Addicted

This song pretty much sums up what I am feeling right now. Some addictions are good!




Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Laughing Through My Troubles

Jesus, take the wheel because I'm about to run somebody over!

Well, I knew the day was fast approaching. If you have been reading my posts lately, you'll know about the drama I've been experiencing lately in a certain sector of my life. Unfortunately, due to the fact that this blog is accessible to everyone I can't get into the gory details but believe me when I tell you things are fast coming to a head. The boom is about to drop and when the dust settles it is anybody's guess who will still be standing. This I know for certain, even if my enemy seems to get the upper-hand, I am going to put all my trust in God and come through this like gold refined through the fire. God gives and takes away but He never abandons or forsakes us...never. He sticks closer than a friend. A close friend at that.

If you are reading this and you are a praying person, would you join me in my only request at the moment? I am praying for a pure heart, a heart that will bless and not curse. Please lift me up in this because deep down I want to justify myself and blast whoever is treating me unfairly. Lies are being leveled against me. My integrity and character are being maligned. Understandably, I want to stand up and say: "Bitch! Who do you think you are messing with?" Want to go there so badly but I realize it will only make matters worse. Just because my flesh and heart want to explode and unite and start a riot does not mean I have to go along with it. Besides, my heart is already floating with enough notions of hate and adding actions behind it will serve no good whatsoever. So I write about it and expose it to the light, leaving it there to burn up and wither away.

I'm at the place in my life where I can almost feel eternity brushing the top of my head. A deep sense of what lies on the other side of these momentary troubles has overcome and gripped my soul. I am more convinced than ever how this life is nothing more than a dress rehearsal for the truly amazing life that is yet to come. Everything here on this earthly plane is but a foretaste. Soon, be it tomorrow, a week from now, or one hundred years from now, I will finally stand beyond the veil and look fully on the face of Redeeming Love. This being my sense of reality, I need to stop and refrain from sinning in my anger because I want to do what is right. I want to hear God say of me: "Well done, good and faithful servant".

I have relieved that moment countless times in my mind and spirit; me entering to thunderous applause from countless angels who welcome me into the holy space of the ancient Throne. I finally catch a glimpse of my King and as our eyes meet, my face awash in tears of gratitude, He suddenly places his hand on his chest and as if to stop his heart from beating out of his chest suddenly throws back his head and lets out the most infectious exuberant laugh. The sound I have always heard but until then never realized was His laugh manifesting in and through me. Then, together at last, will we laugh in unison over our enemies; those who foolishly thought they could keep us apart. Ha!

Going to do my part here to keep my composure and bless those who curse and persecute me because no matter what, from this experience I am learning that I am loved and cared for.

No weapon formed against me shall prosper!

I am overcoming by the word of my testimony...

Those who put their hope in God, will never be put to shame.

"I'll show up and take care of you as I promised and bring you back home. I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for. "-Jeremiah 29:11 (The Message)

Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

In Pursuit of Healthy Loneliness

I attended my first Single's Retreat in I don't know how long. I have avoided such events like the plague. The reason for such aversion is due to my misguided fear such events are nothing more than "hook-up" events where I would feel completely inadequate and ill-equipped. While some people may  go to "Singles" events with that purpose in mind it is completely unfair of me to think that everyone I would meet would be looking for the magical diamond ring on their left finger. I can be so critical and judgmental whenever confronted by my fears. I tend to project on others in order to avoid looking within myself. I am always terrified of what I will find inside the dark places of my heart. If it were not for God's love always meeting me in the overwhelming darkness, I might never find my way out. But I do, time and time again, emerging from the tomb of my damaged emotions having heard the voice of my Friend calling me out. I can't help but respond to the sound of His voice- makes me overcome my grave clothes. He fills me with faith and always covers my nakedness.

