I consider myself fortunate to have many more supportive people than adversaries surrounding me. People who have loved me through the many traumatic events of my life and when the fear of rejection has reared its ugly head, have come alongside me and reminded me of my worth in God's eyes. Today was no less different. I made my way to Church with a heavy heart and full of fearful expectation that today would be the day when my worst fears would finally manifest and deal me a heavy and irreversible blow. This is the irrational thing about fears; it tends to loom bigger and more ominous than the truth and light of God's affirming touch. At least, this is how it tends to feel during those moments when one starts to doubt that love could ever remain faithful. Yet, this love comes through every single time, and gently reminds me how unyielding it is in the presence of my doubts and fears. This amazing love, somehow always wins me over and brings me safely to the other side.
It has been an extremely long week for me as I have dealt with the lies of rejection. Same old lies.
"You are not good enough..."
"People will turn away from you and abandon you for good."
"God Himself can't love you..."
And so on. It's enough to make grown men want to lie down and hide under the covers for days on end.
Can't really tell you what led to this present bout at the present moment since I want to be careful not to fall under the old patterns of lashing out against those I believe have in any way let me down or betrayed me. No, this time around I am determined to allow myself and others the benefit of believing the best about a given situation and not jump to conclusions. But it hurts like hell nonetheless. Rejection falls over my shoulders like an ill-fitted leaden garment. It slows my steps and causes me to move cumbersomely. I lose the will to dance when rejection makes it presence known.
Through it all, I want to believe and trust God that no matter how bad things may look or feel, I will get through it and become a better person because of whatever I may have to endure for the moment.
All this to say, regardless of what my emotions say about my situation, I am in a good place and well on the path to experiencing greater levels of truth and freedom; two key elements of wholeness and health in overcoming rejection. Call it blind optimism but deep down I believe that "All things work for the good of those who love God, and are called according to His purposes." I believe it. I hold firmly to it in the face of my overwhelming and irrational fears.
Perfect love casts out all fear.
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