I haven't written in quite some time. I was hoping to make this blogging thingy a daily part of life but like everything else, I just don't have enough hours in the day to dedicate to it. Besides, not much going on these days. Life is good but the excitement and passion needed in order to write has taken a backseat to this daily battle with physical pain.
Doctor prescribed Vicodin and some other pill to ease the inflammation. I am experiencing a great deal of pain when using the bathroom. Both number one and two are uncomfortable, to say the least. You just don't know and realize what a beautiful thing the body is when it is functioning as it should but when something goes haywire you notice the difference immediately. For the most part, I'm doing a pretty good job at managing this pain and working through it. I have to. I don't have the luxury to lay around and rest until I am one hundred percent well. Bills need to be paid and responsibilities looked after. Feel me? I'm sure you do. In short, I am determined to press through this pain and make it to the other side of wellness. Thankful to finally learn that this physical body, although decaying and wasting away outwardly, is a temple which needs to be looked after as best as possible. Out of all this I really do miss going to the gym since it not only kept me in good physical shape but aided in my psychological and mental well-being. I'm sure once I am feeling back up to it I will be back on a treadmill and this extra weight finally be put away.
I am slowly adjusting to my new job. The daily commute is becoming more familiar as well as the neighborhood I once disliked. Funny how enough time spent in a place no matter how depressed and forlorn will with time grow on you. The shuttered storefronts no longer bother me. The uneven cracks in the sidewalk no longer make me feel uneven but I am seeing it for what it is. Even the empty lots dotting the neighborhood no longer call out to me with sadness. I've learned to accept them and no longer see nature growing wild within its confines as an intrusion in this concrete paradise I call home. As for the people in the area, I wish there was more multiculturalism present but that too I am slowly accepting and embracing. I can't hope but wish and daydream some days as I stand on the curb puffing on a cigarette what this area of the season may look like in the age to come. Nature no longer confined to the parameters of rubble and burned down ruins; now growing lush and verdant with vibrant colors. The housing projects on the corner of Ralph Avenue no longer there, now inhabited by beautiful buildings worthy of its inhabitants. I can't wait for that day...a world without poverty and neglect.
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Wednesday, May 26, 2010
Thursday, May 13, 2010
I need My MERCY Ruler
Time and time again I find myself forgetting and having to go back to the basics of my faith. Sad but true. I am deeply forgetful and flawed to the core. If left up to me I would have completely destroyed my life and everything around me. I have a way with words and actions that only tend to produce death most of the time if it weren't for God's intervention. And intervene he does! He is tireless. Always stepping in to redirect and re-align my footsteps. But how He does it is what amazes me! He is so kind and gentle, even in his rebukes.
I have a tendency to let offense latch on to me and drag me down with it. If I am not careful I can become quite bitter and nasty in a moment's notice. Granted I have gotten better at it with age. I don't explode with rage and vengefulness as I used to (thank God) but I still have it in me to hold stuff against people and things I feel have hurt me in some way. I guess this has a lot to do with, as usual, my childhood trauma of never feeling protected or cared for. You all know my story. I pretty much had to fend for myself and this in itself produced a mistrustful adult who took everything around him personally and was ready to attack at a moment's notice. Well, I am trying so hard to leave that old self where it belongs; buried in the past. The meek shall inherit the Earth and by God's grace I want a piece of the action in the new world to come!
Choosing what I term "voluntary weakness" is no easy thing in a world that constantly tells you that weakness is for "pussies" and only the strong survive. This world is brimming over with the message of you got to take what you want and make "it" (whatever that may be) happen. I even see it in the Church, the last place where it should be seen but we all know the condition "we" are in nowadays. Wordly values and views are so deeply enmeshed in the Churh that you no longer can tell the difference between the two. Revelations 13: 7 comes to mind: "He (satan) was given power to make war against the saints and to conquer them." But I digress. The reason I write today is to grapple with my flesh and to once again crucify my selfish desires for the sake of others while extending mercy as much as I am able to. Mercy. Mercy. Mercy. I need mercy!