 I was able to see this past weekend that I am not as alone as I often feel. The fact that I am single and presently am faced with the possibility of remaining single for the rest of my life does not disqualify me from being in loving community with others. I am just as much a valued and integral member of my community as any other married person. If I allow it, I am able to see the awesome gift I have been given in my singleness. Just because I do not have a partner does not mean I am incomplete or lacking. I can still be whole and effective in life without a partner...if I allow myself to be.

This weekend I met people just like myself...going through their own struggles and issues. I met people who in sharing their hearts with me told me they can go weeks without having any significant amount of touch and affection from others. It broke my heart to hear this. I wanted to empathize with them and say "Me too" but as lonely as I may feel at times, I am not deficient of wholesome embraces and touch. God has faithfully placed me, "the lonely", amongst loving families. He has given me amazing friends, neighbors, co-workers and adopted households.

I have friends who know me and see me as I am and still love me- even when I turn on them out of fear and frustration. I think of those in my life right now who meet with me and allow me the joy and comfort of their loving and nurturing embraces. We spend quality time together and share with one another from the heart.

Even though I am going through a rough patch at my workplace I have to admit I have incredible co-workers. Selfless. Loving. Affirming. Gracious towards me. Always available to receive a peck on the cheek and a cheerful hug. I appreciate them for letting me be me and the privilege of sharing in their joys and sorrows. 

It turns out this past weekend was in fact an amazing time of fellowship, strengthening of friendships, new connections, and reassurance that God faithfully "places the lonely in families". I am in a good place to say the least. Learning to embrace my singleness while reaching out to others in the pursuit of healthy community. I am very excited to see what the near future holds (can't believe I just wrote that). What a difference a day makes.


Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

Facebook Fever

Having given up Facebook for Lent is killing me! I feel like I am missing out on so much. I'm not sure what it is but it "feels" like something big. I keep having to tell myself: "if anything major happens I will definitely hear about it". At least I hope so.

Feeling a bit cut-off from the rest of the world. Ridiculous, I know but it just goes to show you how addicted I was to Facebook and all the escape it provided me. I could and would get lost for hours on end playing Farmville,  looking at people's photo's, searching news feeds, and once in awhile chatting. The latter became too much for me since I have a hard time concentrating for too long yet suck at multi-tasking. Go figure.

I gave up Facebook in order to make more room to concentrate on other things but it seems I spend most of my time wondering, thinking, wishing I was logged on instead of doing the other things I was hoping to get around to doing. Granted, I have been blogging and writing more, which is a good thing but I definitely feel out of sorts at the moment. Friendster and Myspace never had me like this. Praying for my fever to subside.















Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

I Live to Sing Another Day

Nothing is worse than to look in the mirror and be disgusted at what you see.

I sometimes fall into the grave error of wanting and thinking I can be everything everybody else wants me to be. It causes me so much grief at not being able to meet up to the expectations of others. Friends who want you to be a better friend. Relatives who expect you to be and act towards them a certain way. Colleagues at work who leave little or no room for error in your work performance. Brothers and Sisters who are hurting, seeking answers, and look to you and your spiritual gifts to provide them what they are lacking. The list goes on and on and after awhile you find yourself so thinly spread out you wonder if anything will be left of yourself in the end to meet your own needs. How do you stop a runaway train? How do you slow down long enough to regroup and reassess your situation before having to take off running again? The answer I find in my own personal life, time and time again, is a resounding "I can't" but I know who can.

In a world where "self-divinity" (the belief that you are your own master and god) is gaining greater acceptance and as people abandon the old "archaic" ways of religion, which traditionally espouse complete and utter dependence on a higher power, I find myself, yet again, in the minority. I tried the whole "look at me...I am a god" way of thinking and living only to find myself screwing things up even worse. If I am my own god then I definitely don't have what it takes to make it on my own. This "I am a god" business may work for some but it has done absolutely nothing for me but further confirm in my being that I am not not my own. That I suck at divinity in and of myself. Everything in me testifies to the need for a helper and savior- a greater power outside of myself.

