Monday, December 27, 2010

In the Meantime...

As I lay here and wait for healing to manifest itself from the countless prayers being offered up daily on my behalf, I wrestle with this demon called depression. As much as I hate to admit it and give voice to it, I am one seriously depressed brother. It is killing me to have to accept I am powerless to move this process along. No matter how much I pray and others pray for me, I cannot move things along any further or any faster. Healing will come when healing comes. I have not the secret formula or gimmick to speed up this most painful and excruciatingly agonizing experience.
As much as I want to go at this alone like many other experiences dominated by the single and unmarried life, this dreaded tumor keeps me dependent on others, who ultimately may or may not be there for me when it is needed most. As grateful as I am for the many volunteers who have stepped forward and stepped into the role of caretaker and provider, there are times I still find myself alone and desperately seeking for someone, anyone, to step in and assist me. Truth be known, I cannot do anything alone or independently of others when it pertains to this dreaded cancer. I no longer can get around without the physical assistance of another being. My car sits idle in a garage while I have to depend on people to chauffeur me back and forth to and from my medical appointments. I have to depend on what I affectionately have termed "Chemo wives" to escort me to my appointments. I attempted to go at it alone once but in all reality just wasn't able to. Depressing.
I require another human being to sit with me and assist with basic needs. Getting around is slow and only adds to the physical pain I am presently experiencing. What a welcomed sight and relief it is to me when someone else comes alongside me and provides me with much needed assistance, Yet more often than not, I find myself having to go at it solo. I've had my share of lonely days at home. Being alone when your mobility is limited is downright depressing! When getting out of bed and walking thirty paces to retrieve a glass of water turns into a triathlon or walking down a flight of stairs to open a door turns into what I can only equate with climbing Mt. St. Helens, then you will begin to understand why having another human being with you is beyond helpful but necessary, you will begin to see why two is better than one.
My poor parents, who have been keeping me company since this whole ordeal began, have begun to lose steam. At their age and living out-of-state, all the back and forth seems to have worn them out to the point that they now come up with excuses for not being able to stick around for more than a few days at a time (a far cry from the three week stints they used to commit to). With that said, they'll be heading back home bright and early Saturday morning, leaving me to fend for myself once again. I honestly wish I could pack up and leave with them.
No matter how much others around me may attempt to fill the void at the end of the day, I am left alone to do my best.
I honestly don't want to be depressed about this. There have been worse situations I have been in and seen myself out of. This will be, no doubt, yet another experience to live and tell about. Depression may seep in and bring me down but it will not overcome me! This I do promise to myself. I will find creative ways to fight off these feelings and inconveniences. Spending time in Massachusetts at my parents home will not be possible right now since I have too many medical appointments to tend to here at home. I will simply have to buckle down and turn the "blahs" into an arsenal of bountiful blessings. I will overcome just like I was designed to do. Not in my own strength, of course, but with the might of the Holy Spirit. And in the meantime, never, ever give up hope that others will come to my rescue and ultimately I will not go through any part of this journey alone.
He did not bring me out this far to leave me, nor forsake me, but to display His glory and splendor for all to see and believe. BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop

Just in Time because He is never Late

I have been battling cancer since October 2008. Having withstood and endured both the ravages of chemotherapy and radiation, I received the "all clear" sign sometime in June '09. Unfortunately for me, the pain of cancer had only subsided somewhat long enough to give me and my medical caretakers the false impression that I was well on the road to full recovery. Sadly, the tumor not only re-emerged but it had become more aggressive and had metastasized to other vital organs, which translated into greater pain and the added inconvenience of a catheter and colostomy which may or may not be permanent.

I grew up hearing a saying In Spanish..."Dios aprieta, pero no ahoga"... "God tightens, but He never drowns you". Basically, it was ingrained in me that no matter how bad things get, there is always a way out. This has been my attitude in dealing with this dreaded cancer. Countless tears have been shed and not a day goes by that I do not hope and pray will be the end of my fiery trial.

While I am tempted to scream at the top of my lungs: "I'm drowning, oh God!!!" I quickly realize what a waste of time this would be since I'm dealing with a God who thankfully does not see things from my limited point of view. He is all about stretching you and tearing you down in order to build you back up again while everything in me wants to run and hide and place the blame elsewhere. He sees the end result. He guarantees complete victory...no matter what.

It would be a damn shame to be so close to obtaining gold only to have thrown the towel in prematurely. This thought alone keeps me going, keeps me enduring, holding on. That and the sincere belief that although this body may be falling apart and in need of constant pain relief, in the end, I will live to see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living.

I am hanging on out of pure conviction that God is never late, never early, but ALWAYS on time. Call me a fool but I'm putting all my eggs in one basket and counting them too even before they hatch (the two things I have always been advised against) simply because I believe that God will come to my rescue and deliver me. Just in time because He is never late.
Never late.
Never. BlogBooster-The most productive way for mobile blogging. BlogBooster is a multi-service blog editor for iPhone, Android, WebOs and your desktop