If you ask me, I will honestly tell you I have lacked the drive for success in life. When faced with the choice of investing and sacrificing for the sake of earthly riches and high position, I have failed time and time again to rise to the occasion. While others raced headlong into their careers and goals of upward mobility, and worked hard to realize their dreams, I chose to take a more leisurely approach to life. I am not driven in the sense other people are. I am a type "B" kind of guy. Laid back. Casual. Faithful to deadlines only because I have to. This lack of drive has come with a price, which at times, has left me in the dust and feeling as I have lately...stuck and under-appreciated. Endeavoring to go at my own pace and accomplish whatever tasks set before me with my usual effervescence appears to not have been enough. You have to take what I am saying with a grain of salt since I'm undergoing an episode of major disappointment. I am grieving what I teach my soon-to-be foster parents as "situational loss"- losses that come unexpectedly and without warning. I'm at the precipice of what may end up being the end of three wonderful and rewarding years at my workplace.
I am starting to wonder if holding my tongue was the best thing to have done after all. Maybe I should have spoken up when I had a chance and voiced my displeasure at being treated with such disdain? I had reasoned with myself that as long as I did my job and stayed out of her way, she would leave me alone and not mistreat me, even if I had to deal with her bitter misery and foul attitude. I chalked it up as the price to pay for working under someone who has bi-polar tendencies and has her "favorites" of which I am not. "As long as you keep quiet, do your work, and stay out of her way, you will be fine" I reasoned with myself.
I realize now how this could not have been farthest from the truth. When you rub someone the wrong way as I do her, it comes down to this. In order to get rid of me she has born false witness against me and blown things out of proportion to the extent that she would have me look as someone who "falsified" records and placed children in harm's way. Completely untrue! I just pray now it will not be too late to reason with her and help her to see the outright wrong-doing of her actions. My fear is that in her blindness and unwillingness to see me and the contributions I have made to the workplace, she will get away with her plan to defame my character and smear my name.
I guess it all boils down to this for me: what's next? This has been the cry of my heart these last few weeks. Where to next? It is obvious to me, I am being uprooted (against my will) and being prepared for the next phase of my journey. I have no clear indication as to what this may be but the ground underneath me is trembling and the earth is being shifted. Change has once again come and I need to greet it with open arms.
Regardless of the outcome, my hope remains steadfast that somehow God will work it out for my good and vindicate me. I am praying that everything being planned against me in the darkness will come to the light and not prevail. I have done my best. I have worked honorably and with integrity. Albeit, imperfectly and with room to improve but to the best of my abilities. At least I can hold my head high and be proud of my accomplishments, even if she does not want to see it.
May God help me to see the good in all this and the grace to move forward. Obviously, I am not wanted there and somehow it is being used to move me along to whatever it is God has prepared for me elsewhere. I will not be discouraged (for too long, anyway). I believe with all my heart things are going to turn out just fine even if it means having to endure a bit of pain. God is faithful. He will see me through this. He has seen me through worse.
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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