I wonder if my physical drowsiness and constant sleep is a sign or reflection of my spiritual condition? Is someone above trying to get my attention about something? Can't help but wonder right about now if my lamp is full, empty, or neither. I'd like to say it is full but how can I gauge whether I am being truthful or not. I've realized how much of a propensity I have to say things to myself which will make me feel good about myself. Sometimes I think I have taken all the emotional lessons learned during my seeking professional counseling days too far. It's one thing to speak and affirm positive declarations to yourself but it is something all together detrimental to do so when we are flat out lying to ourselves. To say I am healed while I am still very much ill would be one thing but it would be another thing to say "I am healed" and walk away from receiving any further treatment. Foolishness. Take it from me, I learned my lesson well in regard to this.
I have spent the bulk of my life dealing with depression. I have been certifiably diagnosed as having "major-depressive disorder". I used to think and had mistakenly diagnosed myself as being bi-polar. It was during my three month stint at the Elmhurst Hospital Psych. Ward, back in 2002, where I was finally made to understand what type of depression I was being afflicted by. I always look back at this time period as a turning point and significant milestone in my life. I was finally ready, willing, and able to deal with my issues. Instead of running from them or worse, draping myself with some spitiual mumbo jumbo declaration about being healed when I really wasn't. I am all for declaring and having faith and confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see (Hebrews 11:1) but I will never get to where I need to be if I don't do what is required of me. In order to overcome depression it required more than just speaking God's truth (a must) and renewing my mind (imperative) but I also had to take the extra step and commit to faithfully working stuff out with a professional counselor(s). Part of that also called for popping anti-depressants on a daily basis. Looking back, it all seemed so easy but in reality the work unto emotional health was ugly and at times down-right frightening. There were times I actually thought that facing the facts would literally crush me and kill me. Thankfully, Holy Spirit was there every step of the way to grant me breakthrough and ultimate victory. Did I mention how every time I weaned myself or abruptly stopped taking my medication, within two weeks I was downright suicidal, ready to take my life at a moment's notice? Again, Jesus had to lead me gently by the hand and convince me how important and necessary it was to adhere to a daily regimen of anti-depressants. Once I was finally able to understand and identify religious people's well meaning but damaging advice about "claiming my complete healing and walking away cold turkey from any and all medications" as harmful to me, then was I able to experience the equilibrium and mental clarity necessary to move into wholeness. I have become a staunch supporter of those who marry their faith with the gift of science granted from above in order to achieve healing. Some people don't agree with this but I have found it works in my life just fine. I am looking forward to the day when God's power breaks out in such a way that "supernatural" healing will be the norm and not the exception. I am counting on being there in the flesh to serve as a living witness, as a sign and a wonder to God's restorative healing power. Until then, you better believe I am going to adhere to my daily regimen of Wellbutrin, Sustiva, Valtrex, Tricor, Onandasetron, MS Contin, Hydromorphone, etc. and whatever other pill is prescribed to me in order to prolong my life and keep this temple breathing, loving, and laughing among the living.
"The kingdom suffers violence and the violent take it by force". I may be wrong in my personal interpretation of this scripture and that is okay since I believe this revelation was given to me by God so that I might understand the season I am living in. It clearly speaks to me that if I am going to be healed and be set free from the ravages of cancer, well, I am going to have to fight for it....with violence if necessary. I received the news today that my cancer has spread to my pelvic bone region. I'm reading up on the whole metastatic bone cancer thing as I write this. Trying to figure out what I need to do. How do I incorporate my faith with natural methods of healing? I have been bombarded lately with suggestions and possible solutions but ultimately it rests in my hands what I am to do.
I refuse to accept that this is how God wants to call me home. Cancer will have no part in my life. I am not going out this way! Forget about all the things yet to be accomplished and fulfilled, I cannot manipulate God to do as I say. If it were so, He would not be God or at least not a God worth giving your life wholeheartedly to. I will keep reminding Him of His word which does not return back void but I will keep believing in faith that He is for me and not against me...that if we being mortals know how to give our children good gifts how much more will my Heavenly Father grant me above and beyond what "we" are asking Him for.
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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