Well here I am about to cross the Jordan River of my emotions once again. It amazes me how after thirty-nine years of knowing what my emotions produce and how deceitful my heart can be, I still struggle in this area of my life. I should have this down by now. I should be able to look at myself and speak with authority at my feelings: " Simmer down, buddy. This too shall pass. You are getting worked about and anxious over nothing". Yes, I should be a pro at speaking the truth to these emotions that run like deep currents within me and threaten to come crashing down on my stability and peace. I swear to you, sometimes I just want nothing more than to bang my head against the hardest wall in the hope of finally getting "it".
I know I am being too hard on myself. Grace...grace and more grace, my dear Idilio. You can do nothing but by the grace given to you. And I know I have been given a generous portion of it. Time and time again I find myself at the end of my rope only to realize for the millionth time that God's grace is sufficient in my weakness. Sufficient, I tell you. More than enough. Grace always meets me where I am and covers my nakedness. My problem is this: I want desperately to overcome sin in my life. That's it right there. I want to be perfect, I guess. I don't want to have to deal with my sinfulness and the encroaching darkness of my fallen nature. More to the point, I hate having to repent over the same thing over and over again. Mind you, I know that I know (from first-hand experience) I have a mediator and a friend who sits at the right hand of the Father who lives to intercede for me. He never grows weary or tired of extending his scepter over me and covering me with his forgiveness. I honestly can write volumes on the subject of God's mercy and forgiveness. He has never failed me. Always forgiving. Always gentle in dealing with me. Always patient, waiting for me to come and receive from His hand what no one else is able to give or provide. I guess this is the reason why I love him so much. He who has been forgiven much, loves much and I have been forgiven enough times and deeply enough to cause me to respond with everything I have in me. I do not love Jesus for what I think He is or has done for me but for what I have experienced first-hand. When true forgiveness touches your life and you allow it to permeate even the darkest places of your soul, you will have no other response but to fall at his feet and passionately wash them with your tears. Tears of gratitude and appreciation of which I have shed a river.
I know that He knows this about me and have no doubt that my repentance when it finally sinks in, is genuine and heartfelt. So it is not the fact that I have to repent and turn from whatever it is that is causing distance between me and my Savior; it is the frustration and disappointment that I would after repenting, fall into the same sin again. With all my heart I do not want to do anything that I know or better yet has been already dealt within me. I want no distnce bewteen us. I can't afford to hang out in the Outer Courts until I get my act together. I want to press in and enter the Holy of Holies where I can be closest to His presence. In my old age I am desirous to draw closer and be nearer but this sin keep me at bay if even for a minute and I have no more minutes to waste!
I know that He knows this about me and have no doubt that my repentance when it finally sinks in, is genuine and heartfelt. So it is not the fact that I have to repent and turn from whatever it is that is causing distance between me and my Savior; it is the frustration and disappointment that I would after repenting, fall into the same sin again. With all my heart I do not want to do anything that I know or better yet has been already dealt within me. I want no distnce bewteen us. I can't afford to hang out in the Outer Courts until I get my act together. I want to press in and enter the Holy of Holies where I can be closest to His presence. In my old age I am desirous to draw closer and be nearer but this sin keep me at bay if even for a minute and I have no more minutes to waste!
Peter, Myrna, Jose, and I have been reading the Book of Judges lately during our family devotions. We have been reading about how Israel after crying out to God for deliverance from her oppressors and turning back to God would again fall back into her old ways and forget God; following after worthless idols. Israel did this over and over again and each time God handed her over to her enemies. What a vicious cycle!
I read somewhere how Israel was compared to an adulterous wife and even a whore because of her repeated unfaithfulness to God. I feel the same way. I am just like Israel...hard-headed and stuibborn. Unfaithful. Adulterous. A tramp. Oh where is all this going? I don't know anymore. I'm so angry with myself right now, not to mention disgusted. Who will deliver me from this body...this vicious and seemingly unending cycle?
Oh Paul, how I would love to sit with you and have you break it down to me when you wrote in Romans 7: 18-24 the following ageless truth:
"I realize that I don't have what it takes. I can will it, but I can't do it. I decide to do good but I don't really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don't result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time. It happens so regularly that it's predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God's commands, but it's pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge. I've tried everything and nothing helps. I'm at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn't that the real question?" (The Message)
Yes, my friend, I'm sinking in the same familiar hole again. Struggling with sin, emotions, feelings, desires, etc. but somehow trying to keep it together. But it is seeping through. I am encountering restless nights, worries, anxieties,, and fears again. I am second-guessing myself and slowly filling up with depression and anger. To think, just a month ago I was on teh mountaintop and here I am now in the sun-scorched valley. Somehow, I have to keep it together. I have a new job which I am not loving as much as I thought I would (ever since the move to this new location I have been less than thrilled with the job). I have my physical health to concentrate on right now. This constant pain in my body is signaling something is very wrong. I have been in constant pain since March! Oh well, maybe it is for the best .Maybe it's time to go home and give up this rotting piece of flesh that is only giving me pain and trouble. Oh, I don't know what I'm saying anymore. Pain makes me say the stupidest things. I just want to be free of pain, both physical and emotional. Is that too much to ask for?
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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