TOP TEN THINGS I MISS MOST (or wish I could do again with ease)
10. Sitting. The tumor is located and protruding in such a way that sitting is no longer an option. I spend the bulk of my days in bed.
9. Using the bathroom like regular folk. I do my business in bags attached to my abdomen.
8. Taking regular showers. The process is time-consuming and tedious.
7. Wearing belts and form-fitting clothes. My fashion sense has been altered since I must now conceal the "ostomy/catheter" bags I'm attached to.
6. Going to the Movies. Since I can't sit, I can't go and watch the latest movies playing out right now.
5. Attending church. Talks are in progress how to make this one obstacle a reality again.
4. Going to work every day. Miss the daily interactions with co-workers and clients.
3. My appetite. I've lost twenty-two pounds in one month. Eating is a chore
2. Pain-Free existence. Pain is under control with heavy pain meds. Thank God.
1. My independence. Can't do much of anything without assistance.
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Tears in Bottles
Had a good cry today and I blame TLC's "Say Yes To The Dress". Confined to my bed these last few weeks, I've been watching a great deal of TV lately. One of those shows is the one mentioned here where "brides to be" shop for wedding dresses and in the process bridal drama ensues. I think I've laid eyes on at least a hundred wedding gowns watching re-runs of this show. That is when it dawned on me, while I may proudly proclaim myself as the figurative and literal Bride of Christ, I will never have the pleasure and honor of becoming a groom. Suddenly, I realized how much I've been robbed of in this life! And the tears gushed out of me like a mourner at my own funeral.
I make it a point not to dwell on the "what could have been" and do my best to live life in the moment and to the fullest. Or at least I like to think so. Yet sometimes one can't help and grieve the situational losses of life. So I had me a good cry as I faced the facts that Eunuchs are never meant to marry.
During these down times, when tears and snot are keeping me from focusing on all the blessings that have been bestowed on me regardless of what I may have been deprived of, I always bring to my remembrance the words spoken to me by James Goll (a man I deeply respect and admire in the prophetic) when he revealed to me the tender love of a Savior who collects every tear I've ever shed and collects them in bottles. The thought of Jesus gathering every tear from my eyes and placing each drop in bottles has always spoken volumes to me of how much He deeply cares and is present in my pain and suffering. Not that it makes whatever I'm feeling or going through at the moment, when the waterworks are turned on, any less bearable, at least I can find comfort in knowing someone cares. And if I know Jesus I'm sure there is great purpose in the collection of my many tears. Nothing is in vain. With Him everything has purpose. I trust Him with vindicating me of all my losses and restoring everything I have been robbed of in this lifetime. He is my Hope, my Anchor in the storm... my faithful reminder that these present and momentary troubles are nothing in comparison to the future glory yet to be revealed.
A good cry every once in awhile is a good thing. It cleanses the soul and reminds me how good it is to be alive, no matter the circumstances. Call me "thankful".
I make it a point not to dwell on the "what could have been" and do my best to live life in the moment and to the fullest. Or at least I like to think so. Yet sometimes one can't help and grieve the situational losses of life. So I had me a good cry as I faced the facts that Eunuchs are never meant to marry.
During these down times, when tears and snot are keeping me from focusing on all the blessings that have been bestowed on me regardless of what I may have been deprived of, I always bring to my remembrance the words spoken to me by James Goll (a man I deeply respect and admire in the prophetic) when he revealed to me the tender love of a Savior who collects every tear I've ever shed and collects them in bottles. The thought of Jesus gathering every tear from my eyes and placing each drop in bottles has always spoken volumes to me of how much He deeply cares and is present in my pain and suffering. Not that it makes whatever I'm feeling or going through at the moment, when the waterworks are turned on, any less bearable, at least I can find comfort in knowing someone cares. And if I know Jesus I'm sure there is great purpose in the collection of my many tears. Nothing is in vain. With Him everything has purpose. I trust Him with vindicating me of all my losses and restoring everything I have been robbed of in this lifetime. He is my Hope, my Anchor in the storm... my faithful reminder that these present and momentary troubles are nothing in comparison to the future glory yet to be revealed.
A good cry every once in awhile is a good thing. It cleanses the soul and reminds me how good it is to be alive, no matter the circumstances. Call me "thankful".
Thursday, September 16, 2010
LIFE out of BAGS is NO LIFE at ALL!
I well up with deepest emotion at the thought of having so many amazing family and friends who genuinely care and love me. I am surrounded by an overwhelming display of affection that makes me time and time again give thanks to the Almighty. It goes without saying, I truly am a blessed man!