These last few days have proven to me yet again, how when I take my eyes off of God and place them on myself and my own shortcomings, I end up losing sight of what truly matters most. He came to lead the way, to show me by example the path I should walk and abide in. Unfortunately for me, this path does not come easy for me to walk out. It is not impossible though. It gets easier as I yield and learn to submit but every so often I get a case of "holy amnesia" and commit unholy acts. Actions that produce shame and guilt, which if not dealt with can and will drag me to the bottom and rob me of hope to ever get back up again.

But I get up.

I stand to my feet and call on His name...not mine.
I remind myself how much He loves me. How He cares and watches over me.
Wait patiently for Him to lift me up.

So I stand in the darkness and take courage.
Sing a song of trust as I wait for His radiance.
The light of His truth sets me free from unspoken shame

And I rise up, rise up, on wings of eagles
high above the lying and deceitful traps
and live to sing another day of His great mercy and grace.

Won't you rise up with me and together let us find rest.
The Lord of the Angel-Armies will soon reveal His glory
in us His eternal place of joy and rest.

Him in us, the Hope of Glory.
Glory.
Glory.

T.G.I.S. (Thank God It's Sabbath)

I've been asked to write and share about my Sabbath-keeping experience. I am more than happy to do so but before I get into it I need to clear the air surrounding the subject. How can something so good and wholesome create so much tension and resistance? This has been the question I have wrestled with these last few days in regards to New Life Fellowship’s initiative and invitation to keep Sabbath during this Lent season. Time and time again, I have found myself having to defend my decision to keep Sabbath (a twenty-four hour period of uninterrupted nothingness and rest). I have met a great deal of opinions and negativity (from non-New Life members) when I have shared about my recent journey and struggles in getting to know Jesus more intimately and personally through Sabbath-keeping.

It seems I have spent a great deal of time having to justify my decision to observe Sabbath. There are very strong opinions on the matter. I'm still processing the emotions that are swirling inside me and since I am committed to a gentler, kinder "Idilio" I have chosen to sit it out for the time being and not respond with my gut reaction. With that said, I am praying for wisdom in how to respond to the  nay-sayers and critics regarding my personal free will choice to incorporate Sabbath. Suffice it to say, for the time being, yes it is annoying to me how something so wholesome and beneficial creates such controversy but I guess this is the way it is always with things that are worthwhile and meaningful.

I decided (a few months ago) to get into the weekly habit of committing to a Sabbath. Well guess what? I found it almost near impossible to stop, rest, contemplate, and delight.  Looking back, I remember vividly the inner struggle I was confronted with when I decided to say yes to the experimental invitation of observing the Sabbath. The first hurdle I recall having to overcome was my aversion to silence. I am not a friend of silence. If you know me you can attest to my personal preference for all things loud. I laugh hard. I walk and run heavy footed. I love to lift my voice in resounding booming prayer. I never have a problem raising my voice but feel like I am being punished when asked to observe silence. I prefer shouting for joy over contemplation any day of the week!

I am a friend of noise.

Maybe, I'm going deaf in my middle age but I like my music, TV, and conversations on high volume.  I hate funerals and libraries. I can sleep through a howling thunderstorm. I love that the pipes clang and bang all through the night while I sleep. I cringe when Pastor Pete or Drew or Rich or anyone for that matter kindly requests we take a minute or two to observe silence. I find it almost impossible to center myself since I have lived my whole life off-balance. Only at bedtime is silence appropriate. This is me most days .ARE YOU SENSING MY NATURAL AVERSION TO SSHHH...quiet, please?

It has been a definite challenge to commit to slowing down, stopping, and turning the volume down.I hope to share with you in more detail my struggles and personal observations with Sabbath-keeping in future posts. I am writing a piece about my personal fears about silence and how facing it head on has set me on a smoother path to doing what I do best; the act of delighting (my favorite part of Sabbath). And yes, I am finding delight. I am discovering the rhythms God has uniquely placed in me and set aside for me to discover. But as I mentioned earlier and know  personally to be true, everything worthwhile and of benefit must come at a price. The invitation to surrender is the willful act of stopping and resting. I am sure you  the same is being asked of you and wondering if it is worth it. You alone can answer that for yourself. All I can do is share from my heart my own personal struggles with this alien concept called "Sabbath" and hope it encourages you in your own personal journey.

