Getting ready to head back home. This past weekend was, to say the least, lazy and low-key. I'm not complaining. I am sort of glad it ended up being a laid-back weekend. I rested. I reflected. I took the time to be alone and just be. Felt good. These are some of the observations or conclusions I've come upon during these past three days away from home:
I am a NEW YORKER to the core. A Puerto Rican New Yorker at that. I noticed during my trip to the Supermarket how everything in these parts caters to my Mexican brothers and Sisters. They definitely rule out here. Not sure if I was too thrilled at realizing this. If you're not Mexican, it seems you are Central American. Spanish may be spoken but not with the accent and flair I am used and accustomed to. Even the names of things are changed and seem foreign to me. For exmaple, Andre loves to eat "tostones" (fried Plaintains) so I decide to hop in the car (you have to drive everywhere in this town) and headed out to VONS Supermarket. Typical American venue with the aisles in the middle and the deli and meats on one side, Dairy products in the back against the wall, and Produce on the other end of the huge Temple of Nutrition and Consumption we are so used to and thankful for. The difference to me, as a Hispanic, was the complete absence of my GOYA products. Couldn't find a can of Goya Beans even if my life depended on it. Sure, their was plenty of canned beans but to me, since it did not say Goya, well I swear to you I felt I was buying generic or bootleg. I half expected to crack open a can and find something else inside. Disturbing. I wanted to see the familiar blue and yellow cans with the bold white letters! Nowhere to be found. Oh well, I thought to myself, this was just a fluke. I was sure I'd find them at the next Mega foodplex. Hopped in the car again and headed out to what Andre called the "hood". Yes, if anything, I would definitely find Goya beans in the "hood". I mean, I grew up in the ghettos of Brooklyn, NY and this is where I was introduced to the Goya products with the catchy Spanish slogan: " Si es Goya, tiene que ser bueno!" which was later translated to English when beans became mainstream..."If It's Good, It's Gotta be Goya". Way before "gringos" were mixing beans into their salads and making three bean chili, I was cleaning them off my plate with rice and whatever meat was made available to me. Rice and Beans- every Puerto Rican's staple; at least those of my generation.
So as I was saying, we drove to the "hood" which looked just like any suburban town with vast expanses of parking lots in front of countless shopping mall strips extending the length of six to eight lane roads. As a New Yorker, I love and appreciate sidewalks. I take them for granted. And I'm not talking about asphalt pathways with grass on either side of them. No. I'm talking about those huge gray cement blocks with blackened gum imbedded into them and pieces of paper and wrappers floating about like modern -day dust balls of the ghost towns portrayed in Old Westerns. No one walks in the Suburbs. No need for sidewalks. This goes against my Native New York City mindset and upbringing.
We finally get to the TAPATITO Supermarket and once again I am thrown into a state of mental confusion. Once inside, I head for the fresh Produce section, which was as traditionally expected, off to the left side and start searching for plantains. Finally spotted them piled up next to the bananas and realize they are called "Bananos" here in the West Coast. Bananos? WTF? You gotta be kidding. No matter, I grab a plastic bag and start filling it with my "bananos" from Guatemala. They look the same as the plaintains from the Dominica Republic I am used to purchasing at home so I think nothing of the fact that unlike back at home, you buy them by the pound here. Back home, I get my "platanos" for as much as ten for a buck! Here, sixty-nine cents a pound. Not sure what that translates to, but I figure, it must be cheap, or close to what I would get at home. Wrong! When the Cashier girl rings 'em up I play it off when I see that my five small "bananos" cost over five dollars. S.H.I.T.!
Well folks, not only am I in a different time zone which becomes annoying when at night I reach for my cell phone to make my customary calls and have to stop as I realize it may be ten o' clock here but its one o' clock back home and very few of my contacts will be up or happy to hear from me at that hour. I realize I need more West Coast friends.
