"...Por favor, habla de otra cosa plees!" she will demand. End of conversation.
The reason why I bring this up is simply because yesterday was an excruciatingly painful day. It seemed that the slightest movement caused me such agony and at times torment that I must confess to you I found myself at one point drenched in tears, verbally crying out to God for mercy. I hate when it gets to this stage. I hate it because after the pain does subside and is brought under control, I feel like such a coward. I know I have every right to feel the way I do and crying out for relief is the obvious thing to do but it messes with me for some reason. Those vulnerable moments of physical agony later make me wonder and question my ability to persevere. Maybe I'm just being too hard on myself but I can't help but feel like such a "punk" for not taking it like a man and holding it in. I recognize this as vestiges of my own dysfunction growing up with a chauvinistic father and from countless reinforcements from a mother who always reminded me "Boys don't cry!" or "stop crying or I'll give you something to cry about!" and my favorite and most hurtful comment hurled my way..."there you go again, crying. I swear you should have been born the girl and not your sister! Shut up, Magdalena!"
Thank God I can sit here and no longer be adversely affected by such hurtful and ignorant comments.
Along with great physical pain come moments of mental escape where I allow myself the luxury of thinking about the finality of this earthly existence. It soothes my pain to envision my final moments here on Earth. I'll let you in into my creative imagination and briefly describe to you what I think those final moments will look like to me. I'm curious to know if anyone else has ever daydreamed about this. If so, please share and let me know because that way I will not feel like such an oddball.
When death finally comes I envision myself lying in bed, oblivious to the presence of mortals but keenly aware and in tune with the increasing presence of angels. One by one, they start to fill the room with their warm soft light, each one serving the purpose of helping my spirit and soul to finally let go. Angelic beings start to fill the room as the light increases in the room and my ability to rise up and out of my body takes hold. But I do not fully do so until at last the head guardian angel assigned to me in life enters the room and without uttering a word reaches out to take hold of my hand. This the final signal to my mortal body that it is allowed to give up my spirit. Once and for all, I breathe my last breath and am finally free and ready for eternity with my Jesus. The rest is a mystery to me. Will I be able to stick around and watch my loved ones lay my remains to rest (or scatter in my case)? Will I immediately meet dearly departed relatives and friends? Will I literally have to go towards the light in the tunnel scenario? Or will I be immediately transported into the Heavenly Courts? Quien sabe...who knows? But I'm longing to find out.
I am hoping my wish to be cremated will be honored and I will not have to be physically put in the ground. More importantly, I hope and pray there will not be a viewing of my remains. I'm just too vain and would hate for anyone's last memory or sight of me to be something completely misrepresenting of what I was like when vivo.
Morbid? Not at all. Death is a natural progression of things and whether I live another ten, twenty, or fifty years, the moment will finally arrive some day. It is true what they say, death is the one true equalizer. When I am wracked in pain and agony, can you blame me for wanting to escape? I still don't know why I've been allowed to experience the ravages of cancer when it doesn't even run in my family but hey, I believe with all my heart that I will be rewarded for every second of pain I will have to endure here on this Earth. God is fair and just. I can handle this as long as I keep things in perspective and realize how temporal and brief this all is in comparison to what lies ahead. Earth is temporal, Heaven is eternal. So when you ask where I get my strength to endure, it comes from knowing what I have shared with you here. Godless men in the Book of Revelations Chapter 16: 4-11 refused to repent and glorify God because of the searing pain they were subjected to. To me it is obvious they did not know the person of Jesus as I have come to know him and sadly, tragically allowed their temporal pain to blind them of the opportunity to glorify God. May this never be said of me...ever! No matter how bad it gets. And believe me, I have a feeling its going to get much worse before I can finally experience the better.
Are you afraid of death? Do you know what to do in order to be set free of such fear? Can you trust God even when things seem to be going against you and your every cry for relief seems to go unanswered?
"The third angel poured out his bowl on the rivers and springs of water, and they became blood. 5Then I heard the angel in charge of the waters say:
"You are just in these judgments,
you who are and who were, the Holy One,
because you have so judged;
6for they have shed the blood of your saints and prophets,
and you have given them blood to drink as they deserve."
"You are just in these judgments,
you who are and who were, the Holy One,
because you have so judged;
6for they have shed the blood of your saints and prophets,
and you have given them blood to drink as they deserve."
7And I heard the altar respond:
"Yes, Lord God Almighty,
true and just are your judgments."
"Yes, Lord God Almighty,
true and just are your judgments."
8The fourth angel poured out his bowl on the sun, and the sun was given power to scorch people with fire. 9They were seared by the intense heat and they cursed the name of God, who had control over these plagues, but they refused to repent and glorify him.
10The fifth angel poured out his bowl on the throne of the beast, and his kingdom was plunged into darkness. Men gnawed their tongues in agony 11and cursed the God of heaven because of their pains and their sores, but they refused to repent of what they had done."