All I can tell you from where I stand, months into the practice, is that Sabbath is a two-way street and if given half the chance will undoubtedly produce divine encounters of the first kind; spirit to spirit lasting connections. I kid you not nor am I trying to sell you on this when I tell you that something is slowly happening to me that although too early to tell seems to have brought me closer to enjoying God and vice-versa. We serve The Lord of the Sabbath; the God who gives us rest on every side. We just have  to simply say "yes" to His holy invitation and give it half a chance. Believe me, He will gladly do the rest and before you know it you will be counting the hours until you are seated around the table and about to light the Sabbath candle. What a welcoming and bright glow it does emanate to every burdened and weary heart.


Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.

The Monster in the Goblet with Ashes

I attended my first Ash Wednesday service tonight in over twenty-five years. Back then I was a child being brought up in the Roman Catholic faith. Never did quite understand what ashes had to do with attending church but as every dutiful and obedient Catholic is taught to do, I went to mass trailing after my grandmother to receive my mark. I stood close by behind her and imitated her actions. The long line made its way up the nave where a rosy cheeked priest in flowing garments, with a bowl in his hands, greeted the parishioners. I don't have a clue what the priest said to me when I finally made it to the front but I do remember leaving there looking like everyone else... black soot imprinted on my forehead in the shape of a cross. 

If I recall correctly, this was one of the few times when I was able to join in with the adults since receiving communion was not yet open to me due to my young age. Back then, as today I wanted so much to belong. I wanted to be a part of something that everyone around me was participating in. Who wants to ever be left out? Not me. Not ever. So if ashes on the forehead was good enough for grandma and everyone else in Saint Anthony's Cathedral on Manhattan Avenue it was good enough for me. I wore my black mark with such pride. I remember getting home and running to my parent's bedroom to get a good look of myself in the mirror. That day way back when I looked like every other Catholic in Greenpoint, Brooklyn.  I was part of something bigger and greater than myself. I walked around all day with great pride showing off my charcoal cross with beaming and exultant pride.

Well, there I stood tonight at my church, waiting patiently for Drew Hyun or Jackie Snapes, members of my church's Pastoral staff, to do the deed on my forehead. Unfortunately, tonight it was not like way back when I was a child. All the years of religious prejudice and intolerance, of being told from the fire and brimstone pentecostal pulpits of my youth how anything Catholic was of the devil and not worthy of imitating got the better part of me. I know this  will sound silly to you but as I made my way to the front I was overcome with irrational fear. I could hear the fiery preacher of yesteryear leaning forward wide-eyed and desperate grabbing the microphone with one hand as he wiped the rivers of sweat running down his maniacal face, shouting at the top of his lungs for all in the Brooklyn night to hear: " She (the Catholic Church) is the Great Whore of the Book of Revelations where every type of demonic spirit and entity dwells!!! Come out of her! Come out of her, my people, or be damned to Hell with her if you don't!!!" Such fiery demonstration of passion wasted on tearing down the beliefs and practices of others. I am ashamed to have ever wholeheartedly partaken of such narrow-minded condemnation of my brothers and sisters in the Catholic faith. But what can you expect from an impressionable fifteen year old who wanted nothing more than to belong and be on the right side of God? Tonight, as the line slowly progressed and I inched closer to the goblet with ashes, I gave in to my fears and when it was finally my turn to be "ashed" I kindly requested it be placed on my right hand instead. Jackie obliged me and lovingly drew near to my ear as she prayed and reminded me that "from dust I was created and to ashes I would one day return " and boy would I be missed!" when that day comes. We both laughed and enjoyed the moment before I moved on and took my place on the next line, on my way to be reminded of my wedding vows to Jesus, my Fiery and passionate Bridegroom.


