she is done and will leave my Dad but we all know after forty years of unfaithful marriage and affairs, she does not have the will-power or courage to do so. My heart breaks for her...it literally breaks for her and what she is going through, yet again. As a son I would want nothing more than to take her pain and carry it for her as I know she wishes she could do the same for me. The only advice I have been able to give her is to go see a counselor, to seek professional help because she is going through a great deal of pain right now. Sadly, she feels she can come to me and vent but I need to remain neutral in the matter. I cannot take sides. I refuse to do so. As much as I want to confront my father I know it will only make matters worse since he is in denial and refuses to admit to the truth. 


I am struggling with my own emotional upheaval. Emotions I need to grapple with and bring under constant control of my Christian principles. I have to continue to forgive, even if I cannot forget. The truth is my Dad's affairs, past and present,  have left me traumatized and forever affected. I attribute my life long struggle with fidelity and believing in the sanctity of marriage to this very thing: my father's countless affairs. I never had anyone model for me what it is like to be faithful to one partner and to honor one's vows. My grandfathers were guilty of it. My father definitely is guilty of it and God knows I never knew what it was like to have a monogamous relationship. I cheated on all my boyfriends and denied it to the end too. Like father, like son. 


I have been advised not to write about this...to just let family skeletons hidden in the closet and go on with my life. I can't. Writing about it helps me make sense of what is going inside me. Exposing my father's sins serves me in helping to understand my own struggle with sin. I do not write to shame anyone. I may be completely wrong in thinking that when my dad finds out about this he will go on as if nothing ever happened. My family loves to pretend that the bull is not loose in the shop, even if everything around us shatters to millions of pieces. No more. I'm sincerely hoping my dad does confront me about this blog so I can call him to repentance and ask him questions he alone as my father will ever be able to answer. I want to understand him, not judge or condemn him. I'm also desirous to know what he intends to do about it all. Is he going to finally leave mom and go runaway with my Aunt? Is he going to put an end to the affair and do his best to mend his irreparably broken marriage? Will he ever see the wrong he has committed? Or will the Rivera family be doomed to keep repeating the same sins of our ancestors? God knows I may not be around long enough to break this generational curse. Then who? Who will save us and set our relationships and marriages free. 




Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.