I well up with deepest emotion at the thought of having so many amazing family and friends who genuinely care and love me. I am surrounded by an overwhelming display of affection that makes me time and time again give thanks to the Almighty. It goes without saying, I truly am a blessed man!
Yesterday I met for the first time Dr. Nash; a tall handsome drink of a man (if I may be so free to express myself in such a way...and since I am the author of this material I can be as honest and transparent as I always aim to be). Dr. Nash is a six foot tall muscular man with jet black hair, perfectly white smile and dark piercing eyes. I'm afraid to think what might have been the case in running into him outside of his office just a few years ago when I would have brazenly made some sort of attempt to flirt with him, even if deep down I might have already placed him in the "out of my league" category. My flirting and pursuit of men was relentless once upon a time. Casual one-night sexual encounters was all I lived for back in the day. And it was then that I had learned how placing a man in the "out of your league" category did not make it necessarily so. How things have changed. Yes, downright amazing to me how it seems overnight this person I am describing here seems like a distant figment of my imagination; a made up fictional character. Looking back and surveying the liberal footprints I had left in the sand, as I stop to reflect and take account of my past with a naked eye, I see what devastation I wrought upon myself. I singlehandedly laid waste to my life. Like a boy playing with his ant farm I suddenly grew tired and boredom set in... I flipped over the thriving colony and killed every last one, sparing not one. I brought about the untimely end of those poor insects as I have my own life.
I know this cancer is a definite result and terrible consequence to how I lived my past. I gave myself over completely to the insatiable appetite for sex with other men. I could not get enough of it. I became enslaved by my wanton lusts and passions and as a result engaged in extremely risky and dangerous unprotected sexual acts with hundreds of strangers. I see now how I abused my body, this temple which should have been set aside as holy and sacred; instead it became a breeding ground for everything vile and abhorrent. Good and evil at war within my own members and time and time again I sided with that which offered me instant gratification. Worst of all, I had been granted the privilege of knowing truth, of being able to distinguish between right and wrong, and the absolute freedom to choose what path to take and abide in. I chose foolishly time and time again until one day the culmination of my bad choices reached their zenith, and the bowl of wrath full to the brim finally tipped over. And as it spilled to the earth I heard the angel proclaim: "Do not be deceived. God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows".
And so it seems, the grim reaper, disguised in the most handsome voice of Dr. Nash spoke to me yesterday what I have been dreading to hear... " We'll have to surgically remove the tumor and along with it we will have to remove your colon, rectum, bladder, and some bone in your pelvic area". I was devastated at hearing how extensive and invasive this procedure would be. I had only prepared myself to hear about the possibility of the colon being removed but never in a thousand years everything else he mentioned.
While at the hospital last month, I was operated on several times, two of which were for the placement of a Colostomy bag and a Suprapubic Catheter. I was sincerely hoping and praying these inconveniently placed bags would be temporary. Unfortunately, it looks as if this will be a part of me till death do I part.
I personally feel as if the quality of my life has already been altered and adversely affected. I am making the best of an uncomfortable and unsightly situation and wholeheartedly praying for a complete reversal to these procedures. Well, it appears, this may not be the case after all. This has left me frustrated and bothered. I am trying to see the good in it but all I can see or sense is what a disturbance it has been thus far. Furthermore, as much as I should be thankful to be alive I can't help but wonder what kind of a life lies ahead for me. Maintaining and looking after these two bags is time-consuming and bothersome. Believe me, I've been captive to this "life out of the bags" now for a month and it has yet to grow on me or make me feel like I have a handle on things.
Folks, I no longer ask for just healing. I am going to require a miracle. This cancer like all cancers has swept in like an invading army and I am in desperate need of unrelenting mercy in order to uproot it. I feel like I am being judged and well I should since judgment must begin with the House of God but judgment without mercy is nothing more than vengeful wrath. And this is where I deviate in my thinking from those who would paint the maker of the Universe as such. God is Love. Pure and unadulterated love. My God is also my Savior and Friend whom I can confidently and boldly approach in my time of need. He is the God who Sees and Acts on the behalf of those He loves and has made covenant with. Granted, I have broken my covenant many times. I have provoked him and who knows what else to deserve the worst punishment BUT He is Faithful, even in the midst of my unfaithfulness. I am loved with an everlasting love that burns with jealousy and holy passion towards me and for me.
HE is for me and not against me.
So much so that He has faithfully surrounded me with faithful representations of his love in the lives of my awesome family and friends. At times, with everything going on in my life, I feel like the paralyzed man whose friends upon hearing that Jesus was inside and seeing the only way to get their buddy to Jesus was to rip open a hole in the roof and lower the sick man before the Healer's feet. I am confident this very scenario is being played out in my life and healing miracles will soon be mine to experience and declare. I have so many people praying and believing for me. I feel completely covered and secure by the loving prayers of those God has sent to physically demonstrate how very much He loves me.
I am believing strongly that this life will not be lived out of bags and wholeness will return to me very soon.
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
I can't imagine how you are able to experience this -- as it is difficult just mentally processing that this is actually occurring to a friend. Your transparency, as alway, is commendable. I think the majority of folks would be rolling around in the deepest depths of fear and self-pity. Cheers to you for reaching up and out of this seemingly unsurmountable situation.
ReplyDeleteOn a lighter side, just think, you can be both literal and figurative when you say: "Look at this shit!" (Too soon?)