All in all, thankfully, I get back to Andre's place and was relieved to find that those expensive "bananos" fry up just like back home and taste just as divine dipped in garlic butter. Same for the beans. I opened the can to find that the only thing different was the label. Same beans wit that nasty liquid I always gladly drain out of the can and same gassy effect after I'm done consuming them. Thank God my butt is all better now and passing gas is just like any other nocturnal and private activity. Thankful, I don't see stars anymore when I have to let one rip (I curse you Booty Cancer!).
Looking forward to getting back to familiarity; to the City that although "Disneyfied" and gentrified still is home to me. Where plantains are just that and can still be had for cheap. Where Goya still fills the aisles of most supermarkets and bodegas. Where Puerto Ricans are still the majority amongst Spanish-speaking folk, even if we are rapidly mainstreaming and migrating to the burbs. Where I can choose to walk anywhere if I so please and do so without feeling confined by the narrow pathways of the suburbs; finding plenty of other people walking on them also, adding to the hectic energy of what I identify with as home sweet home. And where last but not least, everyone is governed by the same time zone. Can't wait to be back where I belong. New York. Home Sweet Home.
Monday, December 14, 2009
Saturday, December 12, 2009
When Eunuchs Fall in Love
Sometimes you just have to stop and ask yourself: "Is it all worth it? Why am I doing what I am doing?" Questions which deserve serious contemplation and truthful answers that can only come from periods of honest and brutal self-reflection.
I understand, and agree wholeheartedly, that if this self-analysis is not guided and led by Holy Spirit, it most likely will lead to greater guilt and shame, at beholding the darkness in ones heart. Those created to walk in light, at seeing the opposite lurking within, if they are not careful, will stumble and fall into the pit filled with well-intentioned human strength and deeds. Going at it in the darkness, on your own merits and strength, will only serve to drag you deeper into the mire. I've fallen and gotten stuck in this pit one too many times and can give you a play by play of what goes on there. But I won't, simply because It won't do you any good. Talking about the dark and what goes on inside it is futile; it brings no good result, in my opinion. I will only speak of the darkness if it will help shed greater revelation of God's love. In every dark place I have found myself in, I have encountered the same thing time and time again; men and women yearning and dying to be love. Sadly, love that is not sacrificial tends to be the wrong kind of love. A love that cannot and will not set you free and propel you into greater depths freedom is no love worth falling into.
For years, I opened myself up unabashedly to the celebration of sexual expression. As a young gay man, I gave myself wholeheartedly to the pursuit of physical pleasure believing that somehow, during one of those lascivious sessions where sweat coupled with body fluids intermingled with my voracious thirst as my mouth and body fed on whatever was before me, I would at last find my own personal nirvana. So I thought. Each and every time, no matter how good the momentary sensations may have been, I always walked away just as empty if not all the more void of my quest for love. Eventually, I ended confusing love with lust. Whatever my eyes looked at and feasted on, it wanted all the more deeply inside me. All this only compounded my desperate need to be loved unconditionally.
Aprendi...I learned that such love, for me, will never be found in the arms of just any man. This, added to the physical consequences of my past promiscuity has brought me to the sincere personal conviction and present life vocation. I embrace singleness as the standard to uphold. Celibacy has become to me the discipline of a man who accepts the call to set himself apart. Celibacy has become my daily undergarment. I will no longer unite this body to another until it is at last made one with the head of the household I have been called, chosen, and adopted to belong forever to.
I only regret it took this long to finally find the willingness and determination to adhere to my life calling. Please understand me, when I embrace the role of a Modern Day Eunuch described in Matthew 19:12, I am neither one born that way but one made this way by the defilement of men upon my body. I have spoken about this in the past and will continue to elaborate upon it in the future since I believe others like me may benefit from my transparent and at times brutal confessions.