Revelations 16:4-11
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Am I afraid of death? I would have to say, Yes. I still feel so far from God and am not so confident that He would welcome me with open arms. I hope by the time I do die I will be confident of my Lord's affection for me. I also have trouble feeling forgiven and cleansed especially when I keep committing the same sins over and over. I do not feel set free by Christianity. I feel imprisoned. I am quite sure this is not how Christianity is supposed to be lived out but I can't quite seem to get a handle on it. I too have been finding myself crying out to God lately from mental anguish rather than physical. May God have mercy. Christ have mercy. KB
ReplyDeleteDear KB
ReplyDeletewhen reading your comment - the thing that struck me is that you mention "I do not feel set free by Christianity" and you're correct it can't set you free - only a personal relationship w/Jesus can - so many times we get caught up with living up to "church's standards" and mostly all that does is keep us farther away from Christ - but aside your religious beliefs in the "church" and read God's word usually the Psalms are good place to start - to hear the Lord speak directly to your heart - and let a friend or two keep you in prayer and encourage you during this process it works if you let it - He desires for you to know Him more - I will pray for you today KB - You are surely loved : ) SC
As for Death - well my brother I am much like you not afraid of it and at times long for it - I long to see Him face to face - I know He has His purposes for me hear on earth but I am surely not of this world and my heart longs to go "Home"
ReplyDeleteI envision my departure like a movie - slipping out of my body as I look around the room and smile at those I leave behind knowing that I will miss them but will see them again some day - I don't see myself flying away or angels coming - I simply see an empty street with a traffic light on the green light and as I walk down the middle of it - I see Jesus waiting to meet me - He knows that I've wanted to see Him so much in this life that He takes me by the hand and we continue walking until we final disappear and then the scene ends with cars overtake the street and life is as normal again
It amazes me how people - especially Christians set up camp here on earth (when we are the true "aliens" in the land) acquiring so much "stuff" as if you can take it with you or even make you content here - I pray that many will come to those deep places with God through Your affliction Idilio - no man is an island and so many are effected by what you are going through - I hope many "wake up" to what God is speaking to their hearts - may your pain not be in vain
Love you so much : )
Dear KB,
ReplyDeleteI do not know you but you seem to be plagued by guilt and find that Jesus' passion, death and resurrection not sufficient for you. Your pastor might not be giving you Jesus and his cross for you, even a christian. You might not feel the 'victorious christian life'.
However,"The saying is trustworthy and deserving of full acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the foremost" (1 Tim 1:15) Paul considered himself even as a christian, the chief of sinners. The more mature you are the more aware of your sinfullness you become and the more of Jesus and his forgiveness you need.
Jesus is still saying to you: "Take heart my son, your sins are forgiven". You are "freely justified as a gift by the redemption that is in Christ Jesus". In Jesus you have "redemption, the forgiveness of your sins", while we were yet sinners he died for you. You've been united with Him in baptism in which you were buried with him in order that just as He was raised for the dead, you might walk in newness of life. "For in Christ Jesus you are all sons of God through faith, for as many as were baptized into Christ have put on Christ". "And because of him you are in Christ Jesus, who became to us wisdom from God, righteousness and sanctification and redemption, so that, as it is written, "Let the one who boasts, boast in the Lord.""
Dear Idilio:
ReplyDeleteThe Lord's grace is suficient in your struggle. I pray for you on a daily basis for recovery and comfort in these painful times.
I do want you to consider what this article says on christians and cremation: http://bit.ly/9evo9Z. Having in mind that cremation is ἀδιάφορα:adiaphoron (neither forbidden nor commanded).
May the grace of the Lord Jesus Christ, and the love of God, and the fellowship of the Holy Spirit be with you.
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ReplyDeleteDear Idilio,
ReplyDeleteThank you for your transparency in speaking from your heart. I'm sorry that your Mom can't speak with you about death.
You are not a coward. I pray that the Lord will take away the power of those negative tapes playing in your mind. You are probably the most courageous and inspirational person I know. I am thankful to you and for you. You are teaching me to face fear while I am experiencing it in other areas as well.
I am not afraid of death because I know I am going to Jesus. That's really the only reason I am not afraid. I am also not reluctant to speak about death. I don't believe that doing so shows a lack of faith.
I love your vision of leaving this life. I love the fact that you are oblivious to the people around you. When I think about my death, I see myself being very aware of the people around me; concerned about them. I wish this wasn't so. What I can imagine about the actual passing from death into Life is that it will be beautiful whatever it will look like.
Idilio, I love you so much!
Baayork
Idilio-I do not have the gift of an active imagination like you, but I have often thought about death (not to be morbid, but because it is reality!) and have come to a place where I am in total acceptance of it. Life is a gift. And I believe death can also be a gift. I wonder, though, if I would still feel the same way if I am actually facing death in the eye, as you are at this present moment. To be able to confront death as you are right now and long for heaven takes incredible courage. I have been so appreciating your frank approach to life via these blogs. Thank you for continuing to share your life with us through these pages.
ReplyDelete