XOXO
Wow, Idilio. I am blown away with this brave, beautiful, vulnerable, passionate, powerful, loving, open declaration. Your words have moved me very deeply and your emotions, your amazing energy shines strongly even thousands of miles away.
ReplyDeleteI will pray as I am doing actively now with these words that you and the doctors that work diligently alongside you for patience, for acceptance of what is with a strong faith in what is to come, for strength to bear through the pain, frustration and whatever other emotions tangle and interrupt your/their peace.
I also say that you have come so far in healing not just physically but mentally and emotionally and spiritually from so many wounds and that it's okay to be angry at yourself and at your actions but make that anger work for you! Raise your vibration and hand to hold that anger like a beloved lover and ask it to guide your focus so that it breeds healing in a way that only a powerful fire can and ask it to burn whatever threads of shame or guilt remain in your space. Ask that flame to move with ease and as it ripples that it do so in such a nurturing, soothing, exquisite way.
The process of alchemy is not for the weak and so maybe you can see this as just that...your body is cleaning it self out and going through a deep process of alchemy. So don't see this as a process of consequence from "bad choices" because if you knew better, if you REALLY were in a solid, healthy place in your life when you made the choices you made in the past you would not do what you did...you were hurting so very much and sometimes when we hurt we do whatever we can to feel better and of course we reach for what feels good. Nothing wrong about that.
So your rampant sex binges is no different than the woman who meditates incessantly wishing she could heal her suffering or the kid that eats popsicles every day because he thinks it will make his superhuman powers cooler and more powerful. Or me, when I overstep boundaries because I feel compelled to help but sometimes I really just need to let go...inherently we all act from a place of love...it's just that the wires get a little tangled along the way and wanting greater peace. We're not bad for it....at all! It's a matter of perspective.
Get what I'm saying, my friend? Drop your judgment of any past actions and also of future possibilities {the negative ones that make you feel sad and in despair}. I say tell those opinions when they arise to shut the fuck up and get their bags packed. Call on your anger at that moment and let it roar.
Then laugh.
Then have a little ceremony with yourself and those friends and thank them for their lessons ie..past sexual relationships, your Guilt, your Shame, and what ever else you feel needs including and let them know you are grateful for their lessons or whatever else they taught you and tell them this healing journey you intend to set them free as well.
Maybe you can create a vision board on what the next few months and 2011 will be like....how you want it to be like...with friends around, laughing faces, the words Miracle Cure or Holistic Healing {to symbolize complete healing} and whatever else you feel drawn to include. I am doing this now for some of the most major projects I want to affirm in my life and it is invigorating and motivating me like nothing else.
Here's to walking the journey with courage and peace!! I am right by your side my love, rooting for you and washing your warm face as it cries away all the debris.
Myrna
Wow, Idilio. I am blown away with this brave, beautiful, vulnerable, passionate, powerful, loving, open declaration. Your words have moved me very deeply and your emotions, your amazing energy shines strongly even thousands of miles away.
ReplyDeleteI will pray as I am doing actively now with these words that you and the doctors that work diligently alongside you for patience, for acceptance of what is with a strong faith in what is to come, for strength to bear through the pain, frustration and whatever other emotions tangle and interrupt your/their peace.
I also say that you have come so far in healing not just physically but mentally and emotionally and spiritually from so many wounds and that it's okay to be angry at yourself and at your actions but make that anger work for you! Raise your vibration and hand to hold that anger like a beloved lover and ask it to guide your focus so that it breeds healing in a way that only a powerful fire can and ask it to burn whatever threads of shame or guilt remain in your space. Ask that flame to move with ease and as it ripples that it do so in such a nurturing, soothing, exquisite way.
The process of alchemy is not for the weak and so maybe you can see this as just that...your body is cleaning it self out and going through a deep process of alchemy. So don't see this as a process of consequence from "bad choices" because if you knew better, if you REALLY were in a solid, healthy place in your life when you made the choices you made in the past you would not do what you did...you were hurting so very much and sometimes when we hurt we do whatever we can to feel better and of course we reach for what feels good. Nothing wrong about that.
So your rampant sex binges is no different than the woman who meditates incessantly wishing she could heal her suffering or the kid that eats popsicles every day because he thinks it will make his superhuman powers cooler and more powerful. Or me, when I overstep boundaries because I feel compelled to help but sometimes I really just need to let go...inherently we all act from a place of love...it's just that the wires get a little tangled along the way and wanting greater peace. We're not bad for it....at all! It's a matter of perspective.
Get what I'm saying, my friend? Drop your judgment of any past actions and also of future possibilities {the negative ones that make you feel sad and in despair}. I say tell those opinions when they arise to shut the fuck up and get their bags packed. Call on your anger at that moment and let it roar.
Then laugh.
Then have a little ceremony with yourself and those friends and thank them for their lessons ie..past sexual relationships, your Guilt, your Shame, and what ever else you feel needs including and let them know you are grateful for their lessons or whatever else they taught you and tell them this healing journey you intend to set them free as well.
Maybe you can create a vision board on what the next few months and 2011 will be like....how you want it to be like...with friends around, laughing faces, the words Miracle Cure or Holistic Healing {to symbolize complete healing} and whatever else you feel drawn to include. I am doing this now for some of the most major projects I want to affirm in my life and it is invigorating and motivating me like nothing else.
Here's to walking the journey with courage and peace!! I am right by your side my love, rooting for you and washing your warm face as it cries away all the debris.
Myrna
Idilio, thank you for your transparent sharing. I am praying for that miracle that we know our Father can provide. I love you.
ReplyDeleteBaayork