Yesterday I met for the first time Dr. Nash; a tall handsome drink of a man (if I may be so free to express myself in such a way...and since I am the author of this material I can be as honest and transparent as I always aim to be). Dr. Nash is a six foot tall muscular man with jet black hair, perfectly white smile and dark piercing eyes. I'm afraid to think what might have been the case in running into him outside of his office just a few years ago when I would have brazenly made some sort of attempt to flirt with him, even if deep down I might have already placed him in the "out of my league" category. My flirting and pursuit of men was relentless once upon a time. Casual one-night sexual encounters was all I lived for back in the day. And it was then that I had learned how placing a man in the "out of your league" category did not make it necessarily so. How things have changed. Yes, downright amazing to me how it seems overnight this person I am describing here seems like a distant figment of my imagination; a made up fictional character. Looking back and surveying the liberal footprints I had left in the sand, as I stop to reflect and take account of my past with a naked eye, I see what devastation I wrought upon myself. I singlehandedly laid waste to my life. Like a boy playing with his ant farm I suddenly grew tired and boredom set in... I flipped over the thriving colony and killed every last one, sparing not one. I brought about the untimely end of those poor insects as I have my own life.
I know this cancer is a definite result and terrible consequence to how I lived my past. I gave myself over completely to the insatiable appetite for sex with other men. I could not get enough of it. I became enslaved by my wanton lusts and passions and as a result engaged in extremely risky and dangerous unprotected sexual acts with hundreds of strangers. I see now how I abused my body, this temple which should have been set aside as holy and sacred; instead it became a breeding ground for everything vile and abhorrent. Good and evil at war within my own members and time and time again I sided with that which offered me instant gratification. Worst of all, I had been granted the privilege of knowing truth, of being able to distinguish between right and wrong, and the absolute freedom to choose what path to take and abide in. I chose foolishly time and time again until one day the culmination of my bad choices reached their zenith, and the bowl of wrath full to the brim finally tipped over. And as it spilled to the earth I heard the angel proclaim: "Do not be deceived. God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows".
And so it seems, the grim reaper, disguised in the most handsome voice of Dr. Nash spoke to me yesterday what I have been dreading to hear... " We'll have to surgically remove the tumor and along with it we will have to remove your colon, rectum, bladder, and some bone in your pelvic area". I was devastated at hearing how extensive and invasive this procedure would be. I had only prepared myself to hear about the possibility of the colon being removed but never in a thousand years everything else he mentioned.
While at the hospital last month, I was operated on several times, two of which were for the placement of a Colostomy bag and a Suprapubic Catheter. I was sincerely hoping and praying these inconveniently placed bags would be temporary. Unfortunately, it looks as if this will be a part of me till death do I part.
I personally feel as if the quality of my life has already been altered and adversely affected. I am making the best of an uncomfortable and unsightly situation and wholeheartedly praying for a complete reversal to these procedures. Well, it appears, this may not be the case after all. This has left me frustrated and bothered. I am trying to see the good in it but all I can see or sense is what a disturbance it has been thus far. Furthermore, as much as I should be thankful to be alive I can't help but wonder what kind of a life lies ahead for me. Maintaining and looking after these two bags is time-consuming and bothersome. Believe me, I've been captive to this "life out of the bags" now for a month and it has yet to grow on me or make me feel like I have a handle on things.
Folks, I no longer ask for just healing. I am going to require a miracle. This cancer like all cancers has swept in like an invading army and I am in desperate need of unrelenting mercy in order to uproot it. I feel like I am being judged and well I should since judgment must begin with the House of God but judgment without mercy is nothing more than vengeful wrath. And this is where I deviate in my thinking from those who would paint the maker of the Universe as such. God is Love. Pure and unadulterated love. My God is also my Savior and Friend whom I can confidently and boldly approach in my time of need. He is the God who Sees and Acts on the behalf of those He loves and has made covenant with. Granted, I have broken my covenant many times. I have provoked him and who knows what else to deserve the worst punishment BUT He is Faithful, even in the midst of my unfaithfulness. I am loved with an everlasting love that burns with jealousy and holy passion towards me and for me.
HE is for me and not against me.
So much so that He has faithfully surrounded me with faithful representations of his love in the lives of my awesome family and friends. At times, with everything going on in my life, I feel like the paralyzed man whose friends upon hearing that Jesus was inside and seeing the only way to get their buddy to Jesus was to rip open a hole in the roof and lower the sick man before the Healer's feet. I am confident this very scenario is being played out in my life and healing miracles will soon be mine to experience and declare. I have so many people praying and believing for me. I feel completely covered and secure by the loving prayers of those God has sent to physically demonstrate how very much He loves me.
I am believing strongly that this life will not be lived out of bags and wholeness will return to me very soon.
