As I lay here and wait for healing to manifest itself from the countless prayers being offered up daily on my behalf, I wrestle with this demon called depression. As much as I hate to admit it and give voice to it, I am one seriously depressed brother. It is killing me to have to accept I am powerless to move this process along. No matter how much I pray and others pray for me, I cannot move things along any further or any faster. Healing will come when healing comes. I have not the secret formula or gimmick to speed up this most painful and excruciatingly agonizing experience.
As much as I want to go at this alone like many other experiences dominated by the single and unmarried life, this dreaded tumor keeps me dependent on others, who ultimately may or may not be there for me when it is needed most. As grateful as I am for the many volunteers who have stepped forward and stepped into the role of caretaker and provider, there are times I still find myself alone and desperately seeking for someone, anyone, to step in and assist me. Truth be known, I cannot do anything alone or independently of others when it pertains to this dreaded cancer. I no longer can get around without the physical assistance of another being. My car sits idle in a garage while I have to depend on people to chauffeur me back and forth to and from my medical appointments. I have to depend on what I affectionately have termed "Chemo wives" to escort me to my appointments. I attempted to go at it alone once but in all reality just wasn't able to. Depressing.
I require another human being to sit with me and assist with basic needs. Getting around is slow and only adds to the physical pain I am presently experiencing. What a welcomed sight and relief it is to me when someone else comes alongside me and provides me with much needed assistance, Yet more often than not, I find myself having to go at it solo. I've had my share of lonely days at home. Being alone when your mobility is limited is downright depressing! When getting out of bed and walking thirty paces to retrieve a glass of water turns into a triathlon or walking down a flight of stairs to open a door turns into what I can only equate with climbing Mt. St. Helens, then you will begin to understand why having another human being with you is beyond helpful but necessary, you will begin to see why two is better than one.
My poor parents, who have been keeping me company since this whole ordeal began, have begun to lose steam. At their age and living out-of-state, all the back and forth seems to have worn them out to the point that they now come up with excuses for not being able to stick around for more than a few days at a time (a far cry from the three week stints they used to commit to). With that said, they'll be heading back home bright and early Saturday morning, leaving me to fend for myself once again. I honestly wish I could pack up and leave with them.
No matter how much others around me may attempt to fill the void at the end of the day, I am left alone to do my best.
I honestly don't want to be depressed about this. There have been worse situations I have been in and seen myself out of. This will be, no doubt, yet another experience to live and tell about. Depression may seep in and bring me down but it will not overcome me! This I do promise to myself. I will find creative ways to fight off these feelings and inconveniences. Spending time in Massachusetts at my parents home will not be possible right now since I have too many medical appointments to tend to here at home. I will simply have to buckle down and turn the "blahs" into an arsenal of bountiful blessings. I will overcome just like I was designed to do. Not in my own strength, of course, but with the might of the Holy Spirit. And in the meantime, never, ever give up hope that others will come to my rescue and ultimately I will not go through any part of this journey alone.
He did not bring me out this far to leave me, nor forsake me, but to display His glory and splendor for all to see and believe.
As much as I want to go at this alone like many other experiences dominated by the single and unmarried life, this dreaded tumor keeps me dependent on others, who ultimately may or may not be there for me when it is needed most. As grateful as I am for the many volunteers who have stepped forward and stepped into the role of caretaker and provider, there are times I still find myself alone and desperately seeking for someone, anyone, to step in and assist me. Truth be known, I cannot do anything alone or independently of others when it pertains to this dreaded cancer. I no longer can get around without the physical assistance of another being. My car sits idle in a garage while I have to depend on people to chauffeur me back and forth to and from my medical appointments. I have to depend on what I affectionately have termed "Chemo wives" to escort me to my appointments. I attempted to go at it alone once but in all reality just wasn't able to. Depressing.
I require another human being to sit with me and assist with basic needs. Getting around is slow and only adds to the physical pain I am presently experiencing. What a welcomed sight and relief it is to me when someone else comes alongside me and provides me with much needed assistance, Yet more often than not, I find myself having to go at it solo. I've had my share of lonely days at home. Being alone when your mobility is limited is downright depressing! When getting out of bed and walking thirty paces to retrieve a glass of water turns into a triathlon or walking down a flight of stairs to open a door turns into what I can only equate with climbing Mt. St. Helens, then you will begin to understand why having another human being with you is beyond helpful but necessary, you will begin to see why two is better than one.
My poor parents, who have been keeping me company since this whole ordeal began, have begun to lose steam. At their age and living out-of-state, all the back and forth seems to have worn them out to the point that they now come up with excuses for not being able to stick around for more than a few days at a time (a far cry from the three week stints they used to commit to). With that said, they'll be heading back home bright and early Saturday morning, leaving me to fend for myself once again. I honestly wish I could pack up and leave with them.
No matter how much others around me may attempt to fill the void at the end of the day, I am left alone to do my best.
I honestly don't want to be depressed about this. There have been worse situations I have been in and seen myself out of. This will be, no doubt, yet another experience to live and tell about. Depression may seep in and bring me down but it will not overcome me! This I do promise to myself. I will find creative ways to fight off these feelings and inconveniences. Spending time in Massachusetts at my parents home will not be possible right now since I have too many medical appointments to tend to here at home. I will simply have to buckle down and turn the "blahs" into an arsenal of bountiful blessings. I will overcome just like I was designed to do. Not in my own strength, of course, but with the might of the Holy Spirit. And in the meantime, never, ever give up hope that others will come to my rescue and ultimately I will not go through any part of this journey alone.
He did not bring me out this far to leave me, nor forsake me, but to display His glory and splendor for all to see and believe.
Thank you for sharing your most inner heartfelt thoughts.You bless me. Many cannot even comprehend what you are actually going through but your gift of writing hits home. I love you my brother and I do not tire or cease to pray for you because I know we serve a Living God who is merciful, full of grace and the Great Physician!! Te amo!!
ReplyDeleteIdilio- this post resonated so deeply with me. thank you so much for sharing, and for allowing me to become dependent on you.
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