Time and time again I find myself forgetting and having to go back to the basics of my faith. Sad but true. I am deeply forgetful and flawed to the core. If left up to me I would have completely destroyed my life and everything around me. I have a way with words and actions that only tend to produce death most of the time if it weren't for God's intervention. And intervene he does! He is tireless. Always stepping in to redirect and re-align my footsteps. But how He does it is what amazes me! He is so kind and gentle, even in his rebukes.
I have a tendency to let offense latch on to me and drag me down with it. If I am not careful I can become quite bitter and nasty in a moment's notice. Granted I have gotten better at it with age. I don't explode with rage and vengefulness as I used to (thank God) but I still have it in me to hold stuff against people and things I feel have hurt me in some way. I guess this has a lot to do with, as usual, my childhood trauma of never feeling protected or cared for. You all know my story. I pretty much had to fend for myself and this in itself produced a mistrustful adult who took everything around him personally and was ready to attack at a moment's notice. Well, I am trying so hard to leave that old self where it belongs; buried in the past. The meek shall inherit the Earth and by God's grace I want a piece of the action in the new world to come!
Choosing what I term "voluntary weakness" is no easy thing in a world that constantly tells you that weakness is for "pussies" and only the strong survive. This world is brimming over with the message of you got to take what you want and make "it" (whatever that may be) happen. I even see it in the Church, the last place where it should be seen but we all know the condition "we" are in nowadays. Wordly values and views are so deeply enmeshed in the Churh that you no longer can tell the difference between the two. Revelations 13: 7 comes to mind: "He (satan) was given power to make war against the saints and to conquer them." But I digress. The reason I write today is to grapple with my flesh and to once again crucify my selfish desires for the sake of others while extending mercy as much as I am able to. Mercy. Mercy. Mercy. I need mercy!
I lost my train of thought. Oh well, I need to take a walk around the block and gather myself because right about now I feel all disjointed and out of place. I seriously need to get over the fact that I am never going to be perfect and have it all together. For whatever the reason it more than bothers me...it infuriates me. I get all worked up at the thought of failure and shortcomings. Maybe it has to do with my man-plasing tendencies rising back to the surface. Or maybe it has to do with the realization that I am powerless to change certain things in my life no matter how much I want to. Or... too may too mention right now. I need to get back to that place of grace and mercy where I can sit at the feet of Love and hear HIS heartbeat for me. I need to be reminded once again that I may be "dark" and "weathered" but yet HE calls me lovely! HIS heart and affections for me and towards me are still as strong and as true as when I am feeling at my best. His Love is eternal and unchanging.
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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