I lost my train of thought. Oh well, I need to take a walk around the block and gather myself because right about now I feel all disjointed and out of place. I seriously need to get over the fact that I am never going to be perfect and have it all together. For whatever the reason it more than bothers me...it infuriates me. I get all worked up at the thought of failure and shortcomings. Maybe it has to do with my man-plasing tendencies rising back to the surface. Or maybe it has to do with the realization that I am powerless to change certain things in my life no matter how much I want to. Or... too may too mention right now. I need to get back to that place of grace and mercy where I can sit at the feet of Love and hear HIS heartbeat for me. I need to be reminded once again that I may be "dark" and "weathered" but yet HE calls me lovely! HIS heart and affections for me and towards me are still as strong and as true as when I am feeling at my best. His Love is eternal and unchanging.
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Pain, Pain, Go Away!
Well here I am about to cross the Jordan River of my emotions once again. It amazes me how after thirty-nine years of knowing what my emotions produce and how deceitful my heart can be, I still struggle in this area of my life. I should have this down by now. I should be able to look at myself and speak with authority at my feelings: " Simmer down, buddy. This too shall pass. You are getting worked about and anxious over nothing". Yes, I should be a pro at speaking the truth to these emotions that run like deep currents within me and threaten to come crashing down on my stability and peace. I swear to you, sometimes I just want nothing more than to bang my head against the hardest wall in the hope of finally getting "it".
I know I am being too hard on myself. Grace...grace and more grace, my dear Idilio. You can do nothing but by the grace given to you. And I know I have been given a generous portion of it. Time and time again I find myself at the end of my rope only to realize for the millionth time that God's grace is sufficient in my weakness. Sufficient, I tell you. More than enough. Grace always meets me where I am and covers my nakedness. My problem is this: I want desperately to overcome sin in my life. That's it right there. I want to be perfect, I guess. I don't want to have to deal with my sinfulness and the encroaching darkness of my fallen nature. More to the point, I hate having to repent over the same thing over and over again. Mind you, I know that I know (from first-hand experience) I have a mediator and a friend who sits at the right hand of the Father who lives to intercede for me. He never grows weary or tired of extending his scepter over me and covering me with his forgiveness. I honestly can write volumes on the subject of God's mercy and forgiveness. He has never failed me. Always forgiving. Always gentle in dealing with me. Always patient, waiting for me to come and receive from His hand what no one else is able to give or provide. I guess this is the reason why I love him so much. He who has been forgiven much, loves much and I have been forgiven enough times and deeply enough to cause me to respond with everything I have in me. I do not love Jesus for what I think He is or has done for me but for what I have experienced first-hand. When true forgiveness touches your life and you allow it to permeate even the darkest places of your soul, you will have no other response but to fall at his feet and passionately wash them with your tears. Tears of gratitude and appreciation of which I have shed a river.
I know that He knows this about me and have no doubt that my repentance when it finally sinks in, is genuine and heartfelt. So it is not the fact that I have to repent and turn from whatever it is that is causing distance between me and my Savior; it is the frustration and disappointment that I would after repenting, fall into the same sin again. With all my heart I do not want to do anything that I know or better yet has been already dealt within me. I want no distnce bewteen us. I can't afford to hang out in the Outer Courts until I get my act together. I want to press in and enter the Holy of Holies where I can be closest to His presence. In my old age I am desirous to draw closer and be nearer but this sin keep me at bay if even for a minute and I have no more minutes to waste!
I know that He knows this about me and have no doubt that my repentance when it finally sinks in, is genuine and heartfelt. So it is not the fact that I have to repent and turn from whatever it is that is causing distance between me and my Savior; it is the frustration and disappointment that I would after repenting, fall into the same sin again. With all my heart I do not want to do anything that I know or better yet has been already dealt within me. I want no distnce bewteen us. I can't afford to hang out in the Outer Courts until I get my act together. I want to press in and enter the Holy of Holies where I can be closest to His presence. In my old age I am desirous to draw closer and be nearer but this sin keep me at bay if even for a minute and I have no more minutes to waste!