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Yesterday I met for the first time Dr. Nash; a tall handsome drink of a man (if I may be so free to express myself in such a way...and since I am the author of this material I can be as honest and transparent as I always aim to be). Dr. Nash is a six foot tall muscular man with jet black hair, perfectly white smile and dark piercing eyes. I'm afraid to think what might have been the case in running into him outside of his office just a few years ago when I would have brazenly made some sort of attempt to flirt with him, even if deep down I might have already placed him in the "out of my league" category. My flirting and pursuit of men was relentless once upon a time. Casual one-night sexual encounters was all I lived for back in the day. And it was then that I had learned how placing a man in the "out of your league" category did not make it necessarily so. How things have changed. Yes, downright amazing to me how it seems overnight this person I am describing here seems like a distant figment of my imagination; a made up fictional character. Looking back and surveying the liberal footprints I had left in the sand, as I stop to reflect and take account of my past with a naked eye, I see what devastation I wrought upon myself. I singlehandedly laid waste to my life. Like a boy playing with his ant farm I suddenly grew tired and boredom set in... I flipped over the thriving colony and killed every last one, sparing not one. I brought about the untimely end of those poor insects as I have my own life.
I know this cancer is a definite result and terrible consequence to how I lived my past. I gave myself over completely to the insatiable appetite for sex with other men. I could not get enough of it. I became enslaved by my wanton lusts and passions and as a result engaged in extremely risky and dangerous unprotected sexual acts with hundreds of strangers. I see now how I abused my body, this temple which should have been set aside as holy and sacred; instead it became a breeding ground for everything vile and abhorrent. Good and evil at war within my own members and time and time again I sided with that which offered me instant gratification. Worst of all, I had been granted the privilege of knowing truth, of being able to distinguish between right and wrong, and the absolute freedom to choose what path to take and abide in. I chose foolishly time and time again until one day the culmination of my bad choices reached their zenith, and the bowl of wrath full to the brim finally tipped over. And as it spilled to the earth I heard the angel proclaim: "Do not be deceived. God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows".
And so it seems, the grim reaper, disguised in the most handsome voice of Dr. Nash spoke to me yesterday what I have been dreading to hear... " We'll have to surgically remove the tumor and along with it we will have to remove your colon, rectum, bladder, and some bone in your pelvic area". I was devastated at hearing how extensive and invasive this procedure would be. I had only prepared myself to hear about the possibility of the colon being removed but never in a thousand years everything else he mentioned.
While at the hospital last month, I was operated on several times, two of which were for the placement of a Colostomy bag and a Suprapubic Catheter. I was sincerely hoping and praying these inconveniently placed bags would be temporary. Unfortunately, it looks as if this will be a part of me till death do I part.
I personally feel as if the quality of my life has already been altered and adversely affected. I am making the best of an uncomfortable and unsightly situation and wholeheartedly praying for a complete reversal to these procedures. Well, it appears, this may not be the case after all. This has left me frustrated and bothered. I am trying to see the good in it but all I can see or sense is what a disturbance it has been thus far. Furthermore, as much as I should be thankful to be alive I can't help but wonder what kind of a life lies ahead for me. Maintaining and looking after these two bags is time-consuming and bothersome. Believe me, I've been captive to this "life out of the bags" now for a month and it has yet to grow on me or make me feel like I have a handle on things.
Folks, I no longer ask for just healing. I am going to require a miracle. This cancer like all cancers has swept in like an invading army and I am in desperate need of unrelenting mercy in order to uproot it. I feel like I am being judged and well I should since judgment must begin with the House of God but judgment without mercy is nothing more than vengeful wrath. And this is where I deviate in my thinking from those who would paint the maker of the Universe as such. God is Love. Pure and unadulterated love. My God is also my Savior and Friend whom I can confidently and boldly approach in my time of need. He is the God who Sees and Acts on the behalf of those He loves and has made covenant with. Granted, I have broken my covenant many times. I have provoked him and who knows what else to deserve the worst punishment BUT He is Faithful, even in the midst of my unfaithfulness. I am loved with an everlasting love that burns with jealousy and holy passion towards me and for me.
HE is for me and not against me.
So much so that He has faithfully surrounded me with faithful representations of his love in the lives of my awesome family and friends. At times, with everything going on in my life, I feel like the paralyzed man whose friends upon hearing that Jesus was inside and seeing the only way to get their buddy to Jesus was to rip open a hole in the roof and lower the sick man before the Healer's feet. I am confident this very scenario is being played out in my life and healing miracles will soon be mine to experience and declare. I have so many people praying and believing for me. I feel completely covered and secure by the loving prayers of those God has sent to physically demonstrate how very much He loves me.
I am believing strongly that this life will not be lived out of bags and wholeness will return to me very soon.
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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