I was ready for a show down on Monday. Hardly slept the night before going through all the different scenarios of what I would say and do. Turns out I didn't have to lift a finger or utter a word. Nothing happened. No one said a word to me. No one called me into a meeting. This is the second time in the last month or so where I was expecting to be spoken to and finally have the opportunity to bear my grievances. Makes me wonder what is going on. Almost feels like I am imagining half the stuff I hear and expect to happen. I guess better to have imagined it than to actually have it happen. Nonetheless, I am moving on for my sake. Can't take the high level of anxiety and pressure I am experiencing lately. Definitely not fun going to work anymore. Miss those days. I hardly ever had to use the snooze button but it seems lately it is getting tapped a great deal. I just don't want to have to face all the negativity and low morale surrounding me.
My heart goes out to my fellow co-workers. I can see the heaviness on their shoulders and the worry in their eyes. The laughter has been stifled and I've seen my share of puffy eyes in the last few weeks. The sense of camaraderie and teamwork has been greatly diminished. I want desperately to be the cheerleader in their midst and lift up everyone's spirits but when you find yourself walking on eggshells and sense there is no one around you to offer you support, well, not much can get done but just get through the day. This saddens me greatly since we are already dealing with so much pain and loss and I would want nothing more but to be the breathe of encouragement and cheerfulness to those who are weighed down with life's struggles. If only she could see how laughter does make the heart glad and does not in any way cheapen or rob the workplace of getting the job done. Honestly, I believe with all my heart I did my best work when my mouth was full of joy. Now, the work still gets done but with guarded heart.
We had a "code red" yesterday which means all the managers had to come down to the third floor and stand guard as the police officers escorted the angry and volatile birth parent out of the agency. She cursed with abandon and with each "fuck", "shit" and "god-damn" the atmosphere became more uneasy and tense. I never know what to do in such situations but follow the offender's every move with my eyes and stand at attention with my arms folded- at the ready to have to restrain or step in if things get physical or violent. I kept thinking to myself how I hoped no one was wearing a tie or anything that might be pulled by the tempest stomping around the reception area. I had already predetermined in my mind to run and grab a pair of scissors in case she got her hands and started yanking away. Nothing came of the episode. The young mother simply needed to let off steam and let everyone know that deep down she truly does love her baby. No doubt. She made it clear and I even had to turn away when she at last took her son's coat in her hands and held it to her bosom, tears streaming down her face. God, this side of the veil is overflowing with so much grief and pain. Wanted to join in and wail with the young woman raising my voice and pierce the air with my lament. Yes girl, life sucks right now, especially when what you love is taken from you.
Went to an interview today and nailed it. Felt great. Crossing my fingers and hoping I get the call I long for..."Congratulations! You got the job!" It went so well that I was immediately asked to complete the second phase of the interview and provide the interviewer with references and the like. Praying I get it. Trusting God to open the door if it is meant to be. Close it tight if it is not meant to be. And give me patience to wait out whatever it is I must endure. So far God has demonstrated His blessings and covered me in favor. Thank you, Lord.
Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
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