Peter, Myrna, Jose, and I have been reading the Book of Judges lately during our family devotions. We have been reading about how Israel after crying out to God for deliverance from her oppressors and turning back to God would again fall back into her old ways and forget God; following after worthless idols. Israel did this over and over again and each time God handed her over to her enemies. What a vicious cycle!
I read somewhere how Israel was compared to an adulterous wife and even a whore because of her repeated unfaithfulness to God. I feel the same way. I am just like Israel...hard-headed and stuibborn. Unfaithful. Adulterous. A tramp. Oh where is all this going? I don't know anymore. I'm so angry with myself right now, not to mention disgusted. Who will deliver me from this body...this vicious and seemingly unending cycle?
Oh Paul, how I would love to sit with you and have you break it down to me when you wrote in Romans 7: 18-24 the following ageless truth:
"I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?" (The Message)
Yes, my friend, I'm sinking in the same familiar hole again. Struggling with sin, emotions, feelings, desires, etc. but somehow trying to keep it together. But it is seeping through. I am encountering restless nights, worries, anxieties,, and fears again. I am second-guessing myself and slowly filling up with depression and anger. To think, just a month ago I was on teh mountaintop and here I am now in the sun-scorched valley. Somehow, I have to keep it together. I have a new job which I am not loving as much as I thought I would (ever since the move to this new location I have been less than thrilled with the job). I have my physical health to concentrate on right now. This constant pain in my body is signaling something is very wrong. I have been in constant pain since March! Oh well, maybe it is for the best .Maybe it's time to go home and give up this rotting piece of flesh that is only giving me pain and trouble. Oh, I don't know what I'm saying anymore. Pain makes me say the stupidest things. I just want to be free of pain, both physical and emotional. Is that too much to ask for?
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Friday, May 7, 2010
I'm Dragging My Mom to Court for Mother's Day!
Mother's Day is upon us and naturally my thoughts drift towards the woman who conceived me. It's a miracle in itself that the relationship between my mother and I has survived and is what it has become today. To God be the credit. Mind you, I have always been more lenient towards my mother in matters of forgiveness. The woman may have beat me black and blue, instilled in me some of my greatest and most unhealthiest fears and aversions, and ultimately created in me a sense of revulsion towards intimacy with the female gender but it is no secret I do love her and have always opted to look the other way when dealing with her transgressions. I guess it is true what they say "the love and bond between mother and child is inexplicably strong and almost impossible to undo".
Truth be known, I carry the deepest darkest secrets about my mother, things that she herself is not even aware I know about. I have memories about her that play in my mind but yet she, somehow has managed to surpress and forget. The woman walks enshrouded in a thick layer of denial that not even therapy in her later years has been able to undo. On a side note, I am a firm believer that people who come down with Alzheimers in their old age is in great part due to the shameful secrets that they carry from their youth. When the time of reckoning in this lifetime arrives at their doorstep and the subconscious makes every effort to cause them to finally deal with the skeletons in the closet; as a last chance effort to have the past redeemed and reconciled so they don't have to stand before God in judgement regarding whatever it is in the next life, some are not able to deal and hence the onset and consuming consequences of Alzheimers. Of course, I am not a doctor and none of this has been scientifically proven but I have a hunch I may have caught onto something here. Secrets have a way of weighing the soul down that if not dealt with ultimately drag down with it the mind and spirit of the most able-bodied persons. My prayer for my mother is that she may never have to succumb to the ravages of this disease but somehow, by the grace of God, come to a safe place where she will be able to unburden her soul of all iniquity and past deeds.
More often than not, I want to shake my mother from head to toe and force her to deal with reality. I want to violently shake her out of her stupor and yell at the top of my lungs: "Wake the hell up! Can't you see the smoke and smell the approaching fire?" At the same time I want to take her into my arms and firmly hold her and soothe her longing and irrational fears. I want to whisper as any loving son ought to: " It's okay Ma, I know you meant well. I know you didn't mean to cause so much havoc and pain. I'm okay now. I've survived the fire and come out of the blazing furnace of abuse and injustice refined and stronger because of it. I forgive you because I know you never meant me no harm even if your hands, mouth, and feet were the instruments used to inflict such a deluge of pain. I have learned that my battle is not against flesh and blood and you are flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood. My battle has always been against spiritual strongholds sent my way to steal, rob, and destroy me...us. Be set free from the shame and guilt and come out of your prison before it is too late."