For the sake of the One who called me, went all out to go find me, and snatch me out of the burning fire, I now dedicate my life to getting to know and be known by. It will take a lifetime to do so and even then I will require all of eternity to fully grasp and comprehend. This brightest of stars, who gave up his position of omnipresence, by taking on the form of man, is forever worthy to be followed. When I think of how Jesus did this for me, I can't help but want to live in return and get to know Him in all His fullness.
Which answers the question deep inside begging to be looked at and answered. Yes, it is well worth it because HE is WORTHY. My relationship with Him up till now attests to it. He was the only man who has and continues to love me with such sacrificial and undying love which leads me to understand in part why their was no one else in all of creation who was worthy to take the scroll in Heaven and open it. Such magnificence I long to come closer to and look upon with unshielded gaze.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
I understand, and agree wholeheartedly, that if this self-analysis is not guided and led by Holy Spirit, it most likely will lead to greater guilt and shame, at beholding the darkness in ones heart. Those created to walk in light, at seeing the opposite lurking within, if they are not careful, will stumble and fall into the pit filled with well-intentioned human strength and deeds. Going at it in the darkness, on your own merits and strength, will only serve to drag you deeper into the mire. I've fallen and gotten stuck in this pit one too many times and can give you a play by play of what goes on there. But I won't, simply because It won't do you any good. Talking about the dark and what goes on inside it is futile; it brings no good result, in my opinion. I will only speak of the darkness if it will help shed greater revelation of God's love. In every dark place I have found myself in, I have encountered the same thing time and time again; men and women yearning and dying to be love. Sadly, love that is not sacrificial tends to be the wrong kind of love. A love that cannot and will not set you free and propel you into greater depths freedom is no love worth falling into.
For years, I opened myself up unabashedly to the celebration of sexual expression. As a young gay man, I gave myself wholeheartedly to the pursuit of physical pleasure believing that somehow, during one of those lascivious sessions where sweat coupled with body fluids intermingled with my voracious thirst as my mouth and body fed on whatever was before me, I would at last find my own personal nirvana. So I thought. Each and every time, no matter how good the momentary sensations may have been, I always walked away just as empty if not all the more void of my quest for love. Eventually, I ended confusing love with lust. Whatever my eyes looked at and feasted on, it wanted all the more deeply inside me. All this only compounded my desperate need to be loved unconditionally.
Aprendi...I learned that such love, for me, will never be found in the arms of just any man. This, added to the physical consequences of my past promiscuity has brought me to the sincere personal conviction and present life vocation. I embrace singleness as the standard to uphold. Celibacy has become to me the discipline of a man who accepts the call to set himself apart. Celibacy has become my daily undergarment. I will no longer unite this body to another until it is at last made one with the head of the household I have been called, chosen, and adopted to belong forever to.
I only regret it took this long to finally find the willingness and determination to adhere to my life calling. Please understand me, when I embrace the role of a Modern Day Eunuch described in Matthew 19:12, I am neither one born that way but one made this way by the defilement of men upon my body. I have spoken about this in the past and will continue to elaborate upon it in the future since I believe others like me may benefit from my transparent and at times brutal confessions.
For the sake of the One who called me, went all out to go find me, and snatch me out of the burning fire, I now dedicate my life to getting to know and be known by. It will take a lifetime to do so and even then I will require all of eternity to fully grasp and comprehend. This brightest of stars, who gave up his position of omnipresence, by taking on the form of man, is forever worthy to be followed. When I think of how Jesus did this for me, I can't help but want to live in return and get to know Him in all His fullness.
Which answers the question deep inside begging to be looked at and answered. Yes, it is well worth it because HE is WORTHY. My relationship with Him up till now attests to it. He was the only man who has and continues to love me with such sacrificial and undying love which leads me to understand in part why their was no one else in all of creation who was worthy to take the scroll in Heaven and open it. Such magnificence I long to come closer to and look upon with unshielded gaze.
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Momentary Afflictions
I reconnected with someone I haven't seen or heard from in years and in the exchange of the customary "How have you been?" question the million dollar question came up: "Are you Happy?"
