Bloody Frustrations

 To say I am becoming increasingly frustrated with this tumor is an understatement. It refuses to shrink and it is increasingly creating more pain and discomfort to my body on a daily basis. I visited my Urologist today and I left feeling a bit defeated and trapped. Dr. Sandhu was not able to provide me with any viable solutions to my dilemma. I shared with him how I am experiencing sudden spasms of intense pain more and more frequently. I was truly hoping the doctor would be able to provide me with a certain measure of lasting relief. Unfortunately, all he was able to offer me was the same song and dance..."the tumor is creating havoc inside you." Dr. Sandhu offered to increase my dosage of pain medication but I turned it down. I am having a very hard time with taking a larger dose since it tends to make me feel all out of it. I hate feeling like a zombie. But it seems I am going to have to start getting used to this until the tumor finally subsides and diminishes. Please God, let it shrink and whither away.


I took the following photos in order to show Dr. Sanhu what I was dealing with at home. The first photo shows what the toilet bowl looks like after I'm done using it. The problem is not so much the blood which comes out of with my urine but the fact that I have a superpubic catheter installed. I should not be urinating on my own at all. Now get ready for this, the urine is coming out of my anus!!! WTF??? I was petrified when it first happened. I thought something seriously wrong was happening to me. To my relief the Oncology nurse told me this happens sometimes to people stricken with  my type of cancer. (This was later confirmed by both Doctor Sandhu and Dr. Chung).

(1) bloody urine

(2) Blood in my catheter tube.

(3) Blood soaked catheter bag.

(4) Traveling in style in the back seat of dad's car.

God does not give us any burden we cannot carry. He is just. Therefore, it is my conclusion he will get me through this somehow and by any means necessary . In the midst of the pain I will continue to remind myself of these truths and trust Him with the final outcome. I will also consider it a "blessing of leisure and rest" the fact that I am unable to sit down because of the location and size of my tumor. 

"God, you are my strength. Thank you for never leaving me or forsaking me. Amen."

Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.