That day may never come for her. With each passing day she becomes entrenched and cemented in her destructive patterns and behaviors and keeps getting farther from the truth that can set her free. She is deathly afraid of pain. Little does she realize how much of it she is already in and how much more awaits her. I want to tell her things that have helped me in my own recovery and journey to wholeness in the hope of seeing her set free but I realize unless she is willing to do the work of recovery and confront the pain deep inside her, my words will be nothing more than fuel to the fire, or worse, more wood to burn in the devastation to come.
So the best gift I can give my Mom this Mother's Day are the unrelenting and unceasing prayers of a son who knows who he can appeal to for freedom to the captive heart. While there is still breath in me I will be like the persistent widow and storm the gates of Heaven on behalf of my mother. I will cry out night and day for justice on her behalf. I will make myself known before the Righteous Judge who loves me and will hear my case. I will ask for mercy while it may yet be found.
Love covers over a multitude of sins. To my mother I say in the presence of all my readers: " I love you. I forgive you. I will pray and believe for you that redemption will draw near and kiss your pain and finally give you rest from all your troubles". I will hope for you and dream the dream of freedom for your weary soul without expecting anything in return. To see you at peace from tormenting lies and finally able to enjoy a measure of healing and joy will be my reward, all I ask in return for loving you.
Happy Mother's Day Mom. I will never stop loving you!
Truth be known, I carry the deepest darkest secrets about my mother, things that she herself is not even aware I know about. I have memories about her that play in my mind but yet she, somehow has managed to surpress and forget. The woman walks enshrouded in a thick layer of denial that not even therapy in her later years has been able to undo. On a side note, I am a firm believer that people who come down with Alzheimers in their old age is in great part due to the shameful secrets that they carry from their youth. When the time of reckoning in this lifetime arrives at their doorstep and the subconscious makes every effort to cause them to finally deal with the skeletons in the closet; as a last chance effort to have the past redeemed and reconciled so they don't have to stand before God in judgement regarding whatever it is in the next life, some are not able to deal and hence the onset and consuming consequences of Alzheimers. Of course, I am not a doctor and none of this has been scientifically proven but I have a hunch I may have caught onto something here. Secrets have a way of weighing the soul down that if not dealt with ultimately drag down with it the mind and spirit of the most able-bodied persons. My prayer for my mother is that she may never have to succumb to the ravages of this disease but somehow, by the grace of God, come to a safe place where she will be able to unburden her soul of all iniquity and past deeds.
More often than not, I want to shake my mother from head to toe and force her to deal with reality. I want to violently shake her out of her stupor and yell at the top of my lungs: "Wake the hell up! Can't you see the smoke and smell the approaching fire?" At the same time I want to take her into my arms and firmly hold her and soothe her longing and irrational fears. I want to whisper as any loving son ought to: " It's okay Ma, I know you meant well. I know you didn't mean to cause so much havoc and pain. I'm okay now. I've survived the fire and come out of the blazing furnace of abuse and injustice refined and stronger because of it. I forgive you because I know you never meant me no harm even if your hands, mouth, and feet were the instruments used to inflict such a deluge of pain. I have learned that my battle is not against flesh and blood and you are flesh of my flesh and blood of my blood. My battle has always been against spiritual strongholds sent my way to steal, rob, and destroy me...us. Be set free from the shame and guilt and come out of your prison before it is too late."
That day may never come for her. With each passing day she becomes entrenched and cemented in her destructive patterns and behaviors and keeps getting farther from the truth that can set her free. She is deathly afraid of pain. Little does she realize how much of it she is already in and how much more awaits her. I want to tell her things that have helped me in my own recovery and journey to wholeness in the hope of seeing her set free but I realize unless she is willing to do the work of recovery and confront the pain deep inside her, my words will be nothing more than fuel to the fire, or worse, more wood to burn in the devastation to come.