Yes I am. I have come to the point in my life where I can truthfully say that in any situation I may find myself in, I choose to be happy and truly content. Truly.
This past year alone my eyes have opened to the reality that happiness is but a state of mind. It is an emotion coveted by the human race and one of the few pursuits built into and advocated for in our Bill of Rights as Americans. I find that to be interesting and completely understandable. Who in this life, in this world full of strife and pain, does not want to attain to the full measure of happiness? I sure do. I was created to be happy. Unfortunately, in a broken world where human nature is altered and crippled by the effects of original sin, humanity must have to endure at times periods of unhappiness. Don't know a soul who hasn't had to wrestle with this fact and found themselves many times chasing it down. Happiness can be elusive at most. Some days, I have been known to be caught up in the vicious cycle desperately trying to be happy. Yes, even when I have felt that I had done everything in my power and followed the established protocols and expectations in order to reach that state of being, well, it was not to be had. It can make a man downright depressed!
My personal battle with anger and bitterness, served as a means of ensuring my happiness was short lived or circumvented. I could laugh and celebrate life like the best of people but at the end of the day, I found myself empty-handed and void of whatever semblance of happiness I thought I possessed. At the core, I was deeply unsatisfied with my life. I was not content with the work of my hands. I suffered from a condition known to many of never measuring up to the expectations of others and allowing that to affect and alter how I viewed and felt about myself. I based my happiness on this and it only served to make feel incomplete and unsatisfied. It wasn't until I finally reached the end of myself, and more importantly, my vain striving, that I was finally able to turn the corner. And in turning that corner I came to the following personal truths, truths which have set me free.
First and foremost, I realized I wasn't created to go at this alone. I really do need a personal God to see me through and help me maneuver the choppy waters of life. Yes, a faithful navigator. But in order to allow him to take over the reins I had to acknowledge how much He truly cares and loves me...even if life is not going my way. Too many times when things were going wrong I'd tend to blame God since He was all-powerful and could easily make my life easy and blessed if He truly loved me. I finally came to the realization that even though He does love and care for me I need to understand that it is through the hard times that I come closer to experiencing His touch in my life. Those momentary troubles and afflictions that come in with the ebbs and flows of life are the very things that allow us to see His hand at work in us. Hands working towards shaping and molding us into His perfect image. But this is a process, a painful one at that, which requires patience and time; the two components we lack the most, at times.
I've always hated how people at seeing my brokenness have tried to fix me. Deep down I resented it. I viewed it as a confirmation of how I perceived and viewed myself; unworthy and unfit to be loved. In part, I know now I gave people too much power and control over my life and my crippling issues. It wasn't until I finally found myself at the end once again considering suicide that this truth became clear to me- Brokenness is good. It is in this state that I'm able to best reflect the treasures hidden deep inside me. It is through brokenness that I am able to demonstrate faithfully that my life and the measure of the happiness I have attained or have yet to attain is not dependent on what I can or cannot do for myself but on the level of trust and faith I place on the One who loves every part of me in my brokenness. He cherishes me in my brokenness. He designed me to be whole but in the meantime, He is able to use the cracks in my foundation, as well as the gaping holes still under construction, to demonstrate His surpassing glory to others. We are all works in progress who are destined to be heirs with God and co-heirs with Christ. I believe this with all my heart and once a truth makes it down from the realm of the mind and penetrates the heart, it begins to manifest in what we do, say, and how we feel.
All this to say that I am happy now, even if I am incomplete or broken and still struggling to define my path in the journey set before me. As I shared with a co-worker this past week and encouraged her to do in her brokenness..."just accept it and let the goodness spill out and bless others". I endeavor to do this very thing which I believe will bring glory and honor to the One who I embrace with all my heart and emotions, the One I kneel before and confess as my Faithful Friend, Brother, Husband, and King. How can I not be happy with someone so great by my side?