Looking back I see my folly, my despicable judgmental spirit that marred what would have been a perfect night of contemplative worship to my Lord. I publicly repent from ever using my "ruler"tonight to bash others made in His image. For with the same measure I judge others so shall I be judged, hence my heartfelt desire is to wield my ruler with mercy and let God do the perfect work of judging His creation as he alone sees fit. How I wish tonight I would have been able to step back and overcome my long held prejudices. I am amazed how the simple act of smearing ashes on a forehead can set people off and create towering walls of division. We think we know God's mind so well. We convince ourselves that our way of doing things is the only right and acceptable way. We even throw scripture around to justify our hatred and disapproval of others and mask it with righteous reverence unto God. But God sees through our denial and bullshit. There is no mocking God...none. He sees through it all and I can just imagine Him chuckling at our self-righteousness.


In my Father's House there are many rooms, which will be full of varying degrees of holy expressions of worship. If it were not so, Jesus would have never used this analogy of Heaven. If we think otherwise then we are sadly mistaken and in for a big let down. Each room will hold a facet of God's creative and expressible nature. The contemplative, the bombastic, the liturgical, the over the top, the serene, the hilarious, as well as the deafening silence will all have a place in my Father's holy mountain. And I want to be able to go in and out from each room with great ease and see the sacredness of it all...partake and be one with God's holy household. I want to be at home in every room. I want to savor every holy expression without fear or prejudice, without looking down at anything or anyone. Not that heaven will have any fear or prejudice but I definitely do not want to have to spend any moment of eternity having to be desensitized and re-programmed in order to enjoy God's fullness. I can in my finite imagination see rooms in Heaven where old men and women who were accustomed and convinced that demure and meek expressions of worship were the only acceptable forms pf reverence and worship, being shown images of Head-banger Angelic beings thrashing and moshing for Jesus....while in another room white aryans being shown moving images of Jesus with an Afro and skin as dark as night dancing the hustle...lol! Oh Heaven, I can only wonder what surprises and heart-stopping shocking things we will finally have to witness and even worse, for some, have to finally come to terms with.


Whether we like it or not, Heaven will have every imaginable expression of worship present. Angels will be shouting while others will be prostrate as if dead in their tracks. Incense will fill the air while peals of thunder and lightning will join shooting stars as they race forth to celebrate around the rainbow of colors surrounding the spinning throne of the Almighty. Spontaneous songs will be sung as well as perfectly orchestrated anthems. And there I hope to be, overcome with such fits of laughter and hysterics that any god-fearing librarian would drop dead in encountering. 

My personal prayer is that God will set me free from my man-made traditions and biases and bring me to a place where I will be able to worship Him in Spirit and in Truth. Honestly, I do not know what that looks like yet because I am too full of my own carnal understanding and pride to see clearly beyond the veil. But this I know, I press on to know Him in all His fullness even if it causes the daughters of  Propriety to deride me and the sons of Solemnity to shun me. So be it. Not only am I looking forward to being set free from the opinion of others but I am longing for the day when I will no longer be swayed by the definitions set forth by others regarding what is acceptable in God's House. 

I've said it before and I'll say it again: "His House, His rules."

My sincere apologies to my Catholic brethren.

And for those who still can't see what ashes has to do with worshiping the Living God, well you need go no further than the House of Israel who whenever they were brought to that place of repentance would put on sackcloth and ashes as a visible symbol of their repentant hearts. This my friend is what the Season of Lent is all about, a time to reflect and seek heartfelt repentance in preparation for the day when we as Christians celebrate and commemorate the Resurrection of our Savior. In my life, He is worthy of my time and effort even if it means I will be labeled and misunderstood. 

...As my brother Anthony Astorga jokingly says: "You don't know me!"I say likewise as I go my merry way and follow the Lamb from death unto resurrection power.

Crooked Notes by Idilio Rivera is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-No Derivative Works 3.0 United States License.