So the best gift I can give my Mom this Mother's Day are the unrelenting and unceasing prayers of a son who knows who he can appeal to for freedom to the captive heart. While there is still breath in me I will be like the persistent widow and storm the gates of Heaven on behalf of my mother. I will cry out night and day for justice on her behalf. I will make myself known before the Righteous Judge who loves me and will hear my case. I will ask for mercy while it may yet be found.
Love covers over a multitude of sins. To my mother I say in the presence of all my readers: " I love you. I forgive you. I will pray and believe for you that redemption will draw near and kiss your pain and finally give you rest from all your troubles". I will hope for you and dream the dream of freedom for your weary soul without expecting anything in return. To see you at peace from tormenting lies and finally able to enjoy a measure of healing and joy will be my reward, all I ask in return for loving you.
Happy Mother's Day Mom. I will never stop loving you!
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Drinking from the Cup of Eternity
I've been in a great deal of pain lately. I'm almost ashamed to admit it after having written a recent entry on my "healing". I guess I overspoke. Or maybe I didn't and my faith and healing is being tested. Whatever the case, I feel foolish having to admit to my physical pain. I mean, I sincerely believe and stand-by what occurred a few weeks ago in California (for a detailed account click on following link:Go West Young Man) it's just that I cannot deny that the pain is back. No longer in the part of my body where it began but I believe the radiation effects have traveled elsewhere; hopefully on their way out and never to be dealt with again. I am in constant pain and my worst fears tell me this is not a good sign.
I have gone through too much and endured just as much to throw the towel in now. I am contending for my healing on a daily basis and believing God to be good to me in restoring my body to full health and vigor. Everything happens for a reason. Everything. If it were not for the tumor and resulting treatment I had to undergo, I believe with all my heart my life would not be what it is today. I feel completely enriched and stronger in my inner man because of what I had to walk through in regards to my bout with Cancer. I was able, in my weakness, to draw nearer to God and find my true identity in the process. I am a healthier (if at least in Spirit), happier man because of it. Not a day goes by I do not thank God for the experience and what I learned in the process. Life is precious. Life is good. Life is worth living when you have the right perspective and outlook. My life has but only begun. I can't lay down and die now. Not now.No way. Not an option.
I heard a few weeks ago a preacher say: " God is not a liar and every word He speaks over us to perform, He will do it. So if you have prophetic words yet to be fulfilled in your life, remind God about it and know that you will not go home until everything spoken over you has come to pass." I personally am waiting to say many words spoken to me and over me come to fruition. Has God spoken things to you and like me are you still waiting to see its fulfillment? I sure am. I have prophetic words going back to the early 90's that were put on the shelf and put away because it was not yet time. Well I believe the time has finally come my friends. They are being dusted off as I write and being jumpstarted and kicked into gear by teh power of God's faithfulness.
In the meantime, I contend and wrestle with my pain. I'm trusting God for a breakthrough...someway, somehow. He is the expert in Breakthroughs so all I have to do is keep trusting and actively waiting for Him to bring the answers and solutions to my dilemmas. This pain must go. This pain will not be the end of me. This pain will not be another manifestation of a tumor lurking inside me and growing. No! I have gone through what I had to go through and drank from that bitter cup once. I will not drink from it twice. In Jesus name, I will not drink of that cup again. I have other cups to drink from; some more bitter and others sweeter but I refuse to give in to the temptation that my portion is to suffer the ravages of tumors and cancer.
These last few weeks have been tenuous to say the least. Whatever stability I thought or believed I possessed was taken from me. The challenges I have been facing these last couple of months were sent to me in order to bring me to a place of finding my strength and endurance in HIM. Opportunities to make necessary changes in my enviornment are being presented to me and I want to choose rightly. What I do today and how I proceed with things will impact my life for all of eternity. This existence is not the end all but only the beginning for the age to come. Oh, what a glorious age it will be for those who believe!
