Everything in me breathes and believes in a Mighty, Mighty God who is still in the business of setting people free. There is no doubt in my mind God is more than able to heal and deliver. My God specializes in matters of life and Resurrection.
Even when I spent and wasted my earthly inheritance during my years of rebellion and depravity, a part of me still knew He was able. I'd spent my youth in His House beholding his power and being a witness to His awesome might. I was there when Zuleika's left leg miraculously before my very eyes grew out to meet her right leg and the limp she came in with would never be seen again. I was present when Mildred's body which had been riddled with tumors suddenly sprung out of bed healed and restored to perfect health. Yes, I was there also when fevers and diseases responded to the name of Jesus and fled. Hence, even when I turned my back and reneged my covenant to follow Him, I still knew better. Is it any wonder that after three and a half hard years of running away I finally came to my senses and came back home? I have not regretted it since and now live every day grateful to be back in the arms of my father. The anger and venom that once possessed me, now finally defeated. The doubts I once held as truth that he did not love me now replaced with a constant assurance that I am forever and unconditionally accepted. Heaven and salvation no longer just fire insurance but now a blessed reassurance.
Life could not be better... that is until this latest Goliath called Cancer now threatens to cut my days short.
The reoccurring tumor continues to grow exponentially and seems not to be responding to treatment or to the countless prayers coming against it. My surgeon now joined by the Urologist have tag teamed against me (it seems) and are bent on putting me under the knife. Along with the tumor they feel my colon, rectum, pelvic bone, bladder, penis and testicles must be removed also. Too much to take in and handle right now. I simply do not want to undergo such an extensive and invasive surgery which still does not guarantee me I will be able to enjoy a fraction of the independence and mobility I was until recently used to. Imagine a life confined to a bed?
Plain and simple, if the God of the Angel Armies does not intervene, I might as well prepare myself and others for my departure. Every journey has a starting point and the end for some, comes much sooner than we'd all like to accept. I'm okay with longevity on earth as well as eternity on the streets that are golden. For me, my friend, it is a win-win situation.
I know the thought of me dying will be harder for some than it will be for others since we all have varying degrees of grief and separation. Death is a process I do not want to ignore or neglect until it is too late. I want to be ready. My heart is to likewise help those around me be just as prepared. I guess that is why I am writing about it now and have begun dialogue with loved ones.
I'm not giving up by any means. I am holding in tension both my faith in a Healer as well as the possibility this may be my time to go home. This is yet to be determined which is why I hold both in my heart and hope for the best. And the best is not what I or anyone else says should be but what God who pre-destined my days says will be.
Even when I spent and wasted my earthly inheritance during my years of rebellion and depravity, a part of me still knew He was able. I'd spent my youth in His House beholding his power and being a witness to His awesome might. I was there when Zuleika's left leg miraculously before my very eyes grew out to meet her right leg and the limp she came in with would never be seen again. I was present when Mildred's body which had been riddled with tumors suddenly sprung out of bed healed and restored to perfect health. Yes, I was there also when fevers and diseases responded to the name of Jesus and fled. Hence, even when I turned my back and reneged my covenant to follow Him, I still knew better. Is it any wonder that after three and a half hard years of running away I finally came to my senses and came back home? I have not regretted it since and now live every day grateful to be back in the arms of my father. The anger and venom that once possessed me, now finally defeated. The doubts I once held as truth that he did not love me now replaced with a constant assurance that I am forever and unconditionally accepted. Heaven and salvation no longer just fire insurance but now a blessed reassurance.
Life could not be better... that is until this latest Goliath called Cancer now threatens to cut my days short.
The reoccurring tumor continues to grow exponentially and seems not to be responding to treatment or to the countless prayers coming against it. My surgeon now joined by the Urologist have tag teamed against me (it seems) and are bent on putting me under the knife. Along with the tumor they feel my colon, rectum, pelvic bone, bladder, penis and testicles must be removed also. Too much to take in and handle right now. I simply do not want to undergo such an extensive and invasive surgery which still does not guarantee me I will be able to enjoy a fraction of the independence and mobility I was until recently used to. Imagine a life confined to a bed?
Plain and simple, if the God of the Angel Armies does not intervene, I might as well prepare myself and others for my departure. Every journey has a starting point and the end for some, comes much sooner than we'd all like to accept. I'm okay with longevity on earth as well as eternity on the streets that are golden. For me, my friend, it is a win-win situation.
I know the thought of me dying will be harder for some than it will be for others since we all have varying degrees of grief and separation. Death is a process I do not want to ignore or neglect until it is too late. I want to be ready. My heart is to likewise help those around me be just as prepared. I guess that is why I am writing about it now and have begun dialogue with loved ones.
I'm not giving up by any means. I am holding in tension both my faith in a Healer as well as the possibility this may be my time to go home. This is yet to be determined which is why I hold both in my heart and hope for the best. And the best is not what I or anyone else says should be but what God who pre-destined my days says will be.
Idilio, there is so much in this post that my soul just said a deep and profound AMEN to... that I can't even begin to comment. Thank you for allowing us a glimpse into your life-the good, the bad and the ugly. I so admire you.
ReplyDeleteAmen, my brother. I am so proud of you for holding both the probability of death and the possibility of wholeness in your heart and mind. I am proud of you for preparing for death while at the same time believing God is more than able to raise you up. Surrending to a good and gracious God and in essance saying "Do with me as You will". Love, Karyl
ReplyDeleteWow! What an INCREDIBLE MAN OF FAITH you are. I, along with you, am praying for a miracle. But you have also reminded me of the great truth that to be absent from the body is to be present with with the Lord. We're holding on for healing on this earth until God says different. But you've encouraged me that your faith in God is strong no matter the outcome. Be strong, my friend. - Kelvin
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