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Yes I am. I have come to the point in my life where I can truthfully say that in any situation I may find myself in, I choose to be happy and truly content. Truly.
This past year alone my eyes have opened to the reality that happiness is but a state of mind. It is an emotion coveted by the human race and one of the few pursuits built into and advocated for in our Bill of Rights as Americans. I find that to be interesting and completely understandable. Who in this life, in this world full of strife and pain, does not want to attain to the full measure of happiness? I sure do. I was created to be happy. Unfortunately, in a broken world where human nature is altered and crippled by the effects of original sin, humanity must have to endure at times periods of unhappiness. Don't know a soul who hasn't had to wrestle with this fact and found themselves many times chasing it down. Happiness can be elusive at most. Some days, I have been known to be caught up in the vicious cycle desperately trying to be happy. Yes, even when I have felt that I had done everything in my power and followed the established protocols and expectations in order to reach that state of being, well, it was not to be had. It can make a man downright depressed!
My personal battle with anger and bitterness, served as a means of ensuring my happiness was short lived or circumvented. I could laugh and celebrate life like the best of people but at the end of the day, I found myself empty-handed and void of whatever semblance of happiness I thought I possessed. At the core, I was deeply unsatisfied with my life. I was not content with the work of my hands. I suffered from a condition known to many of never measuring up to the expectations of others and allowing that to affect and alter how I viewed and felt about myself. I based my happiness on this and it only served to make feel incomplete and unsatisfied. It wasn't until I finally reached the end of myself, and more importantly, my vain striving, that I was finally able to turn the corner. And in turning that corner I came to the following personal truths, truths which have set me free.
First and foremost, I realized I wasn't created to go at this alone. I really do need a personal God to see me through and help me maneuver the choppy waters of life. Yes, a faithful navigator. But in order to allow him to take over the reins I had to acknowledge how much He truly cares and loves me...even if life is not going my way. Too many times when things were going wrong I'd tend to blame God since He was all-powerful and could easily make my life easy and blessed if He truly loved me. I finally came to the realization that even though He does love and care for me I need to understand that it is through the hard times that I come closer to experiencing His touch in my life. Those momentary troubles and afflictions that come in with the ebbs and flows of life are the very things that allow us to see His hand at work in us. Hands working towards shaping and molding us into His perfect image. But this is a process, a painful one at that, which requires patience and time; the two components we lack the most, at times.
I've always hated how people at seeing my brokenness have tried to fix me. Deep down I resented it. I viewed it as a confirmation of how I perceived and viewed myself; unworthy and unfit to be loved. In part, I know now I gave people too much power and control over my life and my crippling issues. It wasn't until I finally found myself at the end once again considering suicide that this truth became clear to me- Brokenness is good. It is in this state that I'm able to best reflect the treasures hidden deep inside me. It is through brokenness that I am able to demonstrate faithfully that my life and the measure of the happiness I have attained or have yet to attain is not dependent on what I can or cannot do for myself but on the level of trust and faith I place on the One who loves every part of me in my brokenness. He cherishes me in my brokenness. He designed me to be whole but in the meantime, He is able to use the cracks in my foundation, as well as the gaping holes still under construction, to demonstrate His surpassing glory to others. We are all works in progress who are destined to be heirs with God and co-heirs with Christ. I believe this with all my heart and once a truth makes it down from the realm of the mind and penetrates the heart, it begins to manifest in what we do, say, and how we feel.
All this to say that I am happy now, even if I am incomplete or broken and still struggling to define my path in the journey set before me. As I shared with a co-worker this past week and encouraged her to do in her brokenness..."just accept it and let the goodness spill out and bless others". I endeavor to do this very thing which I believe will bring glory and honor to the One who I embrace with all my heart and emotions, the One I kneel before and confess as my Faithful Friend, Brother, Husband, and King. How can I not be happy with someone so great by my side?
This work is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-Noncommercial-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)