I was told recently that many aspects of my life are transitory. There is an eternal thread that runs through my entire life. I can trust God to station me where I can be the most effective in eternal purpose. Doors are open that no man can shut and doors shut tight that no man can open. Everything will work out for me for my ultimate good. My job is to continue to trust Him with my life and not to give room to the fear that tries to encroach me. Pain, whether physical or emotional, has a way of bringing up the worst of fears and doubts in people but we overcome every time we meet it headlong at the gate of our souls and minds and refuse to allow it entry. Fear will not come in and set up camp. It will not come in and rob me of my faith and peace. It must go the way of everything else in my life that does not agree and fulfill God's eternal purposes for my life. As the saying goes in Spanish: "Pa' la basura!" (to the trash) with anything that dares stand in my way.
So I speak with confidence and proclaim: "Enemy, move! You are blocking my glorious view of Jesus...lover of my soul and healer of my body".
I have gone through too much and endured just as much to throw the towel in now. I am contending for my healing on a daily basis and believing God to be good to me in restoring my body to full health and vigor. Everything happens for a reason. Everything. If it were not for the tumor and resulting treatment I had to undergo, I believe with all my heart my life would not be what it is today. I feel completely enriched and stronger in my inner man because of what I had to walk through in regards to my bout with Cancer. I was able, in my weakness, to draw nearer to God and find my true identity in the process. I am a healthier (if at least in Spirit), happier man because of it. Not a day goes by I do not thank God for the experience and what I learned in the process. Life is precious. Life is good. Life is worth living when you have the right perspective and outlook. My life has but only begun. I can't lay down and die now. Not now.No way. Not an option.
I heard a few weeks ago a preacher say: " God is not a liar and every word He speaks over us to perform, He will do it. So if you have prophetic words yet to be fulfilled in your life, remind God about it and know that you will not go home until everything spoken over you has come to pass." I personally am waiting to say many words spoken to me and over me come to fruition. Has God spoken things to you and like me are you still waiting to see its fulfillment? I sure am. I have prophetic words going back to the early 90's that were put on the shelf and put away because it was not yet time. Well I believe the time has finally come my friends. They are being dusted off as I write and being jumpstarted and kicked into gear by teh power of God's faithfulness.
In the meantime, I contend and wrestle with my pain. I'm trusting God for a breakthrough...someway, somehow. He is the expert in Breakthroughs so all I have to do is keep trusting and actively waiting for Him to bring the answers and solutions to my dilemmas. This pain must go. This pain will not be the end of me. This pain will not be another manifestation of a tumor lurking inside me and growing. No! I have gone through what I had to go through and drank from that bitter cup once. I will not drink from it twice. In Jesus name, I will not drink of that cup again. I have other cups to drink from; some more bitter and others sweeter but I refuse to give in to the temptation that my portion is to suffer the ravages of tumors and cancer.
These last few weeks have been tenuous to say the least. Whatever stability I thought or believed I possessed was taken from me. The challenges I have been facing these last couple of months were sent to me in order to bring me to a place of finding my strength and endurance in HIM. Opportunities to make necessary changes in my enviornment are being presented to me and I want to choose rightly. What I do today and how I proceed with things will impact my life for all of eternity. This existence is not the end all but only the beginning for the age to come. Oh, what a glorious age it will be for those who believe!
I was told recently that many aspects of my life are transitory. There is an eternal thread that runs through my entire life. I can trust God to station me where I can be the most effective in eternal purpose. Doors are open that no man can shut and doors shut tight that no man can open. Everything will work out for me for my ultimate good. My job is to continue to trust Him with my life and not to give room to the fear that tries to encroach me. Pain, whether physical or emotional, has a way of bringing up the worst of fears and doubts in people but we overcome every time we meet it headlong at the gate of our souls and minds and refuse to allow it entry. Fear will not come in and set up camp. It will not come in and rob me of my faith and peace. It must go the way of everything else in my life that does not agree and fulfill God's eternal purposes for my life. As the saying goes in Spanish: "Pa' la basura!" (to the trash) with anything that dares stand in my way.
So I speak with confidence and proclaim: "Enemy, move! You are blocking my glorious view of Jesus...lover of my soul and healer of my body".
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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